10 Years

 October 3. thats your day. And its been 10 years since I last saw you, since I was able to give you a birthday card and 10 years of uncelebrated birthdays. A decade. A decade of what ifs, too many scenarios and too many questions. Im trying to imagine the supposed situaton if you were here but I cant really get a clear resolution. Maye because I  was so used to it. That I have accepted everything. That I have no chance to hope because it doesnt matter anymore, that no matter how beautiful the scene im going to create in my hsnd it wont change the fact that it was all just an illusion and it was better to leave it as it is. No imaginary scenes means no hopes raised. No more additional pain. Yes, I think thats better that way.

 

 

But what if youre still here, right now, right this moment where I am in the middle of nothing. Nothings working, its never going to be fine no matter how many times I told myself that overrated qoute. No decisions ever made, just a lot of regrets. Would you be able to understand? Will you hear my silence? Will you know that im crying silently until my throat hurts? Will you noticed how I hated myself? Will you? Maybe. Maybe not.

 

They say that people are not fortune tellers, you gotta tell them how you feel so that they can analyze, maybe they are right . but what will happen after? You cant tell if they are even interested to listen in the first place. Youll end up hoping that after you poured your heart to them they will understand but they will just nod , give you some unhelpful advice that they think will solve eveything not knowing that its just another toll on the poor soul, words that they think is nice ti hear but it was just another sugar coated phrase saying, “ youre too emotional”, “ its nothing”, “ forget about it” or sometimes it may be insensitive enough to cost you another night of overthinking.

 

Well, I wont know, the fact that I havent been able to see you as a mother to her teenage and now adult children will always be a question to me if you were the mother I wish or maybe just the same with other mothers. But remember this, I never hated you. I adored you and there was a time in my younger years that I wish youll see me as the woman you want me to be. Maybe in another life.

 

Still thank you , for those years that you were there, for letting me call you Mommy and for the little moments that I can still remember until today. I just hope that my poor memory will be able to keep it until then. Wherever you are, as they say that when people passed they can still see us, if that was true then I just want you to know that I was once happy meeting you, being with you and having moments with you.

 

If you can see me, please give me a little time, ill try my best to make you proud. Until then Mommy.

 

 

Your daughter,

Swadee

10/3/22.

 

 

Wanted: motivation

 They say motivation is the key to success. Maybe thats right but not for all of us. If someone is motivated it seems they can reach everything, they can do whatever they want and seems theyre getting closer to their dreams. It makes them happy at the end of the day.

 

 

But what if you cant find any motivation? What if everything seems so dull, gray and no reason to continue at all? Where can you get that ecstatic feeling to move forward? How will you stay and survive? Is it still okay to continue when there is no specific direction at all? Is it on someone? Somewhere?

 

This is always a question to me. And I know this is what I need.

I cant find any reason to continue anymore.

 

Its been 8 months since I quit my job. Well as you know, im not happy with everything in it. The people, the place, the job itself and everything. I don’t know what I want anymore but all I know is that I need to stop it to save myself since that familiar feeling is back again. DROWNING. I was never happy. It did give me the opportunities I need and I am thankful but its not for me. Its a whole new experience and it gives me the chance to graduate college. I will always be thankful.

 

Others loved their time, they even enjoy talking about it, they love the experience, the new friendship and even relationship but for me everything I have experienced is temporary. Because thats life.

I remember waiting for my restdays in those 4 and a half years. Just dozing off and away from everything.

As someone who gets tired of everything easily , 4 and a half is long enough and yes im always wondering, “ Did I really made It that far?”

Nothing is forever and that is a fact. Nobody can changed that for me.

What keeps me going during those years would be me wearing that back gown and earning that degree just to slap those who insulted and looked down on me. It helped in a way that I needed. And now that I already made it, there is no other goal ahead of me.

Im waking up, living and breathing because that is what is expected.

 

Funny, I can be called a NEET now. Nothing to do, just hiding and even trashy as ever acting like a parasite clinging to my hardworking sister. That is bullshit right? The fact that I don’t want to be called that way now here I am acting exactly what I have been avoiding.

 

For the past months ive been trying to find a reason, something that will push me to move forward again. To get through it. To be able to stand and have something to be proud of. But the more I try, all I want is to sleep forever, I don’t want to think about anything anymore. Maybe that is not a good thing and yes I know it. But my helpless self don’t care anymore.

I don’t want people seeing me, I don’t even want to go out and I don’t want to talk to anyone.

Heck I don’t even have the confidence to face others.

I don’t know where this is going , all my soul and body wants is a rest that could fix even half of my cracks. You might find it funny , and you might be laughing how someone like me whos not doing anything is getting tired. I don’t even know. But I want to sleep so bad, not an 8 hour sleep but longer than what almost everyone Is thinking about sleep.

 

And I want to wake up as someone that is not me.

 

 

 

                                                   -7/28/22.

FEAR

 When I was still working, back in my call centers day I always get low survey scores, so the effect would always be attending a short meeting with an English trainer since as what my supervisor say it will help me get a better result next time but of course I doubt that will happen. If you don’t know I think I’m famous enough already in the company or for those who know me either my team mates, previous supervisors, account coordinator and of course Quality Assurance specialist as the Irate agent. So in short, I always have a rebuttal especially for customers who they call “Karen” . Yes, that’s one of my toxic trait, I don’t have the patience that others have. One insult and boom! One shout and here comes the sarcasm. So yeah that’s me! Ill tell you about that some other time.

 

There’s this time, in a short meeting with the trainer which I already forgot the name, ask me some random question only instead of lecturing me the same things over and over again. Which I really like considering that its an after shift session where agents are expected as sleepy, groggy and cant definitely understand a boring throwback lecture. One of her question was “Whats your greatest fear?”

 

If your going to be ask what would be your answer. Maybe you can answer it in a few seconds right? You’ll say death, snakes or even accidents. But on that time , it seems that I was the only one who cant answer. It seems that for others the question would be like the same when someone ask you what your favorite color. But for me I found myself thinking hard, nothing comes to mind. Even my fright for snakes didn’t come to mind that time. My mind wandered more than the question ask, It didn’t answer in a way that was expected. Its really weird , it seems that the trainer might think that im an over thinker which in fact is true. As I recall, I was thinking that time what was the fear in my heart more than the most obvious one. So my answer came out like I was being interviewed in an all about life program.

 

 

“ Maybe to die without accomplishing something.” That was my answer to the question. I forgot about the trainers reaction already but after the meeting ended even I myself realized that was the time I admitted my greatest fear. I don’t fear death like most of the majority. If its meant for you to live long then good, but if its your time then you cant do anything about it. You may have heard about it already, it was an old saying from the grandmothers but I fully agree with it. Not accomplishing anything meant you haven’t served your purpose in this lifetime. You havent lived. And it seems your space in this lifetime is a waste. You can disagree with me but thats what I thought especially if you havent lived your life without relying on others. Life was given to find purpose or be full of purpose. As for me , im saying this right now but im also ashamed since I also didn’t know right now what the fuck am I doing.

-- Swadee *

3/31/22. 

CLOUDY

 

 

Today, 27^th of March 2022 1:37 in the afternoon I was ready to eat my lunch for the day. Woke up around 9 A.m., have my 3 hour breakfast so lunch is expected to be around 2 in the afternoon. Not so usual right? We a different time for that. Gloomy as the sky, my heart can relate, I mean not just today my heart is always gloomy. But unlike the weather it always has been this way, no sunny days, maybe a bit of autumn a times or a little spring. I don’t know anymore.

 

 Its been almost 3 months after I left my job but I dot have it in me to start again. Am I pathetic? I'm a loser and again I don’t know anymore. Those who quit after me already started their new career in the same field but only in another company and I'm still here trying to wrap my head in everything. I'm pretty sure they’ve been thinking how incompetent I am, irresponsible and doesn't care about a thing. I can agree with the first and the last but not the responsibility part, I don’t have any obligations so far, I'm just waiting for graduation and I have my savings for that, I don’t spend money like before when I am still employed, I don’t do online shopping anymore, and I think that is responsible enough. I know what I can only do at the moment.

 

I am incompetent maybe because I don’t have the motivation others have, that is one of the reason I can think of , or if I am to be honest I'm afraid that maybe this is really me. Maybe I am really someone who doesn't think of the future , and as much as I want to deny it, that is true. I don’t see myself in a way that others are see their self, I don’t have plans like how others planned their future in 10 or 20 years, all I have is tomorrow , months I guess when I badly want to see a movie and the trailer is out knowing that it will be months away or a concert of an artist I badly want. I sometimes laugh at myself, maybe others will say how comfortable my life is without worrying about my future, how confident I am , how secured or how carefree. But the truth is , it always makes me wonder, “ Why am I like this?” sometimes I get tired of letting myself believe in all my excuses, I pity myself, my body for having a dumb soul, lifeless, no future just no direction. Living life for this long with the mindset I have really makes me think “ Why am I even here?” Maybe I've waste my time to much, maybe this life is not meant for the soul I have.

 

Living life with no direction is exhausting, especially if you don’t have answers to your own question. As Christopher Robin said, “ Doing nothing leads to the very best something.” I surely loved that quote but maybe its not always the case . Maybe I like it since its giving me another excuse to not face the tide which is life. What a shame! I'm such a joke.

 

As the sun starts smiling right now, I'm still stuck in my cloudy world. I keep thinking these past few days that time is running and I'm getting really useless, I cant even start doing the things I want , the ideas I have before passing my resignation letter. And I totally hate me for that. Bit as usual , the loser me is still writing,  finding excuses, doing other unnecessary things , procrastinating, since that's why I do best. I don’t feel the fire to get a new job, I don’t want to try since I know its not gonna work since I'm so out of it, I will be wasting my efforts, my confidence( if I have those which I ,doubt since I cant even imagine myself in another interview). I don’t really know. Its funny how hard it is for me to even answer a question I had for myself. “WHY?” Why don’t I think like a normal person, maybe my brain is dead. Why cant I find any motivation? Well, what is motivation for me anyway., why cant I think of my future? Maybe I don’t really have that in line for me. Too many questions, maybe others will think how dumb, how little , how not needed those questions are or they could just easily answer it in a few seconds or they'll just simply laugh how bullshit it sounds wondering why someone like me find it hard to answer a simple query. I don’t know. I don’t fuckin know.

 

Quitter

 Its been 3 days since I officially quit my job but I still havent tell a single soul well except those who already knows, my former sup , my sister, and 3 other beings. Well I don’t really know. Im not worried about money right now, Ive been thinking about how to tell them but I cant even think of a way. Maybe because I didn’t know why im having a hard time spilling it. I keep asking how it was so easy for others to tell someone whatever decision they have or they have done. 4 years and a half is not a joke and for sure I am aware of it. Others might say im being impractical, well I cant argue with that since that is true. I might come out as impulsive well maybe, but Ive been thinking about it got the last few months, maybe a year ago. Im the kind that gets bored easily, I don’t socialize or what others say make many friends. I cant do that because well as ive said I lost interest. Yes, especially people. Sometimes theyre just too easy to read, one glance and youll know theyre not gonna stay for long. Like seasons. Back to quitting  my job , the plan was to wait until March, since that is the time for graduation but of course shit happens, I took it as a sign, funny and impulsive you may say but yes I did. My attitude hits back in an ugly way I don’t know how many times. Maybe because im already stuck. I dont find it worth staying for like before that I can still force myself to carry on with the job and so I quit. Loser right? You know that feeling that your earning you can buy what interest you, or if not right away I know I can save for it. My previous teammate told me that I shouldnt feel “napagiiwanan” since I sent my self to school alone at that, I have a job while others are fighting for it, I can even call my self professional and I should be proud knowing how independent I can be. But why does it feels like I still don’t have any direction? Why am I lost?

 

I quit my job in Cebu because I know I need to grow. And looking back that was one of the best decision it leads me to where I am today. Following my rejections after, I decided to go and send myself to college so one day I can proudly say I made it. So one day those rejections will no longer hurt me and those who insulted and didn’t believe will at least regret what they’ve said before. Yes, others may say that is wrong because I was aiming for revenge but for me it doesnt matter because thats what pushed me to carry on the job even if I know im not fit for it. Imagine how a person that doesnt like talking to someone shes not comfortable with, a person who doesnt say hi unless someone came to her first, a person who doesnt have enough patience to even repeat what she had said has become a call center agent for almost 5 freakin years. Well , I was going on about this because maybe I was still trying to justify the decision I made. Whats funny is I don’t even know why im explaining, why I was so hesitant to tell them and why I am still thinking what others may think.  One thing im sure is I wont regret it, It might have come early than planned but I know this is what I want. And you know whats stupid about it, I always convince myself and I even gave advice not to think what other people say but in the end im always the one getting slap by it, I came to realize that ive always been thinking about the disappointment that I will hear or maybe see. Why is it always hard to do what you want and just let the others fuck off? Why?

 

 

 

By Swadee . 1/16/22

How to Dream?

  

Have you ever asked about your purpose in this lifetime? Well I always asked myself about that. Maybe because I really don’t have a very clear idea why I’m here. Others at my age always have this idea of what they really want in the future, it might be being a nurse or a doctor or sometimes an engineer or a teacher. It feels like I was still in the middle of nowhere thinking what would be the next step, still doubting the possibilities if I choose to remain standing on where I am located or go left or right. Or maybe begin to wander and take the chance to discover myself If I go on. It feels like I don’t really have any direction at all.

 

I was thinking that maybe if I have a more privileged environment, just maybe I could grasp this dream I would really want. Living independently and getting a job to live is also a bribed to forget that dream. But on my case I don’t really care at first because in the first place I don’t have this so called dream. When I was young I actually could remember that I used to play as a teacher I still have this little notebook where I wrote all the imaginary student’s name and put some scores to record pretending its my class record. When I was growing up I realize I don’t want to be a teacher anymore, well, maybe because I’m already aware of what there job is or maybe teaching and being with these kids is really not my thing. To be honest, I’m really not into kids or children and especially babies. I was so bad back then that we always bullied our 2 cousins. I’m also not a fan of babies like almost all the people because they actually annoy the hell out of me. They’re so loud and you need to be with them always. In my entire life , I have never held a baby.

 

Back to the purpose thing, when I was in elementary I would always like to write short stories and I keep on doing that until early years in high school. I still have this story I started writing when I was 15 and it was still in chapter 2. I always hate myself because I know I wanted to finish it but I wasn’t able to. It was still my dream since then and I still wanted to do it until now. I’ve had a few stories in my mind and I really wanted my thoughts and idea came to life or put it in a paper. I’ve had multiple stories in my old notebooks waiting to be completed. And then again it drew up this question, “ Is this really want I want?” if Yes then why cant I even find the drive to proceed.

 

I can’t exactly figured out the reason that I cant even continue doing what I really want. I’m actually lost and I hate my self for being dumb and not being able to do anything. I was in the middle of my lifetime and it would be too late for me not to figure out what will I do with my life. For damned sake I’m not a teenager anymore. it actually occurs to me that your status also plays a big part on your dreams or figuring out how you want your life to be. Have you seen rich and more privileged people can get exactly what they want. They have this is so called power to be more driven. For an instance a rich kid wants to sing, the parents would immediately find a good workshop place to enhance the child’s voice even though it’s not that good compared to a child in the province. The parents of that child would often tell them to focus on something that can help in the future like finding a job that can support them and immediately that dream will soon fade out and the child will only sing in the bathroom. See? It was also heartbreaking that on the future that rich child will be seen in rehab. People like us who is not so privileged in this life needs to focus on the things like finding a living to survive and soon setting aside what we want. But I’m not making it an excuse that we are not rich that we cant get our dream I was just hoping it would be great if all these people have the chance to be guided accordingly on what they really want. It would be great if we can fly towards our destination without minding what will happen tomorrow.

 

I don’t want to put a limitation on dreams. I think it would be perfect to dream as much as you want because there is also a million possibilities that awaits. I have this crazy dream of travelling the world ever since I was young. It would be nice to fall in love with different places and culture. Meeting people in different countries would be amazing too and of course getting to taste all the good food the globe can offer. For now, I will also work hard to finish this dream that I started. After graduating I can figure out what to do with the degree I’ve got. They asked me before, “ What’s your goal?” and I replied, “ I want to be the boss of myself.” And I think I can do it this time.

 

 

--- S W A D E E x.x ***  10/14/19