Push me

 Time check. Another evening, another day. down to the last 2 months of the calendar. But im still shitty as I am. No fucking achievements, no improvements just nothing. Still finding the right answer to why I am like this. To why am I feeling this way. Why my mind runs in different way, not so similar to others. Why is everything pointless. Can I get away?

 

A month ago, I ventured on one of my greatest escape, and im glad it happened. We attended the concert ive been waiting for the past 2 years. And im glad that my sister have given me the opportunity, but at the same time I realized again how pathetic and trashy I am. Compared to her. I always told my self that I am not someone who will impose on others but funny thing, I am exactly a trash right now. Nothing. How did it end up like this?

 

Maybe because the only thing I planned after I quit was how to get out of that hell, I didn’t think of the other hell waiting for me. Im so confident that Ill get the peace I badly want but as shitty as my life , why did I expect? Its not changing it just showered me more anxiety that im still exhausted as ever. Im stuck. Like how my novel is still stuck at chapter 5. like before. I lost the drive. Im trying to catch up but I don’t even know where to hold.

 

See? Still a stuck up loser. I told my self a month ago after that vacation that I need to move forward. Because that is what I need. But still nothing. Damn. Im not even going comfortable going outside, I don’t want people to look at me or even talk to me. Im so anxious when I think about sending that damn resume. Im so stupid. Why cant I be normal?

 

All I am doing is excuses. Excuses to stop me from going outside. Thats the only way right now to calm the storm in me. Now I have a new one, o better start it on new year. This time I hope someone, something can push me. Push me so hard ill fall harder. Or even punch me to put some sense on me. I am ashamed. Really. I hate my self more and more. Im all talk but im the worst.

 

Please push me enough so I wont be able to look back. Can somebody please?

Out Of Space

have you ever asked yourself if you really belong to this world? this planet? the era your in? i was always wondering maybe im born into the wrong era. What if this is not the life meant for me? what am i doing here anyway? Whats the reason why im here? What was in store for me? 

those questions are never going away at the back of my mind. They are persistent to stay there. Questions that will remain unanswered. Unspoken. A mystery.

i always knew that i am caught in the web of struggles looking for a reason to love life. a few years back, my teenage self all wanted was to find a job to support myself, provide for my needs or even give back to those who was there. im alone. No one to depend to. So i need to work my ass off if i wanted to buy something i want, eat what i crave and go somewhere i want to.  So i did. But the world doesnt supposed to work that way, its not going to stop just to give you time to adjust. You are growing older and its no longer the same. You wll realize that you need to grow. You need to survive and that means aiming for something higher. That poor teenage girl, ignorant to the cruel world tried to spread its wings and only ended  being swept by the wind. its too harsh. You will learn things in a hard way. The world will not stop for you. 

so i watch as confidence inflates, my eyes now knew that cruelty is always present in this world im in. and i dont have the power to stop it. i need to shield myself.  and the ugliness of the society makes it worst. 

who would have thought that a single paper will define your future? that it will matter most especially in the eyes of the society? that hard work is nothing without that shitty piece of paper. if you know what im talking about, thats the fucking college diploma. it sucks that people will based it on that shit how they will treat you. how their eyes will look at you and even if they need to smile at you or just treat you like nothing. Well, this hopeless girl now has one goal in mind. i need to get that shitty piece of paper and i will make them swallow their words. 

others may say that you need to forget and only focus on the positive things, well news flash, because of that dark feeling i have i was able to push myself even get on the job i never thought i could stand just to finish what ive started. Now i was waiting for that freaking moment were i can put on that fuckin black gown and get on that goddamn stage. that is the eonly time i can give myself a massive pat on the ,shoulder and say, " i made it." Yes i know im too hard on myself but thats what makes this stupid mind going.

After almost five years that goal is almost completed, now im back to the same scene. that girl who doesnt know where to go, doenst know what to do next. back to the phase that im struggling what to push me forward. and the anxiety that comes with the job i had. knowing myself im a very irritating person, no patience at all so i was actually amazed that i have been a customer service rep for almost 5 years given the personality i have. well i know im toxic. we all are. i quit. because i know that i need to find a way to save myself from my mind, my sanity is at stake, its been so suffocating and its been almost 10 months now. but whats funny is, im still a loser. Pathetic. Dumb. i realize how stupid i am. how dull my life was. well i already knew that but its sucks big time. im useless. im selfish which i also know. not proud of it though. it sucks that my mind doesnt work like how others work. it sucks bigtime.  

i wonder if there was something or someone who can push me. or even slap me. maybe that will work. Maybe i can think of something, enough to move forward?   thats why i keep on asking maybe im not for this world. Maybe i was never meant to be here. People usually are full of ambitions, or goals or dreams but here i am wishing to sleep and forget everything. i want to reset everything. or sleep for i dont know how long and just wake up to a different world.  When will i fall inlove with life?

Wanted: motivation

 They say motivation is the key to success. Maybe thats right but not for all of us. If someone is motivated it seems they can reach everything, they can do whatever they want and seems theyre getting closer to their dreams. It makes them happy at the end of the day.

 

 

But what if you cant find any motivation? What if everything seems so dull, gray and no reason to continue at all? Where can you get that ecstatic feeling to move forward? How will you stay and survive? Is it still okay to continue when there is no specific direction at all? Is it on someone? Somewhere?

 

This is always a question to me. And I know this is what I need.

I cant find any reason to continue anymore.

 

Its been 8 months since I quit my job. Well as you know, im not happy with everything in it. The people, the place, the job itself and everything. I don’t know what I want anymore but all I know is that I need to stop it to save myself since that familiar feeling is back again. DROWNING. I was never happy. It did give me the opportunities I need and I am thankful but its not for me. Its a whole new experience and it gives me the chance to graduate college. I will always be thankful.

 

Others loved their time, they even enjoy talking about it, they love the experience, the new friendship and even relationship but for me everything I have experienced is temporary. Because thats life.

I remember waiting for my restdays in those 4 and a half years. Just dozing off and away from everything.

As someone who gets tired of everything easily , 4 and a half is long enough and yes im always wondering, “ Did I really made It that far?”

Nothing is forever and that is a fact. Nobody can changed that for me.

What keeps me going during those years would be me wearing that back gown and earning that degree just to slap those who insulted and looked down on me. It helped in a way that I needed. And now that I already made it, there is no other goal ahead of me.

Im waking up, living and breathing because that is what is expected.

 

Funny, I can be called a NEET now. Nothing to do, just hiding and even trashy as ever acting like a parasite clinging to my hardworking sister. That is bullshit right? The fact that I don’t want to be called that way now here I am acting exactly what I have been avoiding.

 

For the past months ive been trying to find a reason, something that will push me to move forward again. To get through it. To be able to stand and have something to be proud of. But the more I try, all I want is to sleep forever, I don’t want to think about anything anymore. Maybe that is not a good thing and yes I know it. But my helpless self don’t care anymore.

I don’t want people seeing me, I don’t even want to go out and I don’t want to talk to anyone.

Heck I don’t even have the confidence to face others.

I don’t know where this is going , all my soul and body wants is a rest that could fix even half of my cracks. You might find it funny , and you might be laughing how someone like me whos not doing anything is getting tired. I don’t even know. But I want to sleep so bad, not an 8 hour sleep but longer than what almost everyone Is thinking about sleep.

 

And I want to wake up as someone that is not me.

 

 

 

                                                   -7/28/22.

EMPTY YET HEAVY

Have you ever wonder why emptiness felt so heavy? Funny right? But its a fact and we all know it. Who would have known that something hollow was this heavy in this goddamn world. Staring at empty ceilings, dark corners, closed doors and even my favorite, the night sky. Losing interest in everything including all the things you like, something that gives you a little bit of the so called happiness. And I thought, “Why?”. why am I like this? How long will I be like this? Have you asked yourself about this too? Why does no one understands me? Or even tried to? Nobody care to ask why am I quiet. No one noticed how faked my smile was. Why wont they choose me even just for once? Why am I only second or last in everything? This bullshit situation I am in right now. I always felt useless, in everything. ALL. THE. TIME. And even though its not new to me, it still bothers me. Im used to it. But I felt like shit. Every freaking time. Im starting to wonder if I was only born to be a mess my whole life. Isnt it unfair? And im thankful that I am on the level of numbness that helps me survive all the bullshit raining down on me no matter how empty I felt, my numbness helps me a lot. But it was still there. And its not easy trying to act like it didn’t bother the hell out of me.

 

Most people chose her. All the time. In every different situation. Shes the favorite. And I think ypu know already who I was talking about. Right? No need to drop the name. Im already mean enough I don’t want to add another ingredient to my devil persona. The always jealous and full of wrath girl, not saying anything but putting everything in her blog and twitter account. How nasty was that.

Back to the topic, did I mention also that almost everyone likes her? From adults, children, boys, girls or maybe even pets despite the fact the fact that we are identical. In almost everything. We also don’t like crowds and people but there is always something that puts her on top. She was chosen. They still like her. They still want to spend time with her. And I was left alone again , with darkness looming in my heart and a question of what in my mind. Just to be clear, I don’t want any of that attention but Im only wondering why, why am I the not the first option even for once? Am I not that worthy? Are we not the same? Its good to be different because you know what im sick of that twin interpretation since I don’t know when. It was nauseating to be honest. But how are we so different despite the fact that we are almost the same? Thats all I wanna ask. I don’t care about the attention , my heart just ache whenever I was left in the corner like something thats not worthy.

 

I hate myself because I sound like a desperate attention seeker. Because to be honest with you, if I were to choose between her and me I would also run to her and leave my stupid ass me. See? Eben my own self and mind wants to choose her. It only proves how unworthy, useless and trashy I am. That even I myself would discard this self.

 

I am insecure. Yes I am. And I cant help It that she is one of the main reason.

She have the confidence that I don’t possess.

She has thee aura that I lack.

I am irresponsible while she can handle the task well.

She is born to be a leader and I will always remain as a follower.

She has the style while im only a copycat.

She has the originality that I want so bad.

She can be calm and I have the worst temper.

And there will always be a hundred reason why she is better than me.

Im so pathetic.

Desperate even.

 

I love to be alone. Its my escape since words don’t work well with me.

I can think of something. Or enter the world that I only know of. Inside my rotten mind.

And thats okay.

But sometimes, it also kills my soul. It hurts.

How long will this unnecessary life continue? Will it ever end?

When will the life that I dreamed of begin?

I want a restart button so bad. Not a pause or a rewind. I want to reset everything. Start a new life, erase the data or start a new game. Hoping that this time I will win, I will have a happy life and my soul will be at peace. No over thinking. No heartaches that could shatter.

 

I don’t like the mind I have right now, its greedy, its painful and its giving me heartaches.

But I think my mind is not the only one to blame. Its not going to be like this if the world im in is not this harsh. Not this unfair.

 

I hate my mind because it can become too selfish, too naive , too ambitious, and too desperate all the time. It becomes too powerful at the moment that it puts off the fire in me, it kills all the hope left and its scary sometimes. I want to end it. I don’t want to continue if im going to be this useless. Im trying to find a way out but it seems im in the middle of a maze. It seems that im just running in circles and I don’t even know if there is something inside me left. Something that makes me alive because all I felt is emptiness and I wonder if im only waking up every morning because that is what this cruel world expects me to do. I felt like an empty bottle. Nothing inside.

 

 

What the fuck am I doing?

 

 

--- Swadee

6/21/22. 

untitled

 Am I A burden ? i think I am. A big one. A trash. Useless , unmotivated, no goals. Nothing.

 

Im so sick of myself. I want to be reborn. I need to press a reset button in my life. Not a Pause. Not a refresh. Not the rewind or even fast forward. Just the reset. I feel like im not born for this world. I will never be. Its tiring trying to stay functional.

 

Im not excited for tomorrow, I don’t want to back to yesterday. I just want to sleep for a very long time.

I want to stop caring. I want my mind to stop. I want my world to stop.

 

I hate birthdays. I don’t see any reason to celebrate or even be happy about it.

I don’t want to remind myself that im getting older yet I havent had any accomplishments yet. Nothing.

Just trash.

 

I know I cant change the world. Its too impossible for someone like me.

But I know I can control my own world.

Sometimes I want to fade away.

I want to fly far away.

Or sleep a hundred years.

Got teleported to another realm.

This is not me who watched too much anime.

Its just better than reality.

 

I wonder how long will I bear it.

How strong can I get?

Pretending to be inlove with this world when im not.

How long will I be living the life where I don’t even know myself.

The life so bitter that I can feel the poison it brings to my bones.

 

Time can only tell

But if I had the chance to catch a star

I would love to get that reset button to end this.

 

There were too many tangled lines in my head right now

Sometimes im afraid it might come out.

And people will be terrified.

Since they don’t much about darkness.

They love shiny things.

And rainbows and flowers in spring.

And only a few hearts love autumn.

 

Im afraid that one day my hand will shake and I can no longer command it to stop

What if my eyes get tired of wearing that look of a survivor

And it decides to just stop

And all they can see are the ,hollow parts of my soul

I need to be ready

For when that time comes I don’t want their stares full of pity

At least I don’t deserve that

 

I want to be remembered as the mysterious and weird lady

No pity on her eyes

The leader of the crows

And the mistress of the lions

Fierce and loyal                                                           8.2.22

A lot of Maybe

 Do tears run out while the pain remains?

Isnt it unfair?

But I think thats what happens.

To me.

Maybe thats why it feels so heavy despite being empty.

I think it never going away. It lives here.

It will remain. Forever.

 

Like scars.

You can put a band aid but it will always be there.

Like a memory.

A remind of a wound.

A reminder of pain.

Maybe its roots runs too deep.

Pain relievers don’t work anymore.

And maybe its fine.

Since its bearable from the outside.

Or just maybe.

You can pretend its okay.

Or maybe try to forget about it.

 

But time only knows.

It will come as a surprise.

A pain inside a gift box made of everything gray.

It will knock at your door in the most unexpected moment.

Saying hello that brings tears.

Unbearable sigh that clench your heart.

And a flashbacks of memories you don’t need.

 

No choice was given but to let it in.

Wallow in grief and ignorance

Hiding beneath candy eyes

With lies clear as the skies

Only a broken soul like you

Can surely tell whats it like.

 

Who knows sunset can be bitter,

Maybe youre just expecting something sweet just like the the sky baths in purple

Thats not how it is

Its bliss but not to everyone

Its might be not your time

Just wait darling maybe the sun is not for you

Maybe your born to love under roaring thunders and angry rains

Just wait, and maybe the stars will come and kiss you.

 

For now, lets pretend everything is in color

Don’t let anyone find a crack on your door.

For they might see the fragile flower

Bathing in sadness near the drawers

Let them see you shine. For now.

Well no one knows that you have the lights on

All they care is how golden you look.

 

 

Darling, people will pretend not to notice

As long as everything seems at peace

Only our minds know the deep secret our hearts hold

And that is better than any gold.

We will not forget , since im also afraid that I will not be ready

So lets stay, inside our room where the corners can keep it safe.

 

If only someone is brave enough,

Brave to get inside the turmoil and chaos in my mind

If that someone can see the darkness in my heart

I wonder it its gonna be alright.

Is it alright darling? To let them in,

Will they understand the lonely corners of my mind.

Im scared, of everything.

Because I know that I will not like the look in their eyes

It mirrors the words that their lips cant say at the moment

And surely it will add a crack on my soul.

 

I choose my mind to keep the secrets of my heart

For my mind knows that my heart needs a diary.

A diary that will be kept hidden

For no one can understand.

 

If one day my mind cant handle it anymore

I hope to cross path with one broken soul whos ready to hear something dark

Something hidden

And something that is definitely unordinary

 

I want to run in field with blue roses

I want to fly above the horizon

Do you wonder how it feels?

Maybe yes or maybe you don’t care

Ive grown to appreciate gray

Getting darker and darker until it turns to black

I think its a lively color

I think its perfect for me

 

 

For now, ill be dancing in the green fields

But only inside my mind

For there is no way I can do that in this world thats not so good to me

Well I will try to get a little hope

So even if it crash me the pain would be little

 

Were getting older darling

And the darkness is getting stronger

Is that how it is

To grow up

To know that fairytales don’t exist

 

Well maybe if fairytales existed

It would be boring, thats why the world choose to be a little bad

If magic can happen I want to be there

I want to experience what it is

Before my heart totally freeze.

The Joker

 Have you ever tell a joke and look bad because of it? Even if you just do it because they make fun of you first? We are trapped in a fucking society where we always “need to respect” the elders? But I think their should be exceptions for that “rule”. Not because your younger you cant defend yourself against then and not because they’re older they can make fun of you always and just shrug about it like its the most normal thing to do.

 

 Its fucked up that they can insult or humiliate you like you have given them a right to do so, and have their own fun and expect you to be okay with all of it.Just one word from you and they’ll look at you like your the most awful thing they’ve seen. They consider your little joke as something that shouldnt been said in the first place. Your actions will be calculated by the judges living in their eyes. They want to have their own laugh and you are the subject, which is so fucked up, no one has the right to do that. They want to laugh their asses off yet they wont let you have even a small chuckle. When in fact, your joke was only a little better than the corniest joke they might have heard, no one will ever get insulted, hurt or humiliated since you knew yourself it will take a toll on you. Thats not the case for them. They just don’t care at all.

 

 You can no longer count the times their “jokes” humiliated , bruised your ego, dissipate your hard earned confidence and as someone as kind as you are you cant even disrespect them. You never knew that coming up with a rebuttal that is nothing compared to the humor they have, to only counter that joke who scarred you again would be a big deal. Who knows that this is so hard?

Why are laughs seems so expensive?

 Why ca someone afford it while I cant?

 Why is it so hard to tell them its not funny anymore?

Why is it so hard to let them stop?

I, have never thought that adults can be like that?it seems my own expectations hurt me again.

 

That joke was clearly on me.

 

How I wish its not this difficult to laugh.

im the worst

 Here I am again feeling pathetic and feeling so low about myself. I hate it. I am envious which I shouldnt be and I cant help it. And I feel so worst. Like im a trash. Now I strongly believe that no matter how good a person is, how hard she/he tries to liv in the most righteous way, something from the dark called envy will always finds a way especially if you have lived being compared in such a cruel world. You’ll get to point of being bad.

 

I act like im hungry for attention. I always denied it but deep inside I know thats its true no matter what the excuses would be. I don’t want it but its like a disease creeping in. As embarrassed as I am I cant do anything. All I can do is agree with the darkness creeping in. What would you expect if youve been living for almost all of you’re life being compared.

 

Having a twin is not easy and happy like what others think especially if you possess all the negative facts. Is it okay to ask for something equal?

I always ask myself.

We have the same face-they say--, same actions at times and almost the same opinions on every issue but im always in the shadows.

Why is that?

Where am I lacking?

 

But in the end I always realize that im no better and I cant defeat her.

The light on her is brighter than what I have or if im honest I really cant be her. I don’t have what she had. Maybe, our differences only ends in our faces. But sometimes, I doubt it also.

 

We have the same face yet she looks so pretty while I look like trash. No matter how dark the circles around her eyes was she still shines, her photos where perfect while mine look like a trying hard silly girl. She has plenty of ideas while I stood in the sidelines with nothing, no originality and cant think of anything. she can lead while im useless, someone who others in the room would take a glance during leader selection. She was loved, adored and admired first. And I can only step towards the dark after someone notice whos that girl that exactly looks like her.

 

I started to compare even my pictures with hers. I started to stop taking photos of myself, even scared to take an ID picture and she always says how horrible she look. I always check her photos, how can she say that? When in fact the camera loves her. Well, ever since I have a very low self esteem, I am not blaming her but it just gets worst. The fact that she doesnt know hurts. I am dependent to her like how shadows were supposed to. Maybe im a masochist.

 

Shes always there, she showed support at times , she talks to me over some things that other wouldnt understand maybe because we always have the same in mind. Always. And because, unconsciously she has become my role model.

 

Her styles inspire me, her ideas sometimes makes me survive. And sad to say, I sometimes badly want to be her.

 

I want t be alone, but at the end of the day, im thankful since she understands me the most.

Times when I feel so lucky comes but in every bliss that I thought, it always ends in the same page. I was always drag to the dark by my own mind. Trapped and suffocated. So dark that I can curse myself. I know that im not that attention seeker girl. I always want to stay in the quiet zone but in everything I think there is always an exception. Shes the only one who can turn me into someone I don’t wanna be. The evil in me smiles.

She makes me crave for the same affection, the same look she gets from everyone whos excited to listen to her, I yearn for the mind that she had, the face she wore because even if I look at it we are so different. Her smile seems ready while I always look awkward. Her frank attitude that is not afraid to say no at times and how she can stand up for what she believed in.

 

I hate myself for trying so hard to copy her always when it happens, and in return I always took the blow since no one understands. People starts assuming that I am that person and I cant tell them im not. The result is always me losing. Always me being pathetic, and sometimes without any choices I started to pretend that im really that person they thought I was. And there is no going back.

 

They cant see what I want them to see. And I ended up being an actor trying hard to blend in. Why is it so hard?

Its always getting worst. There is no way out.

FEAR

 When I was still working, back in my call centers day I always get low survey scores, so the effect would always be attending a short meeting with an English trainer since as what my supervisor say it will help me get a better result next time but of course I doubt that will happen. If you don’t know I think I’m famous enough already in the company or for those who know me either my team mates, previous supervisors, account coordinator and of course Quality Assurance specialist as the Irate agent. So in short, I always have a rebuttal especially for customers who they call “Karen” . Yes, that’s one of my toxic trait, I don’t have the patience that others have. One insult and boom! One shout and here comes the sarcasm. So yeah that’s me! Ill tell you about that some other time.

 

There’s this time, in a short meeting with the trainer which I already forgot the name, ask me some random question only instead of lecturing me the same things over and over again. Which I really like considering that its an after shift session where agents are expected as sleepy, groggy and cant definitely understand a boring throwback lecture. One of her question was “Whats your greatest fear?”

 

If your going to be ask what would be your answer. Maybe you can answer it in a few seconds right? You’ll say death, snakes or even accidents. But on that time , it seems that I was the only one who cant answer. It seems that for others the question would be like the same when someone ask you what your favorite color. But for me I found myself thinking hard, nothing comes to mind. Even my fright for snakes didn’t come to mind that time. My mind wandered more than the question ask, It didn’t answer in a way that was expected. Its really weird , it seems that the trainer might think that im an over thinker which in fact is true. As I recall, I was thinking that time what was the fear in my heart more than the most obvious one. So my answer came out like I was being interviewed in an all about life program.

 

 

“ Maybe to die without accomplishing something.” That was my answer to the question. I forgot about the trainers reaction already but after the meeting ended even I myself realized that was the time I admitted my greatest fear. I don’t fear death like most of the majority. If its meant for you to live long then good, but if its your time then you cant do anything about it. You may have heard about it already, it was an old saying from the grandmothers but I fully agree with it. Not accomplishing anything meant you haven’t served your purpose in this lifetime. You havent lived. And it seems your space in this lifetime is a waste. You can disagree with me but thats what I thought especially if you havent lived your life without relying on others. Life was given to find purpose or be full of purpose. As for me , im saying this right now but im also ashamed since I also didn’t know right now what the fuck am I doing.

-- Swadee *

3/31/22. 

HUMANS AND DEMON LORDS

                        Anime: Standing on A Million Lives

I hate humans. Yeah, you’re laughing, thinking im condemning my own race. But did you ever wonder why? Am I the only one? Have you watched an anime series where its all about the hero-church people-versus-demon lords fighting? And have you thought about why they want to exterminate the human race? You might say that I watched too much animes or read enough mangas or stories. I can consider myself a mid-level otaku, minus the cosplay and everything that is customized. Im collecting merch and im inlove with a lot of fictional characters. Back to what I was saying, demon lords don’t just hate humans, they always have a reason. It might not still be able to justify their actions but you cant blame them and I believe that all this reason can actually be the same with the real life except demon lords don’t exist only unfortunate souls. Betrayal always comes first, then discrimination. This happens not only in animes or novels or movies, I think you might have come across with it already. Didn’t you?

 

Humans not only betrayed their own kind, they can abandon their pets, they can even shatter someone else dream as long as they can pull their selves up. Imagine being abandoned without knowing the reason, waiting for a return that is unsure. Humans are greedy, not contented with the success they have turning to yearning of perfection, always acts superior even with nature acting like they don’t care but when karma strikes they usually just find something to blame. They need to accept that the universe can just easily crush them, instead all they do is act high and mighty developing something that is not really necessary. Yes, I hate my own kind. Call me anything but thats what I felt, I don’t know if were the same but think about it. Imagine someone who will all act goody and nice just because they need something from you and because they know your the best candidate to help save their ass out. Being considerate and providing the help I can, giving advice, instructions and even examples when in fact those assholes just want you do all the job instead. They couldve told me that they want to sleep and let you do all the hussle. I hate it. I liked those who are aware that theyre being used and can confidently decline, you don’t need to feel guilty you did great and its for you, you dont need to have those heavy feelings , turning down someone who is capable for something that theyre asking for is not a crime, you need to go away if need just to avoid those who wants to treat you low. Youre not someones doormat. They need to know how to put effort, ransack their brain for that fuckin research paper, they need to know their place, its not okay just to say “OKAY” everytime. They are always the ones with all these dramas about how hard when in fact all they do is spend their time on TikTok feeling all that sad girl vibe. Fuck! They don’t even know how hard it is to earn for the daily expenses and rent and tuition fees and now theyre acting so low when in fact its her mother paying for her school fees, I cant even imagine how bullshit it is to have your mother worried about you and their you are wasting her money chasing some guy that not even worth it. Well, I don’t care just don’t involve me in any of your dramas ,I don’t give a fuck ,im just concerned about your mother. Why cant they realize theyre being unfair?

 

They cant even understand your silence and here you are listening to their late nights play. Im not asking for anything in return God knows that just a little bit of common sense for them to know that they need to be sensitive. And bear in mind , that its okay to cut them off. Permanently.

 

-- Swadee-

3/3/22. 

LOVE YOURSELF FIRST

 I’ve choose to be alone because I know that I can save my heart in doing so. Being in a place where there is a lot of crowd doesn’t guarantee that it will truly make you happy. Being with yourself helps you know how you can be better without the help of others. For others, it may sound dumb but for me its the best way to be yourself. We all deserve to be loved but first we must also learn and never forget to love our self first.

 

There is nothing wrong in putting our self first. As long as were not hurting anyone and as long as you know in yourself that you deserve that treatment. We can love someone or something but we must not compromise the love that we can give to ourselves. They say, “LOVE is the most beautiful and important discovery.” Well I may say that I can agree with that. It would be more beautiful if we can find it in the right place, right time and especially with the right person.

 

They say that in order for you to find that someone you must also find a way and not just wait for it since they believe that you cant find it if you’re not putting any efforts on finding it. Well for me, you must trust GOD’S timing and it will be more beautiful. After destiny brought you to where you’re supposed to be then you can do your part and do everything to keep it. But then again we must remember to love our self first. Don’t be afraid if love fails ,it happens for a reason. If you know your worth then surely you can find that certain person God has reserved for you. Don’t be in a hurry, the perfect love story takes time.

 

Fall in love with someone who sees you soul. Someone who makes you smile not just make you laugh.I’ve read somewhere to fall in love with a soul not just the body which I surely would give a thumbs up. It would be amazing to meet that person who can see right through you without giving a hint or some words. That person who actually can see right through your very own soul. Its like memorizing the shades of your eyes and analyzing what mood you are in. It might be bored , sleepy , frustrated or just plain stupid sometimes.I would surely be glad and excited to meet that person.

 

Well of course, I also believed that you can actually get this bliss alone. Like enjoying your favorite ice cream in your favorite place, drinking your coffee in one the new coffee shop in town or might be falling in love with the sound of the rain even when sometimes you actually hate it. But my favorite is of course crying my eyes out when watching a sad movie. Well that may include every movies with dogs being the hero and on every tear-jerking movie about young love and tragic ending which I honestly love. And never forget a romantic anime movie which shatter your heart and break your soul.

 

That just some of the few things that others actually missed out due to being absorbed by the cruel world. Others begged for love when the truth is they know in their selves that they are more. They always tired their hearts out and always forget to water their soul. They always wait for that infamous knight in shining armor who will actually swept them off their feet when the truth is that fictional prince is out there just waiting for some damsel in distress to fall over their feet. Yes Dear, the world is unfair and it will always be. Remember Scar?

 

It would be great if love often comes in an easy way however that would be really boring. Just try to dance inside your room in the music inside your head. Experiment with your hairstyle but don’t go too far or maybe try burning your house down by trying to get your masterpiece straight from the oven in a form of your favorite chocolate chip cookie which you already tried a hundred times baking but doesn’t always looks like a cookie. Or maybe just try to focus on getting those goals first pasted on your wall. Then maybe, I’m damn sure that you will now exactly know how priceless you are and no one can measure your worth because you knew from the start that your one of a kind and you will be always worth it. There’s nothing in loving and putting yourself first especially if you know it would be for the best. Well, I believe in what Maleficent says,” Love doesn’t always ends well.” If that happens you still have yourself, SCRATCHED but still BEAUTIFUL. <3

 

 

-- S W A D E E x.x ***

Written on 10/14/19.

Rain in the Last Day of February

 Today, the rain pours.

It falls like tears from a confused soul.

Like me.

Bringing coldness, close to how cold her heart is.

 

Windy as expected, with no direction

Oh, how I can tell that the weather today is also lonely

Like anxiety.

Its cold, but as I grow old

Coldness became my nest.

 

The cold is creeping

My soul came weeping

Funny how winter makes my heart cry

Letting me know its alive

It seems that its waiting for it,

Like a child that is waiting for its parent.

It no longer yearns warmth

Since it been too late and it became dry.

 

It doesn’t remember how long

All it knows is it needs a song

And raindrops and cold breeze sustains the melody.

What a sad song

The heart will always be grateful to the rain.

 

Waiting for lightning

Expecting the rain

A smile will finally creep from a long burned lips.