A lot of Maybe

 Do tears run out while the pain remains?

Isnt it unfair?

But I think thats what happens.

To me.

Maybe thats why it feels so heavy despite being empty.

I think it never going away. It lives here.

It will remain. Forever.

 

Like scars.

You can put a band aid but it will always be there.

Like a memory.

A remind of a wound.

A reminder of pain.

Maybe its roots runs too deep.

Pain relievers don’t work anymore.

And maybe its fine.

Since its bearable from the outside.

Or just maybe.

You can pretend its okay.

Or maybe try to forget about it.

 

But time only knows.

It will come as a surprise.

A pain inside a gift box made of everything gray.

It will knock at your door in the most unexpected moment.

Saying hello that brings tears.

Unbearable sigh that clench your heart.

And a flashbacks of memories you don’t need.

 

No choice was given but to let it in.

Wallow in grief and ignorance

Hiding beneath candy eyes

With lies clear as the skies

Only a broken soul like you

Can surely tell whats it like.

 

Who knows sunset can be bitter,

Maybe youre just expecting something sweet just like the the sky baths in purple

Thats not how it is

Its bliss but not to everyone

Its might be not your time

Just wait darling maybe the sun is not for you

Maybe your born to love under roaring thunders and angry rains

Just wait, and maybe the stars will come and kiss you.

 

For now, lets pretend everything is in color

Don’t let anyone find a crack on your door.

For they might see the fragile flower

Bathing in sadness near the drawers

Let them see you shine. For now.

Well no one knows that you have the lights on

All they care is how golden you look.

 

 

Darling, people will pretend not to notice

As long as everything seems at peace

Only our minds know the deep secret our hearts hold

And that is better than any gold.

We will not forget , since im also afraid that I will not be ready

So lets stay, inside our room where the corners can keep it safe.

 

If only someone is brave enough,

Brave to get inside the turmoil and chaos in my mind

If that someone can see the darkness in my heart

I wonder it its gonna be alright.

Is it alright darling? To let them in,

Will they understand the lonely corners of my mind.

Im scared, of everything.

Because I know that I will not like the look in their eyes

It mirrors the words that their lips cant say at the moment

And surely it will add a crack on my soul.

 

I choose my mind to keep the secrets of my heart

For my mind knows that my heart needs a diary.

A diary that will be kept hidden

For no one can understand.

 

If one day my mind cant handle it anymore

I hope to cross path with one broken soul whos ready to hear something dark

Something hidden

And something that is definitely unordinary

 

I want to run in field with blue roses

I want to fly above the horizon

Do you wonder how it feels?

Maybe yes or maybe you don’t care

Ive grown to appreciate gray

Getting darker and darker until it turns to black

I think its a lively color

I think its perfect for me

 

 

For now, ill be dancing in the green fields

But only inside my mind

For there is no way I can do that in this world thats not so good to me

Well I will try to get a little hope

So even if it crash me the pain would be little

 

Were getting older darling

And the darkness is getting stronger

Is that how it is

To grow up

To know that fairytales don’t exist

 

Well maybe if fairytales existed

It would be boring, thats why the world choose to be a little bad

If magic can happen I want to be there

I want to experience what it is

Before my heart totally freeze.

The Wrong Side

Anime: Spy x Family

That feeling that youre always misinterpreted, have you felt that? It would be great if you don’t , because let me tell you its awful. It stings. Like burns in the soul. And its never going away. Even how hard you tried to forget about it, it leaves a mark. Or rather a stain.

 

Why is it that people easily brand me of someone im not? How easy is it for them to assume the me which is not me? The me that I don’t want people to think? The me that I hate. Well I guess I always hate the Me’s that existed. I don’t even know which is real because mostly I realized those Me’s are all paper. Easily torn. Can be replaced. Can be faked. Maybe im trying so hard to blend in and the funny thing is I always talk about being the authentic me. But im so fucked up because at the end of the day Im always this desperate girl trying to fit in. That stupid girl doing something that she doesnt want and maybe blame the people on what they have perceived along the way about her, which of course is my fault for being so fabricated. You can laugh because Im so stupid and thats a fact. They are always right. Im desperate.

 

I hate myself so much for being so sensitive at times. Those times when its not necessary. Those times that will make me look like an idiot. Im gonna be like, “Oh I don’t care about what they say.” but im always choking on those words. I ended up processing everything that they say. Over thinking. Well what can I say, its been my hobby. I don’t know how long. It sucks. It hurts.

 

I badly really wanna shout, I want them to know that thats not me, im not that energetic girl they thought, im not an extrovert. I struggle with my words. However, since im trying so bad , maybe not to embarass myself, or maybe to let them know im not stupid, or mostly to stop them from thinking that im too sensitive for this word, that maybe I don’t want to be called “the OA bitch”, I showed the someone that I don’t even know. Or maybe someone that only me knows. I dint even know what the fuck im talking about right now, its awful to be me. In other words maybe I just want someone who can see right through me, who can see how sensitive I am, someone who can hear the loud beating of my heart when im trying to talk to someone for the first time, someone who knows the feeling of cold sweaty palms when im about to start presenting my report. No one. All them thought im this extroverted, trying hard girl in the room. They don’t get me at all. And I don’t like it. I don’t want it.

 

 

In this world, its not easy to say, “Thats not what I mean.” ,” Thats not me.”, “Thats not what I want.” Well maybe in my own world only, because others can easily be their selves, can easily sent their message, easily understood and most of all they knew who they are. Im desperate. Yes I am.

Well people always believe what theyre told to, what they want to, and what society prefers.

 

Im always lying with myself. I hide. I cant even make up my mind. I want to be found but im not doing anything. I can hate myself all I want but that doesnt change the fact that even to myself I am useless.

 

I want to do the things that I want, in my own way. But its always the opposite. Resulting for everyone to evaluate me in a way that I don’t want. Giving life to another me, another fabricated me that I will play for all the time that I am with that group of people. Its tiring because after a ertain the cycle will repeat again. New faces. New character that will be born. Sometimes I wonder maybe I have too many faces. Too many roles. I don’t know which is the real one.

 

Why is it that my action is not really how I want people to see me? Is it possible. Or maybe im just too stupid. My thoughts were too far from what im doing. And I ended up living the character they thought about me. Stupid right? I don’t know anymore.

 

Maybe its better to be hidden than seen. Because in the first place I don’t really know anymore. What should be done, what should be seen and what should be keep hidden. Im confused. Afraid of what theyll say, forgetting what I told myself. Doing something that every normal people would do instead of doing the weird thing that will make me comfortable. Saying yes even though sometimes I really want to tell them no. Expressing myself in a wrong way, which at some point I thought it was the best and ended up not able to express anything. Its makes me want to beat myself sometime every time I talk in a way that I think is great, desperately trying to forget that I am someone who doesnt talk that way, who talks casually instead of using flowery words. It makes me want to puke. But its too late. No matter how much I hate it, how many times I puke Ive already done it. And there is no UNDO button to press. Its never good to be me. Maybe there is someone out there whos as confuse as me. I don’t know. But if there is, I hope youll find what youre looking for, I hope someday youll realize what you really want and I hope you stop hating yourself and live the way you want.

 

Because I cant do it right now. I don’t know when.

 

I want to stop justifying myself. I don’t want to be confused anymore. I don’t want to think at all. I want to stop trying to please people. I don’t want this.

 

I hate this.

I hate me.

 

I don’t want this anymore.

 

I cant.

I don’t know when.

 

I hate me.

ME.

ME.

 

 

 

I want to hide from me.

 

Away.

 

Sealed.

 

 

DROWNING

I think im drowning. This feeling has always been here. I don’t even remember when it started, sometimes I can feel that its in my head, or sometimes just somewhere near or lurking in the shadows. All I know is im craving for air to breath or a hand that will pull me up when im almost reaching the bottom. And the truth is, I only knew it when I can no longer breath it seems that I always notice it too late. In the middle of nowhere or in between solitude.

 

Im not good at handling things, decisions , problems, company or any inf=d of relationships, may it be romantic or platonic. I always get tired. So easily. Always finding things boring or even lifeless, and I know I need to go because its eating me up.and worst, every time I always lost a part of myself, my confidence, my directions , and self esteem. And I always catch my breath trying to find the air and the light. Thats when I know im drowning. Again.

 

Memories tends to perished, its seems to be that its made only to be enjoyed once and the rest would be stardust. Feelings would be a once in a lifetime luxury, a minute of euphoria and it would be nice to capture it like what others do but it seems that I don’t have the privileige. For me its just a tick of the clock or I can put it like a stopwatch, maybe given a minute or just a few seconds only. So I need to enjoy it while its happening. Is it to bad to get a piece to be kept? Sometimes its an advantage but not all the time. If only I could select what to keep and what to lose. And I turn out to be pathetic with no feelings or even memories to say I live.

 

Imagine the feeling of wanting something so bad, feeling the love towards something and then find out that you don’t want it anymore. Im not spoiled, oh how I wish I was, but that feeling that you’re getting tired of something you though you like is simply absurd that I want to curse myself. Why do I always wants to run away and not mind anything.I cant find the finish line.

 

A few months ago, that damn feelings of being out of breath is pulling me too hard unlike the previous cases so I decided to take a leap not minding how high or what could be the possible damage after I fall. I quit. I escaped. Im tired. They don’t understand how I badly wanted to breath. Im incompetent in their eyes but they don’t know much I want to hide. Maybe im wasting time, would it be bad if I know I needed this? I need to jump to break free from that feeling before I totally disappear. And I know I wont regret it. Shitty as I am , I still feel restless, awful and pathetic. What do I really want? How can someone understand if I don’t even fucking understand me and myself. Now im starting to frown again without any direction and no where to hold.

 

I thought I already escape the trigger of this feelings but theyre always everywhere. They are here. Running away by quitting my job to avoid the stress and the toxic work environment because it also is one of the triggers. But why does anxiety never goes away? Why do I feel like the tide is washing me away from the shore? Maybe because I took over thinking as my favorite hobby but what I can do? I tried some ways to avoid it but it keeps on hunting me. I don’t know. Its getting worse and worse. I don’t know. I can even think of even a half ass reason why.

 

Maybe because this time I don’t have a goal in mind. Im almost dine with school all I need is to process everything for graduation. I did before since I know thats the best revenge for those who threw insults at me. A diploma. Maybe they wont treat me as little as before. But now since its done all I want is to sleep. Im tired. And im not literally not doing anything.maybe because my soul is tired.

 

 

--- Swadee **

4/3/22.I think im drowning. This feeling has always been here. I don’t even remember when it started, sometimes I can feel that its in my head, or sometimes just somewhere near or lurking in the shadows. All I know is im craving for air to breath or a hand that will pull me up when im almost reaching the bottom. And the truth is, I only knew it when I can no longer breath it seems that I always notice it too late. In the middle of nowhere or in between solitude.

 

Im not good at handling things, decisions , problems, company or any inf=d of relationships, may it be romantic or platonic. I always get tired. So easily. Always finding things boring or even lifeless, and I know I need to go because its eating me up.and worst, every time I always lost a part of myself, my confidence, my directions , and self esteem. And I always catch my breath trying to find the air and the light. Thats when I know im drowning. Again.

 

Memories tends to perished, its seems to be that its made only to be enjoyed once and the rest would be stardust. Feelings would be a once in a lifetime luxury, a minute of euphoria and it would be nice to capture it like what others do but it seems that I don’t have the privilege. For me its just a tick of the clock or I can put it like a stopwatch, maybe given a minute or just a few seconds only. So I need to enjoy it while its happening. Is it to bad to get a piece to be kept? Sometimes its an advantage but not all the time. If only I could select what to keep and what to lose. And I turn out to be pathetic with no feelings or even memories to say I live.

 

Imagine the feeling of wanting something so bad, feeling the love towards something and then find out that you don’t want it anymore. Im not spoiled, oh how I wish I was, but that feeling that you’re getting tired of something you though you like is simply absurd that I want to curse myself. Why do I always wants to run away and not mind anything.I cant find the finish line.

 

A few months ago, that damn feelings of being out of breath is pulling me too hard unlike the previous cases so I decided to take a leap not minding how high or what could be the possible damage after I fall. I quit. I escaped. Im tired. They don’t understand how I badly wanted to breath. Im incompetent in their eyes but they don’t know much I want to hide. Maybe im wasting time, would it be bad if I know I needed this? I need to jump to break free from that feeling before I totally disappear. And I know I wont regret it. Shitty as I am , I still feel restless, awful and pathetic. What do I really want? How can someone understand if I don’t even fucking understand me and myself. Now im starting to frown again without any direction and no where to hold.

 

I thought I already escape the trigger of this feelings but theyre always everywhere. They are here. Running away by quitting my job to avoid the stress and the toxic work environment because it also is one of the triggers. But why does anxiety never goes away? Why do I feel like the tide is washing me away from the shore? Maybe because I took over thinking as my favorite hobby but what I can do? I tried some ways to avoid it but it keeps on hunting me. I don’t know. Its getting worse and worse. I don’t know. I can even think of even a half ass reason why.

 

Maybe because this time I don’t have a goal in mind. Im almost dine with school all I need is to process everything for graduation. I did before since I know thats the best revenge for those who threw insults at me. A diploma. Maybe they wont treat me as little as before. But now since its done all I want is to sleep. Im tired. And im not literally not doing anything,.maybe because my soul is tired.

 

 

--- Swadee **

4/3/22.

LOVE YOURSELF FIRST

 I’ve choose to be alone because I know that I can save my heart in doing so. Being in a place where there is a lot of crowd doesn’t guarantee that it will truly make you happy. Being with yourself helps you know how you can be better without the help of others. For others, it may sound dumb but for me its the best way to be yourself. We all deserve to be loved but first we must also learn and never forget to love our self first.

 

There is nothing wrong in putting our self first. As long as were not hurting anyone and as long as you know in yourself that you deserve that treatment. We can love someone or something but we must not compromise the love that we can give to ourselves. They say, “LOVE is the most beautiful and important discovery.” Well I may say that I can agree with that. It would be more beautiful if we can find it in the right place, right time and especially with the right person.

 

They say that in order for you to find that someone you must also find a way and not just wait for it since they believe that you cant find it if you’re not putting any efforts on finding it. Well for me, you must trust GOD’S timing and it will be more beautiful. After destiny brought you to where you’re supposed to be then you can do your part and do everything to keep it. But then again we must remember to love our self first. Don’t be afraid if love fails ,it happens for a reason. If you know your worth then surely you can find that certain person God has reserved for you. Don’t be in a hurry, the perfect love story takes time.

 

Fall in love with someone who sees you soul. Someone who makes you smile not just make you laugh.I’ve read somewhere to fall in love with a soul not just the body which I surely would give a thumbs up. It would be amazing to meet that person who can see right through you without giving a hint or some words. That person who actually can see right through your very own soul. Its like memorizing the shades of your eyes and analyzing what mood you are in. It might be bored , sleepy , frustrated or just plain stupid sometimes.I would surely be glad and excited to meet that person.

 

Well of course, I also believed that you can actually get this bliss alone. Like enjoying your favorite ice cream in your favorite place, drinking your coffee in one the new coffee shop in town or might be falling in love with the sound of the rain even when sometimes you actually hate it. But my favorite is of course crying my eyes out when watching a sad movie. Well that may include every movies with dogs being the hero and on every tear-jerking movie about young love and tragic ending which I honestly love. And never forget a romantic anime movie which shatter your heart and break your soul.

 

That just some of the few things that others actually missed out due to being absorbed by the cruel world. Others begged for love when the truth is they know in their selves that they are more. They always tired their hearts out and always forget to water their soul. They always wait for that infamous knight in shining armor who will actually swept them off their feet when the truth is that fictional prince is out there just waiting for some damsel in distress to fall over their feet. Yes Dear, the world is unfair and it will always be. Remember Scar?

 

It would be great if love often comes in an easy way however that would be really boring. Just try to dance inside your room in the music inside your head. Experiment with your hairstyle but don’t go too far or maybe try burning your house down by trying to get your masterpiece straight from the oven in a form of your favorite chocolate chip cookie which you already tried a hundred times baking but doesn’t always looks like a cookie. Or maybe just try to focus on getting those goals first pasted on your wall. Then maybe, I’m damn sure that you will now exactly know how priceless you are and no one can measure your worth because you knew from the start that your one of a kind and you will be always worth it. There’s nothing in loving and putting yourself first especially if you know it would be for the best. Well, I believe in what Maleficent says,” Love doesn’t always ends well.” If that happens you still have yourself, SCRATCHED but still BEAUTIFUL. <3

 

 

-- S W A D E E x.x ***

Written on 10/14/19.