10 Years

 October 3. thats your day. And its been 10 years since I last saw you, since I was able to give you a birthday card and 10 years of uncelebrated birthdays. A decade. A decade of what ifs, too many scenarios and too many questions. Im trying to imagine the supposed situaton if you were here but I cant really get a clear resolution. Maye because I  was so used to it. That I have accepted everything. That I have no chance to hope because it doesnt matter anymore, that no matter how beautiful the scene im going to create in my hsnd it wont change the fact that it was all just an illusion and it was better to leave it as it is. No imaginary scenes means no hopes raised. No more additional pain. Yes, I think thats better that way.

 

 

But what if youre still here, right now, right this moment where I am in the middle of nothing. Nothings working, its never going to be fine no matter how many times I told myself that overrated qoute. No decisions ever made, just a lot of regrets. Would you be able to understand? Will you hear my silence? Will you know that im crying silently until my throat hurts? Will you noticed how I hated myself? Will you? Maybe. Maybe not.

 

They say that people are not fortune tellers, you gotta tell them how you feel so that they can analyze, maybe they are right . but what will happen after? You cant tell if they are even interested to listen in the first place. Youll end up hoping that after you poured your heart to them they will understand but they will just nod , give you some unhelpful advice that they think will solve eveything not knowing that its just another toll on the poor soul, words that they think is nice ti hear but it was just another sugar coated phrase saying, “ youre too emotional”, “ its nothing”, “ forget about it” or sometimes it may be insensitive enough to cost you another night of overthinking.

 

Well, I wont know, the fact that I havent been able to see you as a mother to her teenage and now adult children will always be a question to me if you were the mother I wish or maybe just the same with other mothers. But remember this, I never hated you. I adored you and there was a time in my younger years that I wish youll see me as the woman you want me to be. Maybe in another life.

 

Still thank you , for those years that you were there, for letting me call you Mommy and for the little moments that I can still remember until today. I just hope that my poor memory will be able to keep it until then. Wherever you are, as they say that when people passed they can still see us, if that was true then I just want you to know that I was once happy meeting you, being with you and having moments with you.

 

If you can see me, please give me a little time, ill try my best to make you proud. Until then Mommy.

 

 

Your daughter,

Swadee

10/3/22.

 

 

A lot of Maybe

 Do tears run out while the pain remains?

Isnt it unfair?

But I think thats what happens.

To me.

Maybe thats why it feels so heavy despite being empty.

I think it never going away. It lives here.

It will remain. Forever.

 

Like scars.

You can put a band aid but it will always be there.

Like a memory.

A remind of a wound.

A reminder of pain.

Maybe its roots runs too deep.

Pain relievers don’t work anymore.

And maybe its fine.

Since its bearable from the outside.

Or just maybe.

You can pretend its okay.

Or maybe try to forget about it.

 

But time only knows.

It will come as a surprise.

A pain inside a gift box made of everything gray.

It will knock at your door in the most unexpected moment.

Saying hello that brings tears.

Unbearable sigh that clench your heart.

And a flashbacks of memories you don’t need.

 

No choice was given but to let it in.

Wallow in grief and ignorance

Hiding beneath candy eyes

With lies clear as the skies

Only a broken soul like you

Can surely tell whats it like.

 

Who knows sunset can be bitter,

Maybe youre just expecting something sweet just like the the sky baths in purple

Thats not how it is

Its bliss but not to everyone

Its might be not your time

Just wait darling maybe the sun is not for you

Maybe your born to love under roaring thunders and angry rains

Just wait, and maybe the stars will come and kiss you.

 

For now, lets pretend everything is in color

Don’t let anyone find a crack on your door.

For they might see the fragile flower

Bathing in sadness near the drawers

Let them see you shine. For now.

Well no one knows that you have the lights on

All they care is how golden you look.

 

 

Darling, people will pretend not to notice

As long as everything seems at peace

Only our minds know the deep secret our hearts hold

And that is better than any gold.

We will not forget , since im also afraid that I will not be ready

So lets stay, inside our room where the corners can keep it safe.

 

If only someone is brave enough,

Brave to get inside the turmoil and chaos in my mind

If that someone can see the darkness in my heart

I wonder it its gonna be alright.

Is it alright darling? To let them in,

Will they understand the lonely corners of my mind.

Im scared, of everything.

Because I know that I will not like the look in their eyes

It mirrors the words that their lips cant say at the moment

And surely it will add a crack on my soul.

 

I choose my mind to keep the secrets of my heart

For my mind knows that my heart needs a diary.

A diary that will be kept hidden

For no one can understand.

 

If one day my mind cant handle it anymore

I hope to cross path with one broken soul whos ready to hear something dark

Something hidden

And something that is definitely unordinary

 

I want to run in field with blue roses

I want to fly above the horizon

Do you wonder how it feels?

Maybe yes or maybe you don’t care

Ive grown to appreciate gray

Getting darker and darker until it turns to black

I think its a lively color

I think its perfect for me

 

 

For now, ill be dancing in the green fields

But only inside my mind

For there is no way I can do that in this world thats not so good to me

Well I will try to get a little hope

So even if it crash me the pain would be little

 

Were getting older darling

And the darkness is getting stronger

Is that how it is

To grow up

To know that fairytales don’t exist

 

Well maybe if fairytales existed

It would be boring, thats why the world choose to be a little bad

If magic can happen I want to be there

I want to experience what it is

Before my heart totally freeze.