If Wishes do really come true

 hi there. nevermind. im 99 % sure no one is reading this shit but just in case. 

Tomorrow is the last day of the current year. Still me. Pathetic, unemployed still not a risk taker obviously and almost out of confidence. If only i knew that this is how my life will turn out i would have been a cloud or something just to avoid being human. And yes, btw i still dont like my own kind. 

so, the year is ending, no record breaking changes for me and about less than 48 hours to new year here i am feeling my heart hurts. Literally. Why do people make bad stupid decisions and find something or someone to blame? Humans have the heart and especially the brain to know exactly what they were doing and the decisions theyre making. in short they knew right from wrong. its just bullshit why they still choose to trampled on others, be stupid enough that i want to end them even of we were blood related. i hate them . They make matters worst and blame you in everything. Like what the hell? Suck it up asshole its you and your stupid ass decision. 

I always hate to be blame by something i didnt do. Especially if i know that i already made or did my part. Why would they blame the world if they're the one putting theirselves in such bullshit situations? Theyve got brains but theyre surely a big idiot. And i dont care about that toxic culture, "No matter what happens, your family." I dont give a damn People should stop tolerating someone just because you belong to the same fucking family tree. If you choose to commit something that can hurt someone and is obviously a big type of stupidity then i hate you no matter who you are, and dont blame me or put some salt on me, trying to play the fucking victim. It wont work on me. When i hate you, i hate you. Yes thats me. I am horrible. At least i refuse to be taken advantage.

Occasions like this are always celebrated in this country or to almost all of my kind. But there might be something in this fuck up life of mine that every time there is something to be celebrated i always ends up getting frustrated and just want to forget everything and sleep and never wake up. Every freaking time. Birthday. Christmas. New year or even  on days i thought might be different from all the days.

As i said if i will be given a chance to leave everything behind i would definitely do it. Forget everything and hope that my dogs will be safe. Even if im no longer there.

IF WISHES DO REALLY COME TRUE and if there is really someone who can hear it. Please i dont want this same pain in my next life. 

The Joker

 Have you ever tell a joke and look bad because of it? Even if you just do it because they make fun of you first? We are trapped in a fucking society where we always “need to respect” the elders? But I think their should be exceptions for that “rule”. Not because your younger you cant defend yourself against then and not because they’re older they can make fun of you always and just shrug about it like its the most normal thing to do.

 

 Its fucked up that they can insult or humiliate you like you have given them a right to do so, and have their own fun and expect you to be okay with all of it.Just one word from you and they’ll look at you like your the most awful thing they’ve seen. They consider your little joke as something that shouldnt been said in the first place. Your actions will be calculated by the judges living in their eyes. They want to have their own laugh and you are the subject, which is so fucked up, no one has the right to do that. They want to laugh their asses off yet they wont let you have even a small chuckle. When in fact, your joke was only a little better than the corniest joke they might have heard, no one will ever get insulted, hurt or humiliated since you knew yourself it will take a toll on you. Thats not the case for them. They just don’t care at all.

 

 You can no longer count the times their “jokes” humiliated , bruised your ego, dissipate your hard earned confidence and as someone as kind as you are you cant even disrespect them. You never knew that coming up with a rebuttal that is nothing compared to the humor they have, to only counter that joke who scarred you again would be a big deal. Who knows that this is so hard?

Why are laughs seems so expensive?

 Why ca someone afford it while I cant?

 Why is it so hard to tell them its not funny anymore?

Why is it so hard to let them stop?

I, have never thought that adults can be like that?it seems my own expectations hurt me again.

 

That joke was clearly on me.

 

How I wish its not this difficult to laugh.

FRIENDS???

 

Do you ever know someone who will send you a message just to use “you” , your name just for their own benefit? If you have encountered these kind of people then I can definitely relate. The reason why  their parents don’t trust them anymore is them. Breaking someone’s trust is always the worst , especially when its your parents, but of course it is happening outside the homes too, everyone can experience this, either you can break someone's trust or you’ll lost the trust you have for them, its just that it always comes to worst on parents. Well, I cant 100 % relate, since we are not that open with each other and it was a long time since I lived with them but still I can imagine it, and I know I wouldn't want it if ever that the situation is different with my situation right now but yes , I have my tiny share too, I remember going home drunk when I was 16. Back when my mother is still with us. You'll get reprimanded and they will look at you not the same way before. Right?

 

There are those who have broken their parents trust not just once but about a dozen times already and still act like they’re being bullied by their parents, or maybe act like the situation is not getting better and will always say that maybe they just don’t have luck with the kind of parents they have. And that's really one hell of bullshit to take. I just cant take it. You’re lucky enough if your parents are still with you, might be living in the same house or just simply being alive even if they're old and cant carry you in their arms anymore.

Anime: The Genius Prince Guide to Raising a Nation Out if Debt

For those who still have this privilege , you are lucky and you should treasure it as much as you’re heart can hold.

 

Making a mistake is normal, we should learn from it and put it behind our back after not do it again and again. Doing it again is being stupid and you know it but you’re still providing excuses to justify it. Worst is, someone can just lie easily to get what they want even compromising their parents trust that is already broken. Imagine a broken thing getting smashed again? Is it hard to at least forget about nonsense whims? For your mother. And you want someone to cover up for you? You want someone to lie for you and fool your mother? She didn’t even judge you after what happened? After you left here heart broken and her mind wary of worrying over you while you are flirting with a guy whose not even worthy? Did she judge you? No. Did she kick you out? No. She still supported you and even pay your tuition fee, even after lying that you enrolled in that semester when in fact all you did was waste her money , helped you when you decided to quit your job and was still even their when you got another job. SHE IS STILL THERE. AND WILL ALWAYS BE THERE. And you know what? That's what I envy about you, you have a very strong woman beside you. Even when I'm visiting often but I can feel her care and her vast understanding. But I don’t understand why you can lie to her that easily? Why do you keep repeating the same mistakes?

 

And don’t regret saying NO to any request especially if that will hurt someone who doesn’t deserve the pain. I wont lie to the old woman to cover for you, first, she doesn’t deserve to be fooled and second, I don't think you treated me as a friend more like someone that you can used whenever you can. I will always say NO since its clear as day that you’re just using me. I hope one day you'll see how hard it is for her getting lied to by her own daughter. How she keeps her disappointments to herself to avoid hurting you. She's always smiling wanting the best for you. How can you be awful?

 

To someone out there, if ever you feel that somebody is using you for their own convenience don’t be afraid to say NO. Nobody has the right to make someone their doormat and no parents or someone who is capable of love deserve to get hurt. Don’t be afraid to walk away especially if that can help someone keep their smile. Stop wasting your time on someone who only remembers to call you if ever they need someone to do their dirty tricks. Someone who will made you lie to her mother so she can meet up with her friends and just leave you alone like you don’t matter? Wake up and don’t be afraid to lose someone along the way, its always the best who stays.

 

 

-- Swadee x.x

3/18/22. 

HUMANS AND DEMON LORDS

                        Anime: Standing on A Million Lives

I hate humans. Yeah, you’re laughing, thinking im condemning my own race. But did you ever wonder why? Am I the only one? Have you watched an anime series where its all about the hero-church people-versus-demon lords fighting? And have you thought about why they want to exterminate the human race? You might say that I watched too much animes or read enough mangas or stories. I can consider myself a mid-level otaku, minus the cosplay and everything that is customized. Im collecting merch and im inlove with a lot of fictional characters. Back to what I was saying, demon lords don’t just hate humans, they always have a reason. It might not still be able to justify their actions but you cant blame them and I believe that all this reason can actually be the same with the real life except demon lords don’t exist only unfortunate souls. Betrayal always comes first, then discrimination. This happens not only in animes or novels or movies, I think you might have come across with it already. Didn’t you?

 

Humans not only betrayed their own kind, they can abandon their pets, they can even shatter someone else dream as long as they can pull their selves up. Imagine being abandoned without knowing the reason, waiting for a return that is unsure. Humans are greedy, not contented with the success they have turning to yearning of perfection, always acts superior even with nature acting like they don’t care but when karma strikes they usually just find something to blame. They need to accept that the universe can just easily crush them, instead all they do is act high and mighty developing something that is not really necessary. Yes, I hate my own kind. Call me anything but thats what I felt, I don’t know if were the same but think about it. Imagine someone who will all act goody and nice just because they need something from you and because they know your the best candidate to help save their ass out. Being considerate and providing the help I can, giving advice, instructions and even examples when in fact those assholes just want you do all the job instead. They couldve told me that they want to sleep and let you do all the hussle. I hate it. I liked those who are aware that theyre being used and can confidently decline, you don’t need to feel guilty you did great and its for you, you dont need to have those heavy feelings , turning down someone who is capable for something that theyre asking for is not a crime, you need to go away if need just to avoid those who wants to treat you low. Youre not someones doormat. They need to know how to put effort, ransack their brain for that fuckin research paper, they need to know their place, its not okay just to say “OKAY” everytime. They are always the ones with all these dramas about how hard when in fact all they do is spend their time on TikTok feeling all that sad girl vibe. Fuck! They don’t even know how hard it is to earn for the daily expenses and rent and tuition fees and now theyre acting so low when in fact its her mother paying for her school fees, I cant even imagine how bullshit it is to have your mother worried about you and their you are wasting her money chasing some guy that not even worth it. Well, I don’t care just don’t involve me in any of your dramas ,I don’t give a fuck ,im just concerned about your mother. Why cant they realize theyre being unfair?

 

They cant even understand your silence and here you are listening to their late nights play. Im not asking for anything in return God knows that just a little bit of common sense for them to know that they need to be sensitive. And bear in mind , that its okay to cut them off. Permanently.

 

-- Swadee-

3/3/22.