Push me

 Time check. Another evening, another day. down to the last 2 months of the calendar. But im still shitty as I am. No fucking achievements, no improvements just nothing. Still finding the right answer to why I am like this. To why am I feeling this way. Why my mind runs in different way, not so similar to others. Why is everything pointless. Can I get away?

 

A month ago, I ventured on one of my greatest escape, and im glad it happened. We attended the concert ive been waiting for the past 2 years. And im glad that my sister have given me the opportunity, but at the same time I realized again how pathetic and trashy I am. Compared to her. I always told my self that I am not someone who will impose on others but funny thing, I am exactly a trash right now. Nothing. How did it end up like this?

 

Maybe because the only thing I planned after I quit was how to get out of that hell, I didn’t think of the other hell waiting for me. Im so confident that Ill get the peace I badly want but as shitty as my life , why did I expect? Its not changing it just showered me more anxiety that im still exhausted as ever. Im stuck. Like how my novel is still stuck at chapter 5. like before. I lost the drive. Im trying to catch up but I don’t even know where to hold.

 

See? Still a stuck up loser. I told my self a month ago after that vacation that I need to move forward. Because that is what I need. But still nothing. Damn. Im not even going comfortable going outside, I don’t want people to look at me or even talk to me. Im so anxious when I think about sending that damn resume. Im so stupid. Why cant I be normal?

 

All I am doing is excuses. Excuses to stop me from going outside. Thats the only way right now to calm the storm in me. Now I have a new one, o better start it on new year. This time I hope someone, something can push me. Push me so hard ill fall harder. Or even punch me to put some sense on me. I am ashamed. Really. I hate my self more and more. Im all talk but im the worst.

 

Please push me enough so I wont be able to look back. Can somebody please?

Out Of Space

have you ever asked yourself if you really belong to this world? this planet? the era your in? i was always wondering maybe im born into the wrong era. What if this is not the life meant for me? what am i doing here anyway? Whats the reason why im here? What was in store for me? 

those questions are never going away at the back of my mind. They are persistent to stay there. Questions that will remain unanswered. Unspoken. A mystery.

i always knew that i am caught in the web of struggles looking for a reason to love life. a few years back, my teenage self all wanted was to find a job to support myself, provide for my needs or even give back to those who was there. im alone. No one to depend to. So i need to work my ass off if i wanted to buy something i want, eat what i crave and go somewhere i want to.  So i did. But the world doesnt supposed to work that way, its not going to stop just to give you time to adjust. You are growing older and its no longer the same. You wll realize that you need to grow. You need to survive and that means aiming for something higher. That poor teenage girl, ignorant to the cruel world tried to spread its wings and only ended  being swept by the wind. its too harsh. You will learn things in a hard way. The world will not stop for you. 

so i watch as confidence inflates, my eyes now knew that cruelty is always present in this world im in. and i dont have the power to stop it. i need to shield myself.  and the ugliness of the society makes it worst. 

who would have thought that a single paper will define your future? that it will matter most especially in the eyes of the society? that hard work is nothing without that shitty piece of paper. if you know what im talking about, thats the fucking college diploma. it sucks that people will based it on that shit how they will treat you. how their eyes will look at you and even if they need to smile at you or just treat you like nothing. Well, this hopeless girl now has one goal in mind. i need to get that shitty piece of paper and i will make them swallow their words. 

others may say that you need to forget and only focus on the positive things, well news flash, because of that dark feeling i have i was able to push myself even get on the job i never thought i could stand just to finish what ive started. Now i was waiting for that freaking moment were i can put on that fuckin black gown and get on that goddamn stage. that is the eonly time i can give myself a massive pat on the ,shoulder and say, " i made it." Yes i know im too hard on myself but thats what makes this stupid mind going.

After almost five years that goal is almost completed, now im back to the same scene. that girl who doesnt know where to go, doenst know what to do next. back to the phase that im struggling what to push me forward. and the anxiety that comes with the job i had. knowing myself im a very irritating person, no patience at all so i was actually amazed that i have been a customer service rep for almost 5 years given the personality i have. well i know im toxic. we all are. i quit. because i know that i need to find a way to save myself from my mind, my sanity is at stake, its been so suffocating and its been almost 10 months now. but whats funny is, im still a loser. Pathetic. Dumb. i realize how stupid i am. how dull my life was. well i already knew that but its sucks big time. im useless. im selfish which i also know. not proud of it though. it sucks that my mind doesnt work like how others work. it sucks bigtime.  

i wonder if there was something or someone who can push me. or even slap me. maybe that will work. Maybe i can think of something, enough to move forward?   thats why i keep on asking maybe im not for this world. Maybe i was never meant to be here. People usually are full of ambitions, or goals or dreams but here i am wishing to sleep and forget everything. i want to reset everything. or sleep for i dont know how long and just wake up to a different world.  When will i fall inlove with life?

10 Years

 October 3. thats your day. And its been 10 years since I last saw you, since I was able to give you a birthday card and 10 years of uncelebrated birthdays. A decade. A decade of what ifs, too many scenarios and too many questions. Im trying to imagine the supposed situaton if you were here but I cant really get a clear resolution. Maye because I  was so used to it. That I have accepted everything. That I have no chance to hope because it doesnt matter anymore, that no matter how beautiful the scene im going to create in my hsnd it wont change the fact that it was all just an illusion and it was better to leave it as it is. No imaginary scenes means no hopes raised. No more additional pain. Yes, I think thats better that way.

 

 

But what if youre still here, right now, right this moment where I am in the middle of nothing. Nothings working, its never going to be fine no matter how many times I told myself that overrated qoute. No decisions ever made, just a lot of regrets. Would you be able to understand? Will you hear my silence? Will you know that im crying silently until my throat hurts? Will you noticed how I hated myself? Will you? Maybe. Maybe not.

 

They say that people are not fortune tellers, you gotta tell them how you feel so that they can analyze, maybe they are right . but what will happen after? You cant tell if they are even interested to listen in the first place. Youll end up hoping that after you poured your heart to them they will understand but they will just nod , give you some unhelpful advice that they think will solve eveything not knowing that its just another toll on the poor soul, words that they think is nice ti hear but it was just another sugar coated phrase saying, “ youre too emotional”, “ its nothing”, “ forget about it” or sometimes it may be insensitive enough to cost you another night of overthinking.

 

Well, I wont know, the fact that I havent been able to see you as a mother to her teenage and now adult children will always be a question to me if you were the mother I wish or maybe just the same with other mothers. But remember this, I never hated you. I adored you and there was a time in my younger years that I wish youll see me as the woman you want me to be. Maybe in another life.

 

Still thank you , for those years that you were there, for letting me call you Mommy and for the little moments that I can still remember until today. I just hope that my poor memory will be able to keep it until then. Wherever you are, as they say that when people passed they can still see us, if that was true then I just want you to know that I was once happy meeting you, being with you and having moments with you.

 

If you can see me, please give me a little time, ill try my best to make you proud. Until then Mommy.

 

 

Your daughter,

Swadee

10/3/22.