Push me

 Time check. Another evening, another day. down to the last 2 months of the calendar. But im still shitty as I am. No fucking achievements, no improvements just nothing. Still finding the right answer to why I am like this. To why am I feeling this way. Why my mind runs in different way, not so similar to others. Why is everything pointless. Can I get away?

 

A month ago, I ventured on one of my greatest escape, and im glad it happened. We attended the concert ive been waiting for the past 2 years. And im glad that my sister have given me the opportunity, but at the same time I realized again how pathetic and trashy I am. Compared to her. I always told my self that I am not someone who will impose on others but funny thing, I am exactly a trash right now. Nothing. How did it end up like this?

 

Maybe because the only thing I planned after I quit was how to get out of that hell, I didn’t think of the other hell waiting for me. Im so confident that Ill get the peace I badly want but as shitty as my life , why did I expect? Its not changing it just showered me more anxiety that im still exhausted as ever. Im stuck. Like how my novel is still stuck at chapter 5. like before. I lost the drive. Im trying to catch up but I don’t even know where to hold.

 

See? Still a stuck up loser. I told my self a month ago after that vacation that I need to move forward. Because that is what I need. But still nothing. Damn. Im not even going comfortable going outside, I don’t want people to look at me or even talk to me. Im so anxious when I think about sending that damn resume. Im so stupid. Why cant I be normal?

 

All I am doing is excuses. Excuses to stop me from going outside. Thats the only way right now to calm the storm in me. Now I have a new one, o better start it on new year. This time I hope someone, something can push me. Push me so hard ill fall harder. Or even punch me to put some sense on me. I am ashamed. Really. I hate my self more and more. Im all talk but im the worst.

 

Please push me enough so I wont be able to look back. Can somebody please?

EMPTY YET HEAVY

Have you ever wonder why emptiness felt so heavy? Funny right? But its a fact and we all know it. Who would have known that something hollow was this heavy in this goddamn world. Staring at empty ceilings, dark corners, closed doors and even my favorite, the night sky. Losing interest in everything including all the things you like, something that gives you a little bit of the so called happiness. And I thought, “Why?”. why am I like this? How long will I be like this? Have you asked yourself about this too? Why does no one understands me? Or even tried to? Nobody care to ask why am I quiet. No one noticed how faked my smile was. Why wont they choose me even just for once? Why am I only second or last in everything? This bullshit situation I am in right now. I always felt useless, in everything. ALL. THE. TIME. And even though its not new to me, it still bothers me. Im used to it. But I felt like shit. Every freaking time. Im starting to wonder if I was only born to be a mess my whole life. Isnt it unfair? And im thankful that I am on the level of numbness that helps me survive all the bullshit raining down on me no matter how empty I felt, my numbness helps me a lot. But it was still there. And its not easy trying to act like it didn’t bother the hell out of me.

 

Most people chose her. All the time. In every different situation. Shes the favorite. And I think ypu know already who I was talking about. Right? No need to drop the name. Im already mean enough I don’t want to add another ingredient to my devil persona. The always jealous and full of wrath girl, not saying anything but putting everything in her blog and twitter account. How nasty was that.

Back to the topic, did I mention also that almost everyone likes her? From adults, children, boys, girls or maybe even pets despite the fact the fact that we are identical. In almost everything. We also don’t like crowds and people but there is always something that puts her on top. She was chosen. They still like her. They still want to spend time with her. And I was left alone again , with darkness looming in my heart and a question of what in my mind. Just to be clear, I don’t want any of that attention but Im only wondering why, why am I the not the first option even for once? Am I not that worthy? Are we not the same? Its good to be different because you know what im sick of that twin interpretation since I don’t know when. It was nauseating to be honest. But how are we so different despite the fact that we are almost the same? Thats all I wanna ask. I don’t care about the attention , my heart just ache whenever I was left in the corner like something thats not worthy.

 

I hate myself because I sound like a desperate attention seeker. Because to be honest with you, if I were to choose between her and me I would also run to her and leave my stupid ass me. See? Eben my own self and mind wants to choose her. It only proves how unworthy, useless and trashy I am. That even I myself would discard this self.

 

I am insecure. Yes I am. And I cant help It that she is one of the main reason.

She have the confidence that I don’t possess.

She has thee aura that I lack.

I am irresponsible while she can handle the task well.

She is born to be a leader and I will always remain as a follower.

She has the style while im only a copycat.

She has the originality that I want so bad.

She can be calm and I have the worst temper.

And there will always be a hundred reason why she is better than me.

Im so pathetic.

Desperate even.

 

I love to be alone. Its my escape since words don’t work well with me.

I can think of something. Or enter the world that I only know of. Inside my rotten mind.

And thats okay.

But sometimes, it also kills my soul. It hurts.

How long will this unnecessary life continue? Will it ever end?

When will the life that I dreamed of begin?

I want a restart button so bad. Not a pause or a rewind. I want to reset everything. Start a new life, erase the data or start a new game. Hoping that this time I will win, I will have a happy life and my soul will be at peace. No over thinking. No heartaches that could shatter.

 

I don’t like the mind I have right now, its greedy, its painful and its giving me heartaches.

But I think my mind is not the only one to blame. Its not going to be like this if the world im in is not this harsh. Not this unfair.

 

I hate my mind because it can become too selfish, too naive , too ambitious, and too desperate all the time. It becomes too powerful at the moment that it puts off the fire in me, it kills all the hope left and its scary sometimes. I want to end it. I don’t want to continue if im going to be this useless. Im trying to find a way out but it seems im in the middle of a maze. It seems that im just running in circles and I don’t even know if there is something inside me left. Something that makes me alive because all I felt is emptiness and I wonder if im only waking up every morning because that is what this cruel world expects me to do. I felt like an empty bottle. Nothing inside.

 

 

What the fuck am I doing?

 

 

--- Swadee

6/21/22. 

untitled

 Am I A burden ? i think I am. A big one. A trash. Useless , unmotivated, no goals. Nothing.

 

Im so sick of myself. I want to be reborn. I need to press a reset button in my life. Not a Pause. Not a refresh. Not the rewind or even fast forward. Just the reset. I feel like im not born for this world. I will never be. Its tiring trying to stay functional.

 

Im not excited for tomorrow, I don’t want to back to yesterday. I just want to sleep for a very long time.

I want to stop caring. I want my mind to stop. I want my world to stop.

 

I hate birthdays. I don’t see any reason to celebrate or even be happy about it.

I don’t want to remind myself that im getting older yet I havent had any accomplishments yet. Nothing.

Just trash.

 

I know I cant change the world. Its too impossible for someone like me.

But I know I can control my own world.

Sometimes I want to fade away.

I want to fly far away.

Or sleep a hundred years.

Got teleported to another realm.

This is not me who watched too much anime.

Its just better than reality.

 

I wonder how long will I bear it.

How strong can I get?

Pretending to be inlove with this world when im not.

How long will I be living the life where I don’t even know myself.

The life so bitter that I can feel the poison it brings to my bones.

 

Time can only tell

But if I had the chance to catch a star

I would love to get that reset button to end this.

 

There were too many tangled lines in my head right now

Sometimes im afraid it might come out.

And people will be terrified.

Since they don’t much about darkness.

They love shiny things.

And rainbows and flowers in spring.

And only a few hearts love autumn.

 

Im afraid that one day my hand will shake and I can no longer command it to stop

What if my eyes get tired of wearing that look of a survivor

And it decides to just stop

And all they can see are the ,hollow parts of my soul

I need to be ready

For when that time comes I don’t want their stares full of pity

At least I don’t deserve that

 

I want to be remembered as the mysterious and weird lady

No pity on her eyes

The leader of the crows

And the mistress of the lions

Fierce and loyal                                                           8.2.22

CLOUDY

 

 

Today, 27^th of March 2022 1:37 in the afternoon I was ready to eat my lunch for the day. Woke up around 9 A.m., have my 3 hour breakfast so lunch is expected to be around 2 in the afternoon. Not so usual right? We a different time for that. Gloomy as the sky, my heart can relate, I mean not just today my heart is always gloomy. But unlike the weather it always has been this way, no sunny days, maybe a bit of autumn a times or a little spring. I don’t know anymore.

 

 Its been almost 3 months after I left my job but I dot have it in me to start again. Am I pathetic? I'm a loser and again I don’t know anymore. Those who quit after me already started their new career in the same field but only in another company and I'm still here trying to wrap my head in everything. I'm pretty sure they’ve been thinking how incompetent I am, irresponsible and doesn't care about a thing. I can agree with the first and the last but not the responsibility part, I don’t have any obligations so far, I'm just waiting for graduation and I have my savings for that, I don’t spend money like before when I am still employed, I don’t do online shopping anymore, and I think that is responsible enough. I know what I can only do at the moment.

 

I am incompetent maybe because I don’t have the motivation others have, that is one of the reason I can think of , or if I am to be honest I'm afraid that maybe this is really me. Maybe I am really someone who doesn't think of the future , and as much as I want to deny it, that is true. I don’t see myself in a way that others are see their self, I don’t have plans like how others planned their future in 10 or 20 years, all I have is tomorrow , months I guess when I badly want to see a movie and the trailer is out knowing that it will be months away or a concert of an artist I badly want. I sometimes laugh at myself, maybe others will say how comfortable my life is without worrying about my future, how confident I am , how secured or how carefree. But the truth is , it always makes me wonder, “ Why am I like this?” sometimes I get tired of letting myself believe in all my excuses, I pity myself, my body for having a dumb soul, lifeless, no future just no direction. Living life for this long with the mindset I have really makes me think “ Why am I even here?” Maybe I've waste my time to much, maybe this life is not meant for the soul I have.

 

Living life with no direction is exhausting, especially if you don’t have answers to your own question. As Christopher Robin said, “ Doing nothing leads to the very best something.” I surely loved that quote but maybe its not always the case . Maybe I like it since its giving me another excuse to not face the tide which is life. What a shame! I'm such a joke.

 

As the sun starts smiling right now, I'm still stuck in my cloudy world. I keep thinking these past few days that time is running and I'm getting really useless, I cant even start doing the things I want , the ideas I have before passing my resignation letter. And I totally hate me for that. Bit as usual , the loser me is still writing,  finding excuses, doing other unnecessary things , procrastinating, since that's why I do best. I don’t feel the fire to get a new job, I don’t want to try since I know its not gonna work since I'm so out of it, I will be wasting my efforts, my confidence( if I have those which I ,doubt since I cant even imagine myself in another interview). I don’t really know. Its funny how hard it is for me to even answer a question I had for myself. “WHY?” Why don’t I think like a normal person, maybe my brain is dead. Why cant I find any motivation? Well, what is motivation for me anyway., why cant I think of my future? Maybe I don’t really have that in line for me. Too many questions, maybe others will think how dumb, how little , how not needed those questions are or they could just easily answer it in a few seconds or they'll just simply laugh how bullshit it sounds wondering why someone like me find it hard to answer a simple query. I don’t know. I don’t fuckin know.