im the worst

 Here I am again feeling pathetic and feeling so low about myself. I hate it. I am envious which I shouldnt be and I cant help it. And I feel so worst. Like im a trash. Now I strongly believe that no matter how good a person is, how hard she/he tries to liv in the most righteous way, something from the dark called envy will always finds a way especially if you have lived being compared in such a cruel world. You’ll get to point of being bad.

 

I act like im hungry for attention. I always denied it but deep inside I know thats its true no matter what the excuses would be. I don’t want it but its like a disease creeping in. As embarrassed as I am I cant do anything. All I can do is agree with the darkness creeping in. What would you expect if youve been living for almost all of you’re life being compared.

 

Having a twin is not easy and happy like what others think especially if you possess all the negative facts. Is it okay to ask for something equal?

I always ask myself.

We have the same face-they say--, same actions at times and almost the same opinions on every issue but im always in the shadows.

Why is that?

Where am I lacking?

 

But in the end I always realize that im no better and I cant defeat her.

The light on her is brighter than what I have or if im honest I really cant be her. I don’t have what she had. Maybe, our differences only ends in our faces. But sometimes, I doubt it also.

 

We have the same face yet she looks so pretty while I look like trash. No matter how dark the circles around her eyes was she still shines, her photos where perfect while mine look like a trying hard silly girl. She has plenty of ideas while I stood in the sidelines with nothing, no originality and cant think of anything. she can lead while im useless, someone who others in the room would take a glance during leader selection. She was loved, adored and admired first. And I can only step towards the dark after someone notice whos that girl that exactly looks like her.

 

I started to compare even my pictures with hers. I started to stop taking photos of myself, even scared to take an ID picture and she always says how horrible she look. I always check her photos, how can she say that? When in fact the camera loves her. Well, ever since I have a very low self esteem, I am not blaming her but it just gets worst. The fact that she doesnt know hurts. I am dependent to her like how shadows were supposed to. Maybe im a masochist.

 

Shes always there, she showed support at times , she talks to me over some things that other wouldnt understand maybe because we always have the same in mind. Always. And because, unconsciously she has become my role model.

 

Her styles inspire me, her ideas sometimes makes me survive. And sad to say, I sometimes badly want to be her.

 

I want t be alone, but at the end of the day, im thankful since she understands me the most.

Times when I feel so lucky comes but in every bliss that I thought, it always ends in the same page. I was always drag to the dark by my own mind. Trapped and suffocated. So dark that I can curse myself. I know that im not that attention seeker girl. I always want to stay in the quiet zone but in everything I think there is always an exception. Shes the only one who can turn me into someone I don’t wanna be. The evil in me smiles.

She makes me crave for the same affection, the same look she gets from everyone whos excited to listen to her, I yearn for the mind that she had, the face she wore because even if I look at it we are so different. Her smile seems ready while I always look awkward. Her frank attitude that is not afraid to say no at times and how she can stand up for what she believed in.

 

I hate myself for trying so hard to copy her always when it happens, and in return I always took the blow since no one understands. People starts assuming that I am that person and I cant tell them im not. The result is always me losing. Always me being pathetic, and sometimes without any choices I started to pretend that im really that person they thought I was. And there is no going back.

 

They cant see what I want them to see. And I ended up being an actor trying hard to blend in. Why is it so hard?

Its always getting worst. There is no way out.

DROWNING

I think im drowning. This feeling has always been here. I don’t even remember when it started, sometimes I can feel that its in my head, or sometimes just somewhere near or lurking in the shadows. All I know is im craving for air to breath or a hand that will pull me up when im almost reaching the bottom. And the truth is, I only knew it when I can no longer breath it seems that I always notice it too late. In the middle of nowhere or in between solitude.

 

Im not good at handling things, decisions , problems, company or any inf=d of relationships, may it be romantic or platonic. I always get tired. So easily. Always finding things boring or even lifeless, and I know I need to go because its eating me up.and worst, every time I always lost a part of myself, my confidence, my directions , and self esteem. And I always catch my breath trying to find the air and the light. Thats when I know im drowning. Again.

 

Memories tends to perished, its seems to be that its made only to be enjoyed once and the rest would be stardust. Feelings would be a once in a lifetime luxury, a minute of euphoria and it would be nice to capture it like what others do but it seems that I don’t have the privileige. For me its just a tick of the clock or I can put it like a stopwatch, maybe given a minute or just a few seconds only. So I need to enjoy it while its happening. Is it to bad to get a piece to be kept? Sometimes its an advantage but not all the time. If only I could select what to keep and what to lose. And I turn out to be pathetic with no feelings or even memories to say I live.

 

Imagine the feeling of wanting something so bad, feeling the love towards something and then find out that you don’t want it anymore. Im not spoiled, oh how I wish I was, but that feeling that you’re getting tired of something you though you like is simply absurd that I want to curse myself. Why do I always wants to run away and not mind anything.I cant find the finish line.

 

A few months ago, that damn feelings of being out of breath is pulling me too hard unlike the previous cases so I decided to take a leap not minding how high or what could be the possible damage after I fall. I quit. I escaped. Im tired. They don’t understand how I badly wanted to breath. Im incompetent in their eyes but they don’t know much I want to hide. Maybe im wasting time, would it be bad if I know I needed this? I need to jump to break free from that feeling before I totally disappear. And I know I wont regret it. Shitty as I am , I still feel restless, awful and pathetic. What do I really want? How can someone understand if I don’t even fucking understand me and myself. Now im starting to frown again without any direction and no where to hold.

 

I thought I already escape the trigger of this feelings but theyre always everywhere. They are here. Running away by quitting my job to avoid the stress and the toxic work environment because it also is one of the triggers. But why does anxiety never goes away? Why do I feel like the tide is washing me away from the shore? Maybe because I took over thinking as my favorite hobby but what I can do? I tried some ways to avoid it but it keeps on hunting me. I don’t know. Its getting worse and worse. I don’t know. I can even think of even a half ass reason why.

 

Maybe because this time I don’t have a goal in mind. Im almost dine with school all I need is to process everything for graduation. I did before since I know thats the best revenge for those who threw insults at me. A diploma. Maybe they wont treat me as little as before. But now since its done all I want is to sleep. Im tired. And im not literally not doing anything.maybe because my soul is tired.

 

 

--- Swadee **

4/3/22.I think im drowning. This feeling has always been here. I don’t even remember when it started, sometimes I can feel that its in my head, or sometimes just somewhere near or lurking in the shadows. All I know is im craving for air to breath or a hand that will pull me up when im almost reaching the bottom. And the truth is, I only knew it when I can no longer breath it seems that I always notice it too late. In the middle of nowhere or in between solitude.

 

Im not good at handling things, decisions , problems, company or any inf=d of relationships, may it be romantic or platonic. I always get tired. So easily. Always finding things boring or even lifeless, and I know I need to go because its eating me up.and worst, every time I always lost a part of myself, my confidence, my directions , and self esteem. And I always catch my breath trying to find the air and the light. Thats when I know im drowning. Again.

 

Memories tends to perished, its seems to be that its made only to be enjoyed once and the rest would be stardust. Feelings would be a once in a lifetime luxury, a minute of euphoria and it would be nice to capture it like what others do but it seems that I don’t have the privilege. For me its just a tick of the clock or I can put it like a stopwatch, maybe given a minute or just a few seconds only. So I need to enjoy it while its happening. Is it to bad to get a piece to be kept? Sometimes its an advantage but not all the time. If only I could select what to keep and what to lose. And I turn out to be pathetic with no feelings or even memories to say I live.

 

Imagine the feeling of wanting something so bad, feeling the love towards something and then find out that you don’t want it anymore. Im not spoiled, oh how I wish I was, but that feeling that you’re getting tired of something you though you like is simply absurd that I want to curse myself. Why do I always wants to run away and not mind anything.I cant find the finish line.

 

A few months ago, that damn feelings of being out of breath is pulling me too hard unlike the previous cases so I decided to take a leap not minding how high or what could be the possible damage after I fall. I quit. I escaped. Im tired. They don’t understand how I badly wanted to breath. Im incompetent in their eyes but they don’t know much I want to hide. Maybe im wasting time, would it be bad if I know I needed this? I need to jump to break free from that feeling before I totally disappear. And I know I wont regret it. Shitty as I am , I still feel restless, awful and pathetic. What do I really want? How can someone understand if I don’t even fucking understand me and myself. Now im starting to frown again without any direction and no where to hold.

 

I thought I already escape the trigger of this feelings but theyre always everywhere. They are here. Running away by quitting my job to avoid the stress and the toxic work environment because it also is one of the triggers. But why does anxiety never goes away? Why do I feel like the tide is washing me away from the shore? Maybe because I took over thinking as my favorite hobby but what I can do? I tried some ways to avoid it but it keeps on hunting me. I don’t know. Its getting worse and worse. I don’t know. I can even think of even a half ass reason why.

 

Maybe because this time I don’t have a goal in mind. Im almost dine with school all I need is to process everything for graduation. I did before since I know thats the best revenge for those who threw insults at me. A diploma. Maybe they wont treat me as little as before. But now since its done all I want is to sleep. Im tired. And im not literally not doing anything,.maybe because my soul is tired.

 

 

--- Swadee **

4/3/22.

FEAR

 When I was still working, back in my call centers day I always get low survey scores, so the effect would always be attending a short meeting with an English trainer since as what my supervisor say it will help me get a better result next time but of course I doubt that will happen. If you don’t know I think I’m famous enough already in the company or for those who know me either my team mates, previous supervisors, account coordinator and of course Quality Assurance specialist as the Irate agent. So in short, I always have a rebuttal especially for customers who they call “Karen” . Yes, that’s one of my toxic trait, I don’t have the patience that others have. One insult and boom! One shout and here comes the sarcasm. So yeah that’s me! Ill tell you about that some other time.

 

There’s this time, in a short meeting with the trainer which I already forgot the name, ask me some random question only instead of lecturing me the same things over and over again. Which I really like considering that its an after shift session where agents are expected as sleepy, groggy and cant definitely understand a boring throwback lecture. One of her question was “Whats your greatest fear?”

 

If your going to be ask what would be your answer. Maybe you can answer it in a few seconds right? You’ll say death, snakes or even accidents. But on that time , it seems that I was the only one who cant answer. It seems that for others the question would be like the same when someone ask you what your favorite color. But for me I found myself thinking hard, nothing comes to mind. Even my fright for snakes didn’t come to mind that time. My mind wandered more than the question ask, It didn’t answer in a way that was expected. Its really weird , it seems that the trainer might think that im an over thinker which in fact is true. As I recall, I was thinking that time what was the fear in my heart more than the most obvious one. So my answer came out like I was being interviewed in an all about life program.

 

 

“ Maybe to die without accomplishing something.” That was my answer to the question. I forgot about the trainers reaction already but after the meeting ended even I myself realized that was the time I admitted my greatest fear. I don’t fear death like most of the majority. If its meant for you to live long then good, but if its your time then you cant do anything about it. You may have heard about it already, it was an old saying from the grandmothers but I fully agree with it. Not accomplishing anything meant you haven’t served your purpose in this lifetime. You havent lived. And it seems your space in this lifetime is a waste. You can disagree with me but thats what I thought especially if you havent lived your life without relying on others. Life was given to find purpose or be full of purpose. As for me , im saying this right now but im also ashamed since I also didn’t know right now what the fuck am I doing.

-- Swadee *

3/31/22. 

CLOUDY

 

 

Today, 27^th of March 2022 1:37 in the afternoon I was ready to eat my lunch for the day. Woke up around 9 A.m., have my 3 hour breakfast so lunch is expected to be around 2 in the afternoon. Not so usual right? We a different time for that. Gloomy as the sky, my heart can relate, I mean not just today my heart is always gloomy. But unlike the weather it always has been this way, no sunny days, maybe a bit of autumn a times or a little spring. I don’t know anymore.

 

 Its been almost 3 months after I left my job but I dot have it in me to start again. Am I pathetic? I'm a loser and again I don’t know anymore. Those who quit after me already started their new career in the same field but only in another company and I'm still here trying to wrap my head in everything. I'm pretty sure they’ve been thinking how incompetent I am, irresponsible and doesn't care about a thing. I can agree with the first and the last but not the responsibility part, I don’t have any obligations so far, I'm just waiting for graduation and I have my savings for that, I don’t spend money like before when I am still employed, I don’t do online shopping anymore, and I think that is responsible enough. I know what I can only do at the moment.

 

I am incompetent maybe because I don’t have the motivation others have, that is one of the reason I can think of , or if I am to be honest I'm afraid that maybe this is really me. Maybe I am really someone who doesn't think of the future , and as much as I want to deny it, that is true. I don’t see myself in a way that others are see their self, I don’t have plans like how others planned their future in 10 or 20 years, all I have is tomorrow , months I guess when I badly want to see a movie and the trailer is out knowing that it will be months away or a concert of an artist I badly want. I sometimes laugh at myself, maybe others will say how comfortable my life is without worrying about my future, how confident I am , how secured or how carefree. But the truth is , it always makes me wonder, “ Why am I like this?” sometimes I get tired of letting myself believe in all my excuses, I pity myself, my body for having a dumb soul, lifeless, no future just no direction. Living life for this long with the mindset I have really makes me think “ Why am I even here?” Maybe I've waste my time to much, maybe this life is not meant for the soul I have.

 

Living life with no direction is exhausting, especially if you don’t have answers to your own question. As Christopher Robin said, “ Doing nothing leads to the very best something.” I surely loved that quote but maybe its not always the case . Maybe I like it since its giving me another excuse to not face the tide which is life. What a shame! I'm such a joke.

 

As the sun starts smiling right now, I'm still stuck in my cloudy world. I keep thinking these past few days that time is running and I'm getting really useless, I cant even start doing the things I want , the ideas I have before passing my resignation letter. And I totally hate me for that. Bit as usual , the loser me is still writing,  finding excuses, doing other unnecessary things , procrastinating, since that's why I do best. I don’t feel the fire to get a new job, I don’t want to try since I know its not gonna work since I'm so out of it, I will be wasting my efforts, my confidence( if I have those which I ,doubt since I cant even imagine myself in another interview). I don’t really know. Its funny how hard it is for me to even answer a question I had for myself. “WHY?” Why don’t I think like a normal person, maybe my brain is dead. Why cant I find any motivation? Well, what is motivation for me anyway., why cant I think of my future? Maybe I don’t really have that in line for me. Too many questions, maybe others will think how dumb, how little , how not needed those questions are or they could just easily answer it in a few seconds or they'll just simply laugh how bullshit it sounds wondering why someone like me find it hard to answer a simple query. I don’t know. I don’t fuckin know.

 

FRIENDS???

 

Do you ever know someone who will send you a message just to use “you” , your name just for their own benefit? If you have encountered these kind of people then I can definitely relate. The reason why  their parents don’t trust them anymore is them. Breaking someone’s trust is always the worst , especially when its your parents, but of course it is happening outside the homes too, everyone can experience this, either you can break someone's trust or you’ll lost the trust you have for them, its just that it always comes to worst on parents. Well, I cant 100 % relate, since we are not that open with each other and it was a long time since I lived with them but still I can imagine it, and I know I wouldn't want it if ever that the situation is different with my situation right now but yes , I have my tiny share too, I remember going home drunk when I was 16. Back when my mother is still with us. You'll get reprimanded and they will look at you not the same way before. Right?

 

There are those who have broken their parents trust not just once but about a dozen times already and still act like they’re being bullied by their parents, or maybe act like the situation is not getting better and will always say that maybe they just don’t have luck with the kind of parents they have. And that's really one hell of bullshit to take. I just cant take it. You’re lucky enough if your parents are still with you, might be living in the same house or just simply being alive even if they're old and cant carry you in their arms anymore.

Anime: The Genius Prince Guide to Raising a Nation Out if Debt

For those who still have this privilege , you are lucky and you should treasure it as much as you’re heart can hold.

 

Making a mistake is normal, we should learn from it and put it behind our back after not do it again and again. Doing it again is being stupid and you know it but you’re still providing excuses to justify it. Worst is, someone can just lie easily to get what they want even compromising their parents trust that is already broken. Imagine a broken thing getting smashed again? Is it hard to at least forget about nonsense whims? For your mother. And you want someone to cover up for you? You want someone to lie for you and fool your mother? She didn’t even judge you after what happened? After you left here heart broken and her mind wary of worrying over you while you are flirting with a guy whose not even worthy? Did she judge you? No. Did she kick you out? No. She still supported you and even pay your tuition fee, even after lying that you enrolled in that semester when in fact all you did was waste her money , helped you when you decided to quit your job and was still even their when you got another job. SHE IS STILL THERE. AND WILL ALWAYS BE THERE. And you know what? That's what I envy about you, you have a very strong woman beside you. Even when I'm visiting often but I can feel her care and her vast understanding. But I don’t understand why you can lie to her that easily? Why do you keep repeating the same mistakes?

 

And don’t regret saying NO to any request especially if that will hurt someone who doesn’t deserve the pain. I wont lie to the old woman to cover for you, first, she doesn’t deserve to be fooled and second, I don't think you treated me as a friend more like someone that you can used whenever you can. I will always say NO since its clear as day that you’re just using me. I hope one day you'll see how hard it is for her getting lied to by her own daughter. How she keeps her disappointments to herself to avoid hurting you. She's always smiling wanting the best for you. How can you be awful?

 

To someone out there, if ever you feel that somebody is using you for their own convenience don’t be afraid to say NO. Nobody has the right to make someone their doormat and no parents or someone who is capable of love deserve to get hurt. Don’t be afraid to walk away especially if that can help someone keep their smile. Stop wasting your time on someone who only remembers to call you if ever they need someone to do their dirty tricks. Someone who will made you lie to her mother so she can meet up with her friends and just leave you alone like you don’t matter? Wake up and don’t be afraid to lose someone along the way, its always the best who stays.

 

 

-- Swadee x.x

3/18/22. 

HUMANS AND DEMON LORDS

                        Anime: Standing on A Million Lives

I hate humans. Yeah, you’re laughing, thinking im condemning my own race. But did you ever wonder why? Am I the only one? Have you watched an anime series where its all about the hero-church people-versus-demon lords fighting? And have you thought about why they want to exterminate the human race? You might say that I watched too much animes or read enough mangas or stories. I can consider myself a mid-level otaku, minus the cosplay and everything that is customized. Im collecting merch and im inlove with a lot of fictional characters. Back to what I was saying, demon lords don’t just hate humans, they always have a reason. It might not still be able to justify their actions but you cant blame them and I believe that all this reason can actually be the same with the real life except demon lords don’t exist only unfortunate souls. Betrayal always comes first, then discrimination. This happens not only in animes or novels or movies, I think you might have come across with it already. Didn’t you?

 

Humans not only betrayed their own kind, they can abandon their pets, they can even shatter someone else dream as long as they can pull their selves up. Imagine being abandoned without knowing the reason, waiting for a return that is unsure. Humans are greedy, not contented with the success they have turning to yearning of perfection, always acts superior even with nature acting like they don’t care but when karma strikes they usually just find something to blame. They need to accept that the universe can just easily crush them, instead all they do is act high and mighty developing something that is not really necessary. Yes, I hate my own kind. Call me anything but thats what I felt, I don’t know if were the same but think about it. Imagine someone who will all act goody and nice just because they need something from you and because they know your the best candidate to help save their ass out. Being considerate and providing the help I can, giving advice, instructions and even examples when in fact those assholes just want you do all the job instead. They couldve told me that they want to sleep and let you do all the hussle. I hate it. I liked those who are aware that theyre being used and can confidently decline, you don’t need to feel guilty you did great and its for you, you dont need to have those heavy feelings , turning down someone who is capable for something that theyre asking for is not a crime, you need to go away if need just to avoid those who wants to treat you low. Youre not someones doormat. They need to know how to put effort, ransack their brain for that fuckin research paper, they need to know their place, its not okay just to say “OKAY” everytime. They are always the ones with all these dramas about how hard when in fact all they do is spend their time on TikTok feeling all that sad girl vibe. Fuck! They don’t even know how hard it is to earn for the daily expenses and rent and tuition fees and now theyre acting so low when in fact its her mother paying for her school fees, I cant even imagine how bullshit it is to have your mother worried about you and their you are wasting her money chasing some guy that not even worth it. Well, I don’t care just don’t involve me in any of your dramas ,I don’t give a fuck ,im just concerned about your mother. Why cant they realize theyre being unfair?

 

They cant even understand your silence and here you are listening to their late nights play. Im not asking for anything in return God knows that just a little bit of common sense for them to know that they need to be sensitive. And bear in mind , that its okay to cut them off. Permanently.

 

-- Swadee-

3/3/22. 

Quitter

 Its been 3 days since I officially quit my job but I still havent tell a single soul well except those who already knows, my former sup , my sister, and 3 other beings. Well I don’t really know. Im not worried about money right now, Ive been thinking about how to tell them but I cant even think of a way. Maybe because I didn’t know why im having a hard time spilling it. I keep asking how it was so easy for others to tell someone whatever decision they have or they have done. 4 years and a half is not a joke and for sure I am aware of it. Others might say im being impractical, well I cant argue with that since that is true. I might come out as impulsive well maybe, but Ive been thinking about it got the last few months, maybe a year ago. Im the kind that gets bored easily, I don’t socialize or what others say make many friends. I cant do that because well as ive said I lost interest. Yes, especially people. Sometimes theyre just too easy to read, one glance and youll know theyre not gonna stay for long. Like seasons. Back to quitting  my job , the plan was to wait until March, since that is the time for graduation but of course shit happens, I took it as a sign, funny and impulsive you may say but yes I did. My attitude hits back in an ugly way I don’t know how many times. Maybe because im already stuck. I dont find it worth staying for like before that I can still force myself to carry on with the job and so I quit. Loser right? You know that feeling that your earning you can buy what interest you, or if not right away I know I can save for it. My previous teammate told me that I shouldnt feel “napagiiwanan” since I sent my self to school alone at that, I have a job while others are fighting for it, I can even call my self professional and I should be proud knowing how independent I can be. But why does it feels like I still don’t have any direction? Why am I lost?

 

I quit my job in Cebu because I know I need to grow. And looking back that was one of the best decision it leads me to where I am today. Following my rejections after, I decided to go and send myself to college so one day I can proudly say I made it. So one day those rejections will no longer hurt me and those who insulted and didn’t believe will at least regret what they’ve said before. Yes, others may say that is wrong because I was aiming for revenge but for me it doesnt matter because thats what pushed me to carry on the job even if I know im not fit for it. Imagine how a person that doesnt like talking to someone shes not comfortable with, a person who doesnt say hi unless someone came to her first, a person who doesnt have enough patience to even repeat what she had said has become a call center agent for almost 5 freakin years. Well , I was going on about this because maybe I was still trying to justify the decision I made. Whats funny is I don’t even know why im explaining, why I was so hesitant to tell them and why I am still thinking what others may think.  One thing im sure is I wont regret it, It might have come early than planned but I know this is what I want. And you know whats stupid about it, I always convince myself and I even gave advice not to think what other people say but in the end im always the one getting slap by it, I came to realize that ive always been thinking about the disappointment that I will hear or maybe see. Why is it always hard to do what you want and just let the others fuck off? Why?

 

 

 

By Swadee . 1/16/22