DROWNING

I think im drowning. This feeling has always been here. I don’t even remember when it started, sometimes I can feel that its in my head, or sometimes just somewhere near or lurking in the shadows. All I know is im craving for air to breath or a hand that will pull me up when im almost reaching the bottom. And the truth is, I only knew it when I can no longer breath it seems that I always notice it too late. In the middle of nowhere or in between solitude.

 

Im not good at handling things, decisions , problems, company or any inf=d of relationships, may it be romantic or platonic. I always get tired. So easily. Always finding things boring or even lifeless, and I know I need to go because its eating me up.and worst, every time I always lost a part of myself, my confidence, my directions , and self esteem. And I always catch my breath trying to find the air and the light. Thats when I know im drowning. Again.

 

Memories tends to perished, its seems to be that its made only to be enjoyed once and the rest would be stardust. Feelings would be a once in a lifetime luxury, a minute of euphoria and it would be nice to capture it like what others do but it seems that I don’t have the privileige. For me its just a tick of the clock or I can put it like a stopwatch, maybe given a minute or just a few seconds only. So I need to enjoy it while its happening. Is it to bad to get a piece to be kept? Sometimes its an advantage but not all the time. If only I could select what to keep and what to lose. And I turn out to be pathetic with no feelings or even memories to say I live.

 

Imagine the feeling of wanting something so bad, feeling the love towards something and then find out that you don’t want it anymore. Im not spoiled, oh how I wish I was, but that feeling that you’re getting tired of something you though you like is simply absurd that I want to curse myself. Why do I always wants to run away and not mind anything.I cant find the finish line.

 

A few months ago, that damn feelings of being out of breath is pulling me too hard unlike the previous cases so I decided to take a leap not minding how high or what could be the possible damage after I fall. I quit. I escaped. Im tired. They don’t understand how I badly wanted to breath. Im incompetent in their eyes but they don’t know much I want to hide. Maybe im wasting time, would it be bad if I know I needed this? I need to jump to break free from that feeling before I totally disappear. And I know I wont regret it. Shitty as I am , I still feel restless, awful and pathetic. What do I really want? How can someone understand if I don’t even fucking understand me and myself. Now im starting to frown again without any direction and no where to hold.

 

I thought I already escape the trigger of this feelings but theyre always everywhere. They are here. Running away by quitting my job to avoid the stress and the toxic work environment because it also is one of the triggers. But why does anxiety never goes away? Why do I feel like the tide is washing me away from the shore? Maybe because I took over thinking as my favorite hobby but what I can do? I tried some ways to avoid it but it keeps on hunting me. I don’t know. Its getting worse and worse. I don’t know. I can even think of even a half ass reason why.

 

Maybe because this time I don’t have a goal in mind. Im almost dine with school all I need is to process everything for graduation. I did before since I know thats the best revenge for those who threw insults at me. A diploma. Maybe they wont treat me as little as before. But now since its done all I want is to sleep. Im tired. And im not literally not doing anything.maybe because my soul is tired.

 

 

--- Swadee **

4/3/22.I think im drowning. This feeling has always been here. I don’t even remember when it started, sometimes I can feel that its in my head, or sometimes just somewhere near or lurking in the shadows. All I know is im craving for air to breath or a hand that will pull me up when im almost reaching the bottom. And the truth is, I only knew it when I can no longer breath it seems that I always notice it too late. In the middle of nowhere or in between solitude.

 

Im not good at handling things, decisions , problems, company or any inf=d of relationships, may it be romantic or platonic. I always get tired. So easily. Always finding things boring or even lifeless, and I know I need to go because its eating me up.and worst, every time I always lost a part of myself, my confidence, my directions , and self esteem. And I always catch my breath trying to find the air and the light. Thats when I know im drowning. Again.

 

Memories tends to perished, its seems to be that its made only to be enjoyed once and the rest would be stardust. Feelings would be a once in a lifetime luxury, a minute of euphoria and it would be nice to capture it like what others do but it seems that I don’t have the privilege. For me its just a tick of the clock or I can put it like a stopwatch, maybe given a minute or just a few seconds only. So I need to enjoy it while its happening. Is it to bad to get a piece to be kept? Sometimes its an advantage but not all the time. If only I could select what to keep and what to lose. And I turn out to be pathetic with no feelings or even memories to say I live.

 

Imagine the feeling of wanting something so bad, feeling the love towards something and then find out that you don’t want it anymore. Im not spoiled, oh how I wish I was, but that feeling that you’re getting tired of something you though you like is simply absurd that I want to curse myself. Why do I always wants to run away and not mind anything.I cant find the finish line.

 

A few months ago, that damn feelings of being out of breath is pulling me too hard unlike the previous cases so I decided to take a leap not minding how high or what could be the possible damage after I fall. I quit. I escaped. Im tired. They don’t understand how I badly wanted to breath. Im incompetent in their eyes but they don’t know much I want to hide. Maybe im wasting time, would it be bad if I know I needed this? I need to jump to break free from that feeling before I totally disappear. And I know I wont regret it. Shitty as I am , I still feel restless, awful and pathetic. What do I really want? How can someone understand if I don’t even fucking understand me and myself. Now im starting to frown again without any direction and no where to hold.

 

I thought I already escape the trigger of this feelings but theyre always everywhere. They are here. Running away by quitting my job to avoid the stress and the toxic work environment because it also is one of the triggers. But why does anxiety never goes away? Why do I feel like the tide is washing me away from the shore? Maybe because I took over thinking as my favorite hobby but what I can do? I tried some ways to avoid it but it keeps on hunting me. I don’t know. Its getting worse and worse. I don’t know. I can even think of even a half ass reason why.

 

Maybe because this time I don’t have a goal in mind. Im almost dine with school all I need is to process everything for graduation. I did before since I know thats the best revenge for those who threw insults at me. A diploma. Maybe they wont treat me as little as before. But now since its done all I want is to sleep. Im tired. And im not literally not doing anything,.maybe because my soul is tired.

 

 

--- Swadee **

4/3/22.

FRIENDS???

 

Do you ever know someone who will send you a message just to use “you” , your name just for their own benefit? If you have encountered these kind of people then I can definitely relate. The reason why  their parents don’t trust them anymore is them. Breaking someone’s trust is always the worst , especially when its your parents, but of course it is happening outside the homes too, everyone can experience this, either you can break someone's trust or you’ll lost the trust you have for them, its just that it always comes to worst on parents. Well, I cant 100 % relate, since we are not that open with each other and it was a long time since I lived with them but still I can imagine it, and I know I wouldn't want it if ever that the situation is different with my situation right now but yes , I have my tiny share too, I remember going home drunk when I was 16. Back when my mother is still with us. You'll get reprimanded and they will look at you not the same way before. Right?

 

There are those who have broken their parents trust not just once but about a dozen times already and still act like they’re being bullied by their parents, or maybe act like the situation is not getting better and will always say that maybe they just don’t have luck with the kind of parents they have. And that's really one hell of bullshit to take. I just cant take it. You’re lucky enough if your parents are still with you, might be living in the same house or just simply being alive even if they're old and cant carry you in their arms anymore.

Anime: The Genius Prince Guide to Raising a Nation Out if Debt

For those who still have this privilege , you are lucky and you should treasure it as much as you’re heart can hold.

 

Making a mistake is normal, we should learn from it and put it behind our back after not do it again and again. Doing it again is being stupid and you know it but you’re still providing excuses to justify it. Worst is, someone can just lie easily to get what they want even compromising their parents trust that is already broken. Imagine a broken thing getting smashed again? Is it hard to at least forget about nonsense whims? For your mother. And you want someone to cover up for you? You want someone to lie for you and fool your mother? She didn’t even judge you after what happened? After you left here heart broken and her mind wary of worrying over you while you are flirting with a guy whose not even worthy? Did she judge you? No. Did she kick you out? No. She still supported you and even pay your tuition fee, even after lying that you enrolled in that semester when in fact all you did was waste her money , helped you when you decided to quit your job and was still even their when you got another job. SHE IS STILL THERE. AND WILL ALWAYS BE THERE. And you know what? That's what I envy about you, you have a very strong woman beside you. Even when I'm visiting often but I can feel her care and her vast understanding. But I don’t understand why you can lie to her that easily? Why do you keep repeating the same mistakes?

 

And don’t regret saying NO to any request especially if that will hurt someone who doesn’t deserve the pain. I wont lie to the old woman to cover for you, first, she doesn’t deserve to be fooled and second, I don't think you treated me as a friend more like someone that you can used whenever you can. I will always say NO since its clear as day that you’re just using me. I hope one day you'll see how hard it is for her getting lied to by her own daughter. How she keeps her disappointments to herself to avoid hurting you. She's always smiling wanting the best for you. How can you be awful?

 

To someone out there, if ever you feel that somebody is using you for their own convenience don’t be afraid to say NO. Nobody has the right to make someone their doormat and no parents or someone who is capable of love deserve to get hurt. Don’t be afraid to walk away especially if that can help someone keep their smile. Stop wasting your time on someone who only remembers to call you if ever they need someone to do their dirty tricks. Someone who will made you lie to her mother so she can meet up with her friends and just leave you alone like you don’t matter? Wake up and don’t be afraid to lose someone along the way, its always the best who stays.

 

 

-- Swadee x.x

3/18/22. 

Quitter

 Its been 3 days since I officially quit my job but I still havent tell a single soul well except those who already knows, my former sup , my sister, and 3 other beings. Well I don’t really know. Im not worried about money right now, Ive been thinking about how to tell them but I cant even think of a way. Maybe because I didn’t know why im having a hard time spilling it. I keep asking how it was so easy for others to tell someone whatever decision they have or they have done. 4 years and a half is not a joke and for sure I am aware of it. Others might say im being impractical, well I cant argue with that since that is true. I might come out as impulsive well maybe, but Ive been thinking about it got the last few months, maybe a year ago. Im the kind that gets bored easily, I don’t socialize or what others say make many friends. I cant do that because well as ive said I lost interest. Yes, especially people. Sometimes theyre just too easy to read, one glance and youll know theyre not gonna stay for long. Like seasons. Back to quitting  my job , the plan was to wait until March, since that is the time for graduation but of course shit happens, I took it as a sign, funny and impulsive you may say but yes I did. My attitude hits back in an ugly way I don’t know how many times. Maybe because im already stuck. I dont find it worth staying for like before that I can still force myself to carry on with the job and so I quit. Loser right? You know that feeling that your earning you can buy what interest you, or if not right away I know I can save for it. My previous teammate told me that I shouldnt feel “napagiiwanan” since I sent my self to school alone at that, I have a job while others are fighting for it, I can even call my self professional and I should be proud knowing how independent I can be. But why does it feels like I still don’t have any direction? Why am I lost?

 

I quit my job in Cebu because I know I need to grow. And looking back that was one of the best decision it leads me to where I am today. Following my rejections after, I decided to go and send myself to college so one day I can proudly say I made it. So one day those rejections will no longer hurt me and those who insulted and didn’t believe will at least regret what they’ve said before. Yes, others may say that is wrong because I was aiming for revenge but for me it doesnt matter because thats what pushed me to carry on the job even if I know im not fit for it. Imagine how a person that doesnt like talking to someone shes not comfortable with, a person who doesnt say hi unless someone came to her first, a person who doesnt have enough patience to even repeat what she had said has become a call center agent for almost 5 freakin years. Well , I was going on about this because maybe I was still trying to justify the decision I made. Whats funny is I don’t even know why im explaining, why I was so hesitant to tell them and why I am still thinking what others may think.  One thing im sure is I wont regret it, It might have come early than planned but I know this is what I want. And you know whats stupid about it, I always convince myself and I even gave advice not to think what other people say but in the end im always the one getting slap by it, I came to realize that ive always been thinking about the disappointment that I will hear or maybe see. Why is it always hard to do what you want and just let the others fuck off? Why?

 

 

 

By Swadee . 1/16/22