The Joker

 Have you ever tell a joke and look bad because of it? Even if you just do it because they make fun of you first? We are trapped in a fucking society where we always “need to respect” the elders? But I think their should be exceptions for that “rule”. Not because your younger you cant defend yourself against then and not because they’re older they can make fun of you always and just shrug about it like its the most normal thing to do.

 

 Its fucked up that they can insult or humiliate you like you have given them a right to do so, and have their own fun and expect you to be okay with all of it.Just one word from you and they’ll look at you like your the most awful thing they’ve seen. They consider your little joke as something that shouldnt been said in the first place. Your actions will be calculated by the judges living in their eyes. They want to have their own laugh and you are the subject, which is so fucked up, no one has the right to do that. They want to laugh their asses off yet they wont let you have even a small chuckle. When in fact, your joke was only a little better than the corniest joke they might have heard, no one will ever get insulted, hurt or humiliated since you knew yourself it will take a toll on you. Thats not the case for them. They just don’t care at all.

 

 You can no longer count the times their “jokes” humiliated , bruised your ego, dissipate your hard earned confidence and as someone as kind as you are you cant even disrespect them. You never knew that coming up with a rebuttal that is nothing compared to the humor they have, to only counter that joke who scarred you again would be a big deal. Who knows that this is so hard?

Why are laughs seems so expensive?

 Why ca someone afford it while I cant?

 Why is it so hard to tell them its not funny anymore?

Why is it so hard to let them stop?

I, have never thought that adults can be like that?it seems my own expectations hurt me again.

 

That joke was clearly on me.

 

How I wish its not this difficult to laugh.

Confrontations are Hard for Introverts

  

It’s funny how we always end doing the things were trying to avoid. I always have this mantra that if someone feels bad about something especially if it involves a certain person, that someone should tell the person what's wrong about them instead of ghosting or ignoring the person. You know what's funnier? I'm not that braved. I really, really want to do a confrontation especially if the situation is getting worse but In the end I always wait for things to go on their own. Loser right? It was terrible and I exactly know the feeling as well if a certain person totally ignores without telling or giving a hint on what's wrong. But maybe there are things that are better to be left unsaid. I know now and I perfectly understand why others are struggling to tell someone how irritating they are or how much they hate a certain person. And I also know how empty someone can feel if somebody starts ignoring them like strangers in a cross roads. I actually don’t like that scenario because for me it would have a big and negative impact how you see yourself. As for me, it always makes me think that I’m not good enough and I might be too insensitive and that I might be too cruel with someone.

 

The feeling that I have right at this moment can be compared to big fat hypocrite. I cant find the courage to tell her how I end up not greeting her on the hallway, how I stop liking her post and how I fast I turn around when she's on the way. Well maybe because they might think that I’m overacting because for her it might be a joke but for me it looks like she crossed the line there. Well this is so not me. I don’t defend a colleague and I don’t get angry because of a certain person its just that the joke went too far and I don’t like it even though the insulted ass is not me but it particularly refers on how choose people around me and I don’t like it. So I ignored the bitch and maybe she noticed since after a few days she approached me. And that’s the time I felt how it is for those who suddenly shuts off others. Maybe its about the timing, I don’t feel the urge of confronting her but it doesn’t mean that I wont. But now, she completely ignores me as well. And I’m not me if I will be the one who’ll chase after these. So let it be.

 

I’m still proud how I suddenly notice that this is not what I believe in. But maybe we really cant tell unless where on the same shoes they were in. I don’t know how it goes but yeah maybe we can figure it out. As for me, I don’t actually give a damn since I feel like I have the right to still feel that way because in the first place I was insulted and worst it makes me feel that someone always have the right to criticize my choices. I’m a liar if I will deny that I don’t judge others but at least I know when to shut my mouth off.

 

 

 

                           ~~ Swadee x_x `]

 

 

2/5/2020.