Wanted: motivation

 They say motivation is the key to success. Maybe thats right but not for all of us. If someone is motivated it seems they can reach everything, they can do whatever they want and seems theyre getting closer to their dreams. It makes them happy at the end of the day.

 

 

But what if you cant find any motivation? What if everything seems so dull, gray and no reason to continue at all? Where can you get that ecstatic feeling to move forward? How will you stay and survive? Is it still okay to continue when there is no specific direction at all? Is it on someone? Somewhere?

 

This is always a question to me. And I know this is what I need.

I cant find any reason to continue anymore.

 

Its been 8 months since I quit my job. Well as you know, im not happy with everything in it. The people, the place, the job itself and everything. I don’t know what I want anymore but all I know is that I need to stop it to save myself since that familiar feeling is back again. DROWNING. I was never happy. It did give me the opportunities I need and I am thankful but its not for me. Its a whole new experience and it gives me the chance to graduate college. I will always be thankful.

 

Others loved their time, they even enjoy talking about it, they love the experience, the new friendship and even relationship but for me everything I have experienced is temporary. Because thats life.

I remember waiting for my restdays in those 4 and a half years. Just dozing off and away from everything.

As someone who gets tired of everything easily , 4 and a half is long enough and yes im always wondering, “ Did I really made It that far?”

Nothing is forever and that is a fact. Nobody can changed that for me.

What keeps me going during those years would be me wearing that back gown and earning that degree just to slap those who insulted and looked down on me. It helped in a way that I needed. And now that I already made it, there is no other goal ahead of me.

Im waking up, living and breathing because that is what is expected.

 

Funny, I can be called a NEET now. Nothing to do, just hiding and even trashy as ever acting like a parasite clinging to my hardworking sister. That is bullshit right? The fact that I don’t want to be called that way now here I am acting exactly what I have been avoiding.

 

For the past months ive been trying to find a reason, something that will push me to move forward again. To get through it. To be able to stand and have something to be proud of. But the more I try, all I want is to sleep forever, I don’t want to think about anything anymore. Maybe that is not a good thing and yes I know it. But my helpless self don’t care anymore.

I don’t want people seeing me, I don’t even want to go out and I don’t want to talk to anyone.

Heck I don’t even have the confidence to face others.

I don’t know where this is going , all my soul and body wants is a rest that could fix even half of my cracks. You might find it funny , and you might be laughing how someone like me whos not doing anything is getting tired. I don’t even know. But I want to sleep so bad, not an 8 hour sleep but longer than what almost everyone Is thinking about sleep.

 

And I want to wake up as someone that is not me.

 

 

 

                                                   -7/28/22.

DROWNING

I think im drowning. This feeling has always been here. I don’t even remember when it started, sometimes I can feel that its in my head, or sometimes just somewhere near or lurking in the shadows. All I know is im craving for air to breath or a hand that will pull me up when im almost reaching the bottom. And the truth is, I only knew it when I can no longer breath it seems that I always notice it too late. In the middle of nowhere or in between solitude.

 

Im not good at handling things, decisions , problems, company or any inf=d of relationships, may it be romantic or platonic. I always get tired. So easily. Always finding things boring or even lifeless, and I know I need to go because its eating me up.and worst, every time I always lost a part of myself, my confidence, my directions , and self esteem. And I always catch my breath trying to find the air and the light. Thats when I know im drowning. Again.

 

Memories tends to perished, its seems to be that its made only to be enjoyed once and the rest would be stardust. Feelings would be a once in a lifetime luxury, a minute of euphoria and it would be nice to capture it like what others do but it seems that I don’t have the privileige. For me its just a tick of the clock or I can put it like a stopwatch, maybe given a minute or just a few seconds only. So I need to enjoy it while its happening. Is it to bad to get a piece to be kept? Sometimes its an advantage but not all the time. If only I could select what to keep and what to lose. And I turn out to be pathetic with no feelings or even memories to say I live.

 

Imagine the feeling of wanting something so bad, feeling the love towards something and then find out that you don’t want it anymore. Im not spoiled, oh how I wish I was, but that feeling that you’re getting tired of something you though you like is simply absurd that I want to curse myself. Why do I always wants to run away and not mind anything.I cant find the finish line.

 

A few months ago, that damn feelings of being out of breath is pulling me too hard unlike the previous cases so I decided to take a leap not minding how high or what could be the possible damage after I fall. I quit. I escaped. Im tired. They don’t understand how I badly wanted to breath. Im incompetent in their eyes but they don’t know much I want to hide. Maybe im wasting time, would it be bad if I know I needed this? I need to jump to break free from that feeling before I totally disappear. And I know I wont regret it. Shitty as I am , I still feel restless, awful and pathetic. What do I really want? How can someone understand if I don’t even fucking understand me and myself. Now im starting to frown again without any direction and no where to hold.

 

I thought I already escape the trigger of this feelings but theyre always everywhere. They are here. Running away by quitting my job to avoid the stress and the toxic work environment because it also is one of the triggers. But why does anxiety never goes away? Why do I feel like the tide is washing me away from the shore? Maybe because I took over thinking as my favorite hobby but what I can do? I tried some ways to avoid it but it keeps on hunting me. I don’t know. Its getting worse and worse. I don’t know. I can even think of even a half ass reason why.

 

Maybe because this time I don’t have a goal in mind. Im almost dine with school all I need is to process everything for graduation. I did before since I know thats the best revenge for those who threw insults at me. A diploma. Maybe they wont treat me as little as before. But now since its done all I want is to sleep. Im tired. And im not literally not doing anything.maybe because my soul is tired.

 

 

--- Swadee **

4/3/22.I think im drowning. This feeling has always been here. I don’t even remember when it started, sometimes I can feel that its in my head, or sometimes just somewhere near or lurking in the shadows. All I know is im craving for air to breath or a hand that will pull me up when im almost reaching the bottom. And the truth is, I only knew it when I can no longer breath it seems that I always notice it too late. In the middle of nowhere or in between solitude.

 

Im not good at handling things, decisions , problems, company or any inf=d of relationships, may it be romantic or platonic. I always get tired. So easily. Always finding things boring or even lifeless, and I know I need to go because its eating me up.and worst, every time I always lost a part of myself, my confidence, my directions , and self esteem. And I always catch my breath trying to find the air and the light. Thats when I know im drowning. Again.

 

Memories tends to perished, its seems to be that its made only to be enjoyed once and the rest would be stardust. Feelings would be a once in a lifetime luxury, a minute of euphoria and it would be nice to capture it like what others do but it seems that I don’t have the privilege. For me its just a tick of the clock or I can put it like a stopwatch, maybe given a minute or just a few seconds only. So I need to enjoy it while its happening. Is it to bad to get a piece to be kept? Sometimes its an advantage but not all the time. If only I could select what to keep and what to lose. And I turn out to be pathetic with no feelings or even memories to say I live.

 

Imagine the feeling of wanting something so bad, feeling the love towards something and then find out that you don’t want it anymore. Im not spoiled, oh how I wish I was, but that feeling that you’re getting tired of something you though you like is simply absurd that I want to curse myself. Why do I always wants to run away and not mind anything.I cant find the finish line.

 

A few months ago, that damn feelings of being out of breath is pulling me too hard unlike the previous cases so I decided to take a leap not minding how high or what could be the possible damage after I fall. I quit. I escaped. Im tired. They don’t understand how I badly wanted to breath. Im incompetent in their eyes but they don’t know much I want to hide. Maybe im wasting time, would it be bad if I know I needed this? I need to jump to break free from that feeling before I totally disappear. And I know I wont regret it. Shitty as I am , I still feel restless, awful and pathetic. What do I really want? How can someone understand if I don’t even fucking understand me and myself. Now im starting to frown again without any direction and no where to hold.

 

I thought I already escape the trigger of this feelings but theyre always everywhere. They are here. Running away by quitting my job to avoid the stress and the toxic work environment because it also is one of the triggers. But why does anxiety never goes away? Why do I feel like the tide is washing me away from the shore? Maybe because I took over thinking as my favorite hobby but what I can do? I tried some ways to avoid it but it keeps on hunting me. I don’t know. Its getting worse and worse. I don’t know. I can even think of even a half ass reason why.

 

Maybe because this time I don’t have a goal in mind. Im almost dine with school all I need is to process everything for graduation. I did before since I know thats the best revenge for those who threw insults at me. A diploma. Maybe they wont treat me as little as before. But now since its done all I want is to sleep. Im tired. And im not literally not doing anything,.maybe because my soul is tired.

 

 

--- Swadee **

4/3/22.

FRIENDS???

 

Do you ever know someone who will send you a message just to use “you” , your name just for their own benefit? If you have encountered these kind of people then I can definitely relate. The reason why  their parents don’t trust them anymore is them. Breaking someone’s trust is always the worst , especially when its your parents, but of course it is happening outside the homes too, everyone can experience this, either you can break someone's trust or you’ll lost the trust you have for them, its just that it always comes to worst on parents. Well, I cant 100 % relate, since we are not that open with each other and it was a long time since I lived with them but still I can imagine it, and I know I wouldn't want it if ever that the situation is different with my situation right now but yes , I have my tiny share too, I remember going home drunk when I was 16. Back when my mother is still with us. You'll get reprimanded and they will look at you not the same way before. Right?

 

There are those who have broken their parents trust not just once but about a dozen times already and still act like they’re being bullied by their parents, or maybe act like the situation is not getting better and will always say that maybe they just don’t have luck with the kind of parents they have. And that's really one hell of bullshit to take. I just cant take it. You’re lucky enough if your parents are still with you, might be living in the same house or just simply being alive even if they're old and cant carry you in their arms anymore.

Anime: The Genius Prince Guide to Raising a Nation Out if Debt

For those who still have this privilege , you are lucky and you should treasure it as much as you’re heart can hold.

 

Making a mistake is normal, we should learn from it and put it behind our back after not do it again and again. Doing it again is being stupid and you know it but you’re still providing excuses to justify it. Worst is, someone can just lie easily to get what they want even compromising their parents trust that is already broken. Imagine a broken thing getting smashed again? Is it hard to at least forget about nonsense whims? For your mother. And you want someone to cover up for you? You want someone to lie for you and fool your mother? She didn’t even judge you after what happened? After you left here heart broken and her mind wary of worrying over you while you are flirting with a guy whose not even worthy? Did she judge you? No. Did she kick you out? No. She still supported you and even pay your tuition fee, even after lying that you enrolled in that semester when in fact all you did was waste her money , helped you when you decided to quit your job and was still even their when you got another job. SHE IS STILL THERE. AND WILL ALWAYS BE THERE. And you know what? That's what I envy about you, you have a very strong woman beside you. Even when I'm visiting often but I can feel her care and her vast understanding. But I don’t understand why you can lie to her that easily? Why do you keep repeating the same mistakes?

 

And don’t regret saying NO to any request especially if that will hurt someone who doesn’t deserve the pain. I wont lie to the old woman to cover for you, first, she doesn’t deserve to be fooled and second, I don't think you treated me as a friend more like someone that you can used whenever you can. I will always say NO since its clear as day that you’re just using me. I hope one day you'll see how hard it is for her getting lied to by her own daughter. How she keeps her disappointments to herself to avoid hurting you. She's always smiling wanting the best for you. How can you be awful?

 

To someone out there, if ever you feel that somebody is using you for their own convenience don’t be afraid to say NO. Nobody has the right to make someone their doormat and no parents or someone who is capable of love deserve to get hurt. Don’t be afraid to walk away especially if that can help someone keep their smile. Stop wasting your time on someone who only remembers to call you if ever they need someone to do their dirty tricks. Someone who will made you lie to her mother so she can meet up with her friends and just leave you alone like you don’t matter? Wake up and don’t be afraid to lose someone along the way, its always the best who stays.

 

 

-- Swadee x.x

3/18/22. 

LOVE YOURSELF FIRST

 I’ve choose to be alone because I know that I can save my heart in doing so. Being in a place where there is a lot of crowd doesn’t guarantee that it will truly make you happy. Being with yourself helps you know how you can be better without the help of others. For others, it may sound dumb but for me its the best way to be yourself. We all deserve to be loved but first we must also learn and never forget to love our self first.

 

There is nothing wrong in putting our self first. As long as were not hurting anyone and as long as you know in yourself that you deserve that treatment. We can love someone or something but we must not compromise the love that we can give to ourselves. They say, “LOVE is the most beautiful and important discovery.” Well I may say that I can agree with that. It would be more beautiful if we can find it in the right place, right time and especially with the right person.

 

They say that in order for you to find that someone you must also find a way and not just wait for it since they believe that you cant find it if you’re not putting any efforts on finding it. Well for me, you must trust GOD’S timing and it will be more beautiful. After destiny brought you to where you’re supposed to be then you can do your part and do everything to keep it. But then again we must remember to love our self first. Don’t be afraid if love fails ,it happens for a reason. If you know your worth then surely you can find that certain person God has reserved for you. Don’t be in a hurry, the perfect love story takes time.

 

Fall in love with someone who sees you soul. Someone who makes you smile not just make you laugh.I’ve read somewhere to fall in love with a soul not just the body which I surely would give a thumbs up. It would be amazing to meet that person who can see right through you without giving a hint or some words. That person who actually can see right through your very own soul. Its like memorizing the shades of your eyes and analyzing what mood you are in. It might be bored , sleepy , frustrated or just plain stupid sometimes.I would surely be glad and excited to meet that person.

 

Well of course, I also believed that you can actually get this bliss alone. Like enjoying your favorite ice cream in your favorite place, drinking your coffee in one the new coffee shop in town or might be falling in love with the sound of the rain even when sometimes you actually hate it. But my favorite is of course crying my eyes out when watching a sad movie. Well that may include every movies with dogs being the hero and on every tear-jerking movie about young love and tragic ending which I honestly love. And never forget a romantic anime movie which shatter your heart and break your soul.

 

That just some of the few things that others actually missed out due to being absorbed by the cruel world. Others begged for love when the truth is they know in their selves that they are more. They always tired their hearts out and always forget to water their soul. They always wait for that infamous knight in shining armor who will actually swept them off their feet when the truth is that fictional prince is out there just waiting for some damsel in distress to fall over their feet. Yes Dear, the world is unfair and it will always be. Remember Scar?

 

It would be great if love often comes in an easy way however that would be really boring. Just try to dance inside your room in the music inside your head. Experiment with your hairstyle but don’t go too far or maybe try burning your house down by trying to get your masterpiece straight from the oven in a form of your favorite chocolate chip cookie which you already tried a hundred times baking but doesn’t always looks like a cookie. Or maybe just try to focus on getting those goals first pasted on your wall. Then maybe, I’m damn sure that you will now exactly know how priceless you are and no one can measure your worth because you knew from the start that your one of a kind and you will be always worth it. There’s nothing in loving and putting yourself first especially if you know it would be for the best. Well, I believe in what Maleficent says,” Love doesn’t always ends well.” If that happens you still have yourself, SCRATCHED but still BEAUTIFUL. <3

 

 

-- S W A D E E x.x ***

Written on 10/14/19.