Wednesday

 Kids are always asked what will they want to be when theyre older. What would be their dream job. Their goals. We all became kids at some point. Once. Others were lucky while of course there those who just wants to get old right away. Well for me, there are memories I would like to keep but I cant say I love my childhood wholeheartedly. I have some traumatizing experiences and unfortunately unlike some other kids that eventually forgot about that part of their lives I just cant. I have a very poor memory but heavy things and memories have the power to stay. I don’t know if its a curse or maybe I should be thankful about it. After all vengeance, hatred are what motivates me.

 

 

Most girls want to be successful, pretty and famous when they grow up. Well I want success but nothing else. This is me, someone who doesnt have the luxury to dream of how should I treat my skin or what make up and dresses are in. Im not that kind of girl. And im glad im different.

They may want to be miss Universe or a muse or some talented popstar. But all I can remember when I was at that age was how to become rich and travel the world.

 

So while others dreamt of that disney life or be taylor swift here I am wanting to be Wednesday Addams.

 

I first watched that weird family in an animated series, and I know instantly that they will be my favorite family. No human dramas. Which I like, and Wednesday will always be my favorite girl. Alone, fierce, savage and doesnt like humans. Well the only difference is, I love animals and she don’t.

 

Morbid thoughts, that was how bright minds work for me. No unnecessary drama. Far from living from that candy coated world others like to live in, not optimistic enough to ruin my day.

 

But of course, everyone can never be the same, even if we can compare ourselves to a fictional character. Wednesday has the confidence I don’t have. I don’t like myself. She can be so smart that its scary but im not. Yes I can be frank at times only, she has the talent to always speak her mind in everything and every situation and I often kept it to myself.

 

Im not afraid to be alone and im proud of that but it would be great if I have the power to seek justice for myself. Im not afraid of the dark , I find comfort in it. But I don’t have any special talents I can be proud of. Maybe except for being irritatingly socially awkward that I wanted to punch myself every time. I wish I could be more prouder.

 

 

10 Years

 October 3. thats your day. And its been 10 years since I last saw you, since I was able to give you a birthday card and 10 years of uncelebrated birthdays. A decade. A decade of what ifs, too many scenarios and too many questions. Im trying to imagine the supposed situaton if you were here but I cant really get a clear resolution. Maye because I  was so used to it. That I have accepted everything. That I have no chance to hope because it doesnt matter anymore, that no matter how beautiful the scene im going to create in my hsnd it wont change the fact that it was all just an illusion and it was better to leave it as it is. No imaginary scenes means no hopes raised. No more additional pain. Yes, I think thats better that way.

 

 

But what if youre still here, right now, right this moment where I am in the middle of nothing. Nothings working, its never going to be fine no matter how many times I told myself that overrated qoute. No decisions ever made, just a lot of regrets. Would you be able to understand? Will you hear my silence? Will you know that im crying silently until my throat hurts? Will you noticed how I hated myself? Will you? Maybe. Maybe not.

 

They say that people are not fortune tellers, you gotta tell them how you feel so that they can analyze, maybe they are right . but what will happen after? You cant tell if they are even interested to listen in the first place. Youll end up hoping that after you poured your heart to them they will understand but they will just nod , give you some unhelpful advice that they think will solve eveything not knowing that its just another toll on the poor soul, words that they think is nice ti hear but it was just another sugar coated phrase saying, “ youre too emotional”, “ its nothing”, “ forget about it” or sometimes it may be insensitive enough to cost you another night of overthinking.

 

Well, I wont know, the fact that I havent been able to see you as a mother to her teenage and now adult children will always be a question to me if you were the mother I wish or maybe just the same with other mothers. But remember this, I never hated you. I adored you and there was a time in my younger years that I wish youll see me as the woman you want me to be. Maybe in another life.

 

Still thank you , for those years that you were there, for letting me call you Mommy and for the little moments that I can still remember until today. I just hope that my poor memory will be able to keep it until then. Wherever you are, as they say that when people passed they can still see us, if that was true then I just want you to know that I was once happy meeting you, being with you and having moments with you.

 

If you can see me, please give me a little time, ill try my best to make you proud. Until then Mommy.

 

 

Your daughter,

Swadee

10/3/22.