If Wishes do really come true

 hi there. nevermind. im 99 % sure no one is reading this shit but just in case. 

Tomorrow is the last day of the current year. Still me. Pathetic, unemployed still not a risk taker obviously and almost out of confidence. If only i knew that this is how my life will turn out i would have been a cloud or something just to avoid being human. And yes, btw i still dont like my own kind. 

so, the year is ending, no record breaking changes for me and about less than 48 hours to new year here i am feeling my heart hurts. Literally. Why do people make bad stupid decisions and find something or someone to blame? Humans have the heart and especially the brain to know exactly what they were doing and the decisions theyre making. in short they knew right from wrong. its just bullshit why they still choose to trampled on others, be stupid enough that i want to end them even of we were blood related. i hate them . They make matters worst and blame you in everything. Like what the hell? Suck it up asshole its you and your stupid ass decision. 

I always hate to be blame by something i didnt do. Especially if i know that i already made or did my part. Why would they blame the world if they're the one putting theirselves in such bullshit situations? Theyve got brains but theyre surely a big idiot. And i dont care about that toxic culture, "No matter what happens, your family." I dont give a damn People should stop tolerating someone just because you belong to the same fucking family tree. If you choose to commit something that can hurt someone and is obviously a big type of stupidity then i hate you no matter who you are, and dont blame me or put some salt on me, trying to play the fucking victim. It wont work on me. When i hate you, i hate you. Yes thats me. I am horrible. At least i refuse to be taken advantage.

Occasions like this are always celebrated in this country or to almost all of my kind. But there might be something in this fuck up life of mine that every time there is something to be celebrated i always ends up getting frustrated and just want to forget everything and sleep and never wake up. Every freaking time. Birthday. Christmas. New year or even  on days i thought might be different from all the days.

As i said if i will be given a chance to leave everything behind i would definitely do it. Forget everything and hope that my dogs will be safe. Even if im no longer there.

IF WISHES DO REALLY COME TRUE and if there is really someone who can hear it. Please i dont want this same pain in my next life. 

Push me

 Time check. Another evening, another day. down to the last 2 months of the calendar. But im still shitty as I am. No fucking achievements, no improvements just nothing. Still finding the right answer to why I am like this. To why am I feeling this way. Why my mind runs in different way, not so similar to others. Why is everything pointless. Can I get away?

 

A month ago, I ventured on one of my greatest escape, and im glad it happened. We attended the concert ive been waiting for the past 2 years. And im glad that my sister have given me the opportunity, but at the same time I realized again how pathetic and trashy I am. Compared to her. I always told my self that I am not someone who will impose on others but funny thing, I am exactly a trash right now. Nothing. How did it end up like this?

 

Maybe because the only thing I planned after I quit was how to get out of that hell, I didn’t think of the other hell waiting for me. Im so confident that Ill get the peace I badly want but as shitty as my life , why did I expect? Its not changing it just showered me more anxiety that im still exhausted as ever. Im stuck. Like how my novel is still stuck at chapter 5. like before. I lost the drive. Im trying to catch up but I don’t even know where to hold.

 

See? Still a stuck up loser. I told my self a month ago after that vacation that I need to move forward. Because that is what I need. But still nothing. Damn. Im not even going comfortable going outside, I don’t want people to look at me or even talk to me. Im so anxious when I think about sending that damn resume. Im so stupid. Why cant I be normal?

 

All I am doing is excuses. Excuses to stop me from going outside. Thats the only way right now to calm the storm in me. Now I have a new one, o better start it on new year. This time I hope someone, something can push me. Push me so hard ill fall harder. Or even punch me to put some sense on me. I am ashamed. Really. I hate my self more and more. Im all talk but im the worst.

 

Please push me enough so I wont be able to look back. Can somebody please?

Out Of Space

have you ever asked yourself if you really belong to this world? this planet? the era your in? i was always wondering maybe im born into the wrong era. What if this is not the life meant for me? what am i doing here anyway? Whats the reason why im here? What was in store for me? 

those questions are never going away at the back of my mind. They are persistent to stay there. Questions that will remain unanswered. Unspoken. A mystery.

i always knew that i am caught in the web of struggles looking for a reason to love life. a few years back, my teenage self all wanted was to find a job to support myself, provide for my needs or even give back to those who was there. im alone. No one to depend to. So i need to work my ass off if i wanted to buy something i want, eat what i crave and go somewhere i want to.  So i did. But the world doesnt supposed to work that way, its not going to stop just to give you time to adjust. You are growing older and its no longer the same. You wll realize that you need to grow. You need to survive and that means aiming for something higher. That poor teenage girl, ignorant to the cruel world tried to spread its wings and only ended  being swept by the wind. its too harsh. You will learn things in a hard way. The world will not stop for you. 

so i watch as confidence inflates, my eyes now knew that cruelty is always present in this world im in. and i dont have the power to stop it. i need to shield myself.  and the ugliness of the society makes it worst. 

who would have thought that a single paper will define your future? that it will matter most especially in the eyes of the society? that hard work is nothing without that shitty piece of paper. if you know what im talking about, thats the fucking college diploma. it sucks that people will based it on that shit how they will treat you. how their eyes will look at you and even if they need to smile at you or just treat you like nothing. Well, this hopeless girl now has one goal in mind. i need to get that shitty piece of paper and i will make them swallow their words. 

others may say that you need to forget and only focus on the positive things, well news flash, because of that dark feeling i have i was able to push myself even get on the job i never thought i could stand just to finish what ive started. Now i was waiting for that freaking moment were i can put on that fuckin black gown and get on that goddamn stage. that is the eonly time i can give myself a massive pat on the ,shoulder and say, " i made it." Yes i know im too hard on myself but thats what makes this stupid mind going.

After almost five years that goal is almost completed, now im back to the same scene. that girl who doesnt know where to go, doenst know what to do next. back to the phase that im struggling what to push me forward. and the anxiety that comes with the job i had. knowing myself im a very irritating person, no patience at all so i was actually amazed that i have been a customer service rep for almost 5 years given the personality i have. well i know im toxic. we all are. i quit. because i know that i need to find a way to save myself from my mind, my sanity is at stake, its been so suffocating and its been almost 10 months now. but whats funny is, im still a loser. Pathetic. Dumb. i realize how stupid i am. how dull my life was. well i already knew that but its sucks big time. im useless. im selfish which i also know. not proud of it though. it sucks that my mind doesnt work like how others work. it sucks bigtime.  

i wonder if there was something or someone who can push me. or even slap me. maybe that will work. Maybe i can think of something, enough to move forward?   thats why i keep on asking maybe im not for this world. Maybe i was never meant to be here. People usually are full of ambitions, or goals or dreams but here i am wishing to sleep and forget everything. i want to reset everything. or sleep for i dont know how long and just wake up to a different world.  When will i fall inlove with life?

10 Years

 October 3. thats your day. And its been 10 years since I last saw you, since I was able to give you a birthday card and 10 years of uncelebrated birthdays. A decade. A decade of what ifs, too many scenarios and too many questions. Im trying to imagine the supposed situaton if you were here but I cant really get a clear resolution. Maye because I  was so used to it. That I have accepted everything. That I have no chance to hope because it doesnt matter anymore, that no matter how beautiful the scene im going to create in my hsnd it wont change the fact that it was all just an illusion and it was better to leave it as it is. No imaginary scenes means no hopes raised. No more additional pain. Yes, I think thats better that way.

 

 

But what if youre still here, right now, right this moment where I am in the middle of nothing. Nothings working, its never going to be fine no matter how many times I told myself that overrated qoute. No decisions ever made, just a lot of regrets. Would you be able to understand? Will you hear my silence? Will you know that im crying silently until my throat hurts? Will you noticed how I hated myself? Will you? Maybe. Maybe not.

 

They say that people are not fortune tellers, you gotta tell them how you feel so that they can analyze, maybe they are right . but what will happen after? You cant tell if they are even interested to listen in the first place. Youll end up hoping that after you poured your heart to them they will understand but they will just nod , give you some unhelpful advice that they think will solve eveything not knowing that its just another toll on the poor soul, words that they think is nice ti hear but it was just another sugar coated phrase saying, “ youre too emotional”, “ its nothing”, “ forget about it” or sometimes it may be insensitive enough to cost you another night of overthinking.

 

Well, I wont know, the fact that I havent been able to see you as a mother to her teenage and now adult children will always be a question to me if you were the mother I wish or maybe just the same with other mothers. But remember this, I never hated you. I adored you and there was a time in my younger years that I wish youll see me as the woman you want me to be. Maybe in another life.

 

Still thank you , for those years that you were there, for letting me call you Mommy and for the little moments that I can still remember until today. I just hope that my poor memory will be able to keep it until then. Wherever you are, as they say that when people passed they can still see us, if that was true then I just want you to know that I was once happy meeting you, being with you and having moments with you.

 

If you can see me, please give me a little time, ill try my best to make you proud. Until then Mommy.

 

 

Your daughter,

Swadee

10/3/22.

 

 

EMPTY YET HEAVY

Have you ever wonder why emptiness felt so heavy? Funny right? But its a fact and we all know it. Who would have known that something hollow was this heavy in this goddamn world. Staring at empty ceilings, dark corners, closed doors and even my favorite, the night sky. Losing interest in everything including all the things you like, something that gives you a little bit of the so called happiness. And I thought, “Why?”. why am I like this? How long will I be like this? Have you asked yourself about this too? Why does no one understands me? Or even tried to? Nobody care to ask why am I quiet. No one noticed how faked my smile was. Why wont they choose me even just for once? Why am I only second or last in everything? This bullshit situation I am in right now. I always felt useless, in everything. ALL. THE. TIME. And even though its not new to me, it still bothers me. Im used to it. But I felt like shit. Every freaking time. Im starting to wonder if I was only born to be a mess my whole life. Isnt it unfair? And im thankful that I am on the level of numbness that helps me survive all the bullshit raining down on me no matter how empty I felt, my numbness helps me a lot. But it was still there. And its not easy trying to act like it didn’t bother the hell out of me.

 

Most people chose her. All the time. In every different situation. Shes the favorite. And I think ypu know already who I was talking about. Right? No need to drop the name. Im already mean enough I don’t want to add another ingredient to my devil persona. The always jealous and full of wrath girl, not saying anything but putting everything in her blog and twitter account. How nasty was that.

Back to the topic, did I mention also that almost everyone likes her? From adults, children, boys, girls or maybe even pets despite the fact the fact that we are identical. In almost everything. We also don’t like crowds and people but there is always something that puts her on top. She was chosen. They still like her. They still want to spend time with her. And I was left alone again , with darkness looming in my heart and a question of what in my mind. Just to be clear, I don’t want any of that attention but Im only wondering why, why am I the not the first option even for once? Am I not that worthy? Are we not the same? Its good to be different because you know what im sick of that twin interpretation since I don’t know when. It was nauseating to be honest. But how are we so different despite the fact that we are almost the same? Thats all I wanna ask. I don’t care about the attention , my heart just ache whenever I was left in the corner like something thats not worthy.

 

I hate myself because I sound like a desperate attention seeker. Because to be honest with you, if I were to choose between her and me I would also run to her and leave my stupid ass me. See? Eben my own self and mind wants to choose her. It only proves how unworthy, useless and trashy I am. That even I myself would discard this self.

 

I am insecure. Yes I am. And I cant help It that she is one of the main reason.

She have the confidence that I don’t possess.

She has thee aura that I lack.

I am irresponsible while she can handle the task well.

She is born to be a leader and I will always remain as a follower.

She has the style while im only a copycat.

She has the originality that I want so bad.

She can be calm and I have the worst temper.

And there will always be a hundred reason why she is better than me.

Im so pathetic.

Desperate even.

 

I love to be alone. Its my escape since words don’t work well with me.

I can think of something. Or enter the world that I only know of. Inside my rotten mind.

And thats okay.

But sometimes, it also kills my soul. It hurts.

How long will this unnecessary life continue? Will it ever end?

When will the life that I dreamed of begin?

I want a restart button so bad. Not a pause or a rewind. I want to reset everything. Start a new life, erase the data or start a new game. Hoping that this time I will win, I will have a happy life and my soul will be at peace. No over thinking. No heartaches that could shatter.

 

I don’t like the mind I have right now, its greedy, its painful and its giving me heartaches.

But I think my mind is not the only one to blame. Its not going to be like this if the world im in is not this harsh. Not this unfair.

 

I hate my mind because it can become too selfish, too naive , too ambitious, and too desperate all the time. It becomes too powerful at the moment that it puts off the fire in me, it kills all the hope left and its scary sometimes. I want to end it. I don’t want to continue if im going to be this useless. Im trying to find a way out but it seems im in the middle of a maze. It seems that im just running in circles and I don’t even know if there is something inside me left. Something that makes me alive because all I felt is emptiness and I wonder if im only waking up every morning because that is what this cruel world expects me to do. I felt like an empty bottle. Nothing inside.

 

 

What the fuck am I doing?

 

 

--- Swadee

6/21/22. 

untitled

 Am I A burden ? i think I am. A big one. A trash. Useless , unmotivated, no goals. Nothing.

 

Im so sick of myself. I want to be reborn. I need to press a reset button in my life. Not a Pause. Not a refresh. Not the rewind or even fast forward. Just the reset. I feel like im not born for this world. I will never be. Its tiring trying to stay functional.

 

Im not excited for tomorrow, I don’t want to back to yesterday. I just want to sleep for a very long time.

I want to stop caring. I want my mind to stop. I want my world to stop.

 

I hate birthdays. I don’t see any reason to celebrate or even be happy about it.

I don’t want to remind myself that im getting older yet I havent had any accomplishments yet. Nothing.

Just trash.

 

I know I cant change the world. Its too impossible for someone like me.

But I know I can control my own world.

Sometimes I want to fade away.

I want to fly far away.

Or sleep a hundred years.

Got teleported to another realm.

This is not me who watched too much anime.

Its just better than reality.

 

I wonder how long will I bear it.

How strong can I get?

Pretending to be inlove with this world when im not.

How long will I be living the life where I don’t even know myself.

The life so bitter that I can feel the poison it brings to my bones.

 

Time can only tell

But if I had the chance to catch a star

I would love to get that reset button to end this.

 

There were too many tangled lines in my head right now

Sometimes im afraid it might come out.

And people will be terrified.

Since they don’t much about darkness.

They love shiny things.

And rainbows and flowers in spring.

And only a few hearts love autumn.

 

Im afraid that one day my hand will shake and I can no longer command it to stop

What if my eyes get tired of wearing that look of a survivor

And it decides to just stop

And all they can see are the ,hollow parts of my soul

I need to be ready

For when that time comes I don’t want their stares full of pity

At least I don’t deserve that

 

I want to be remembered as the mysterious and weird lady

No pity on her eyes

The leader of the crows

And the mistress of the lions

Fierce and loyal                                                           8.2.22

A lot of Maybe

 Do tears run out while the pain remains?

Isnt it unfair?

But I think thats what happens.

To me.

Maybe thats why it feels so heavy despite being empty.

I think it never going away. It lives here.

It will remain. Forever.

 

Like scars.

You can put a band aid but it will always be there.

Like a memory.

A remind of a wound.

A reminder of pain.

Maybe its roots runs too deep.

Pain relievers don’t work anymore.

And maybe its fine.

Since its bearable from the outside.

Or just maybe.

You can pretend its okay.

Or maybe try to forget about it.

 

But time only knows.

It will come as a surprise.

A pain inside a gift box made of everything gray.

It will knock at your door in the most unexpected moment.

Saying hello that brings tears.

Unbearable sigh that clench your heart.

And a flashbacks of memories you don’t need.

 

No choice was given but to let it in.

Wallow in grief and ignorance

Hiding beneath candy eyes

With lies clear as the skies

Only a broken soul like you

Can surely tell whats it like.

 

Who knows sunset can be bitter,

Maybe youre just expecting something sweet just like the the sky baths in purple

Thats not how it is

Its bliss but not to everyone

Its might be not your time

Just wait darling maybe the sun is not for you

Maybe your born to love under roaring thunders and angry rains

Just wait, and maybe the stars will come and kiss you.

 

For now, lets pretend everything is in color

Don’t let anyone find a crack on your door.

For they might see the fragile flower

Bathing in sadness near the drawers

Let them see you shine. For now.

Well no one knows that you have the lights on

All they care is how golden you look.

 

 

Darling, people will pretend not to notice

As long as everything seems at peace

Only our minds know the deep secret our hearts hold

And that is better than any gold.

We will not forget , since im also afraid that I will not be ready

So lets stay, inside our room where the corners can keep it safe.

 

If only someone is brave enough,

Brave to get inside the turmoil and chaos in my mind

If that someone can see the darkness in my heart

I wonder it its gonna be alright.

Is it alright darling? To let them in,

Will they understand the lonely corners of my mind.

Im scared, of everything.

Because I know that I will not like the look in their eyes

It mirrors the words that their lips cant say at the moment

And surely it will add a crack on my soul.

 

I choose my mind to keep the secrets of my heart

For my mind knows that my heart needs a diary.

A diary that will be kept hidden

For no one can understand.

 

If one day my mind cant handle it anymore

I hope to cross path with one broken soul whos ready to hear something dark

Something hidden

And something that is definitely unordinary

 

I want to run in field with blue roses

I want to fly above the horizon

Do you wonder how it feels?

Maybe yes or maybe you don’t care

Ive grown to appreciate gray

Getting darker and darker until it turns to black

I think its a lively color

I think its perfect for me

 

 

For now, ill be dancing in the green fields

But only inside my mind

For there is no way I can do that in this world thats not so good to me

Well I will try to get a little hope

So even if it crash me the pain would be little

 

Were getting older darling

And the darkness is getting stronger

Is that how it is

To grow up

To know that fairytales don’t exist

 

Well maybe if fairytales existed

It would be boring, thats why the world choose to be a little bad

If magic can happen I want to be there

I want to experience what it is

Before my heart totally freeze.

The Wrong Side

Anime: Spy x Family

That feeling that youre always misinterpreted, have you felt that? It would be great if you don’t , because let me tell you its awful. It stings. Like burns in the soul. And its never going away. Even how hard you tried to forget about it, it leaves a mark. Or rather a stain.

 

Why is it that people easily brand me of someone im not? How easy is it for them to assume the me which is not me? The me that I don’t want people to think? The me that I hate. Well I guess I always hate the Me’s that existed. I don’t even know which is real because mostly I realized those Me’s are all paper. Easily torn. Can be replaced. Can be faked. Maybe im trying so hard to blend in and the funny thing is I always talk about being the authentic me. But im so fucked up because at the end of the day Im always this desperate girl trying to fit in. That stupid girl doing something that she doesnt want and maybe blame the people on what they have perceived along the way about her, which of course is my fault for being so fabricated. You can laugh because Im so stupid and thats a fact. They are always right. Im desperate.

 

I hate myself so much for being so sensitive at times. Those times when its not necessary. Those times that will make me look like an idiot. Im gonna be like, “Oh I don’t care about what they say.” but im always choking on those words. I ended up processing everything that they say. Over thinking. Well what can I say, its been my hobby. I don’t know how long. It sucks. It hurts.

 

I badly really wanna shout, I want them to know that thats not me, im not that energetic girl they thought, im not an extrovert. I struggle with my words. However, since im trying so bad , maybe not to embarass myself, or maybe to let them know im not stupid, or mostly to stop them from thinking that im too sensitive for this word, that maybe I don’t want to be called “the OA bitch”, I showed the someone that I don’t even know. Or maybe someone that only me knows. I dint even know what the fuck im talking about right now, its awful to be me. In other words maybe I just want someone who can see right through me, who can see how sensitive I am, someone who can hear the loud beating of my heart when im trying to talk to someone for the first time, someone who knows the feeling of cold sweaty palms when im about to start presenting my report. No one. All them thought im this extroverted, trying hard girl in the room. They don’t get me at all. And I don’t like it. I don’t want it.

 

 

In this world, its not easy to say, “Thats not what I mean.” ,” Thats not me.”, “Thats not what I want.” Well maybe in my own world only, because others can easily be their selves, can easily sent their message, easily understood and most of all they knew who they are. Im desperate. Yes I am.

Well people always believe what theyre told to, what they want to, and what society prefers.

 

Im always lying with myself. I hide. I cant even make up my mind. I want to be found but im not doing anything. I can hate myself all I want but that doesnt change the fact that even to myself I am useless.

 

I want to do the things that I want, in my own way. But its always the opposite. Resulting for everyone to evaluate me in a way that I don’t want. Giving life to another me, another fabricated me that I will play for all the time that I am with that group of people. Its tiring because after a ertain the cycle will repeat again. New faces. New character that will be born. Sometimes I wonder maybe I have too many faces. Too many roles. I don’t know which is the real one.

 

Why is it that my action is not really how I want people to see me? Is it possible. Or maybe im just too stupid. My thoughts were too far from what im doing. And I ended up living the character they thought about me. Stupid right? I don’t know anymore.

 

Maybe its better to be hidden than seen. Because in the first place I don’t really know anymore. What should be done, what should be seen and what should be keep hidden. Im confused. Afraid of what theyll say, forgetting what I told myself. Doing something that every normal people would do instead of doing the weird thing that will make me comfortable. Saying yes even though sometimes I really want to tell them no. Expressing myself in a wrong way, which at some point I thought it was the best and ended up not able to express anything. Its makes me want to beat myself sometime every time I talk in a way that I think is great, desperately trying to forget that I am someone who doesnt talk that way, who talks casually instead of using flowery words. It makes me want to puke. But its too late. No matter how much I hate it, how many times I puke Ive already done it. And there is no UNDO button to press. Its never good to be me. Maybe there is someone out there whos as confuse as me. I don’t know. But if there is, I hope youll find what youre looking for, I hope someday youll realize what you really want and I hope you stop hating yourself and live the way you want.

 

Because I cant do it right now. I don’t know when.

 

I want to stop justifying myself. I don’t want to be confused anymore. I don’t want to think at all. I want to stop trying to please people. I don’t want this.

 

I hate this.

I hate me.

 

I don’t want this anymore.

 

I cant.

I don’t know when.

 

I hate me.

ME.

ME.

 

 

 

I want to hide from me.

 

Away.

 

Sealed.

 

 

The Joker

 Have you ever tell a joke and look bad because of it? Even if you just do it because they make fun of you first? We are trapped in a fucking society where we always “need to respect” the elders? But I think their should be exceptions for that “rule”. Not because your younger you cant defend yourself against then and not because they’re older they can make fun of you always and just shrug about it like its the most normal thing to do.

 

 Its fucked up that they can insult or humiliate you like you have given them a right to do so, and have their own fun and expect you to be okay with all of it.Just one word from you and they’ll look at you like your the most awful thing they’ve seen. They consider your little joke as something that shouldnt been said in the first place. Your actions will be calculated by the judges living in their eyes. They want to have their own laugh and you are the subject, which is so fucked up, no one has the right to do that. They want to laugh their asses off yet they wont let you have even a small chuckle. When in fact, your joke was only a little better than the corniest joke they might have heard, no one will ever get insulted, hurt or humiliated since you knew yourself it will take a toll on you. Thats not the case for them. They just don’t care at all.

 

 You can no longer count the times their “jokes” humiliated , bruised your ego, dissipate your hard earned confidence and as someone as kind as you are you cant even disrespect them. You never knew that coming up with a rebuttal that is nothing compared to the humor they have, to only counter that joke who scarred you again would be a big deal. Who knows that this is so hard?

Why are laughs seems so expensive?

 Why ca someone afford it while I cant?

 Why is it so hard to tell them its not funny anymore?

Why is it so hard to let them stop?

I, have never thought that adults can be like that?it seems my own expectations hurt me again.

 

That joke was clearly on me.

 

How I wish its not this difficult to laugh.

im the worst

 Here I am again feeling pathetic and feeling so low about myself. I hate it. I am envious which I shouldnt be and I cant help it. And I feel so worst. Like im a trash. Now I strongly believe that no matter how good a person is, how hard she/he tries to liv in the most righteous way, something from the dark called envy will always finds a way especially if you have lived being compared in such a cruel world. You’ll get to point of being bad.

 

I act like im hungry for attention. I always denied it but deep inside I know thats its true no matter what the excuses would be. I don’t want it but its like a disease creeping in. As embarrassed as I am I cant do anything. All I can do is agree with the darkness creeping in. What would you expect if youve been living for almost all of you’re life being compared.

 

Having a twin is not easy and happy like what others think especially if you possess all the negative facts. Is it okay to ask for something equal?

I always ask myself.

We have the same face-they say--, same actions at times and almost the same opinions on every issue but im always in the shadows.

Why is that?

Where am I lacking?

 

But in the end I always realize that im no better and I cant defeat her.

The light on her is brighter than what I have or if im honest I really cant be her. I don’t have what she had. Maybe, our differences only ends in our faces. But sometimes, I doubt it also.

 

We have the same face yet she looks so pretty while I look like trash. No matter how dark the circles around her eyes was she still shines, her photos where perfect while mine look like a trying hard silly girl. She has plenty of ideas while I stood in the sidelines with nothing, no originality and cant think of anything. she can lead while im useless, someone who others in the room would take a glance during leader selection. She was loved, adored and admired first. And I can only step towards the dark after someone notice whos that girl that exactly looks like her.

 

I started to compare even my pictures with hers. I started to stop taking photos of myself, even scared to take an ID picture and she always says how horrible she look. I always check her photos, how can she say that? When in fact the camera loves her. Well, ever since I have a very low self esteem, I am not blaming her but it just gets worst. The fact that she doesnt know hurts. I am dependent to her like how shadows were supposed to. Maybe im a masochist.

 

Shes always there, she showed support at times , she talks to me over some things that other wouldnt understand maybe because we always have the same in mind. Always. And because, unconsciously she has become my role model.

 

Her styles inspire me, her ideas sometimes makes me survive. And sad to say, I sometimes badly want to be her.

 

I want t be alone, but at the end of the day, im thankful since she understands me the most.

Times when I feel so lucky comes but in every bliss that I thought, it always ends in the same page. I was always drag to the dark by my own mind. Trapped and suffocated. So dark that I can curse myself. I know that im not that attention seeker girl. I always want to stay in the quiet zone but in everything I think there is always an exception. Shes the only one who can turn me into someone I don’t wanna be. The evil in me smiles.

She makes me crave for the same affection, the same look she gets from everyone whos excited to listen to her, I yearn for the mind that she had, the face she wore because even if I look at it we are so different. Her smile seems ready while I always look awkward. Her frank attitude that is not afraid to say no at times and how she can stand up for what she believed in.

 

I hate myself for trying so hard to copy her always when it happens, and in return I always took the blow since no one understands. People starts assuming that I am that person and I cant tell them im not. The result is always me losing. Always me being pathetic, and sometimes without any choices I started to pretend that im really that person they thought I was. And there is no going back.

 

They cant see what I want them to see. And I ended up being an actor trying hard to blend in. Why is it so hard?

Its always getting worst. There is no way out.

DROWNING

I think im drowning. This feeling has always been here. I don’t even remember when it started, sometimes I can feel that its in my head, or sometimes just somewhere near or lurking in the shadows. All I know is im craving for air to breath or a hand that will pull me up when im almost reaching the bottom. And the truth is, I only knew it when I can no longer breath it seems that I always notice it too late. In the middle of nowhere or in between solitude.

 

Im not good at handling things, decisions , problems, company or any inf=d of relationships, may it be romantic or platonic. I always get tired. So easily. Always finding things boring or even lifeless, and I know I need to go because its eating me up.and worst, every time I always lost a part of myself, my confidence, my directions , and self esteem. And I always catch my breath trying to find the air and the light. Thats when I know im drowning. Again.

 

Memories tends to perished, its seems to be that its made only to be enjoyed once and the rest would be stardust. Feelings would be a once in a lifetime luxury, a minute of euphoria and it would be nice to capture it like what others do but it seems that I don’t have the privileige. For me its just a tick of the clock or I can put it like a stopwatch, maybe given a minute or just a few seconds only. So I need to enjoy it while its happening. Is it to bad to get a piece to be kept? Sometimes its an advantage but not all the time. If only I could select what to keep and what to lose. And I turn out to be pathetic with no feelings or even memories to say I live.

 

Imagine the feeling of wanting something so bad, feeling the love towards something and then find out that you don’t want it anymore. Im not spoiled, oh how I wish I was, but that feeling that you’re getting tired of something you though you like is simply absurd that I want to curse myself. Why do I always wants to run away and not mind anything.I cant find the finish line.

 

A few months ago, that damn feelings of being out of breath is pulling me too hard unlike the previous cases so I decided to take a leap not minding how high or what could be the possible damage after I fall. I quit. I escaped. Im tired. They don’t understand how I badly wanted to breath. Im incompetent in their eyes but they don’t know much I want to hide. Maybe im wasting time, would it be bad if I know I needed this? I need to jump to break free from that feeling before I totally disappear. And I know I wont regret it. Shitty as I am , I still feel restless, awful and pathetic. What do I really want? How can someone understand if I don’t even fucking understand me and myself. Now im starting to frown again without any direction and no where to hold.

 

I thought I already escape the trigger of this feelings but theyre always everywhere. They are here. Running away by quitting my job to avoid the stress and the toxic work environment because it also is one of the triggers. But why does anxiety never goes away? Why do I feel like the tide is washing me away from the shore? Maybe because I took over thinking as my favorite hobby but what I can do? I tried some ways to avoid it but it keeps on hunting me. I don’t know. Its getting worse and worse. I don’t know. I can even think of even a half ass reason why.

 

Maybe because this time I don’t have a goal in mind. Im almost dine with school all I need is to process everything for graduation. I did before since I know thats the best revenge for those who threw insults at me. A diploma. Maybe they wont treat me as little as before. But now since its done all I want is to sleep. Im tired. And im not literally not doing anything.maybe because my soul is tired.

 

 

--- Swadee **

4/3/22.I think im drowning. This feeling has always been here. I don’t even remember when it started, sometimes I can feel that its in my head, or sometimes just somewhere near or lurking in the shadows. All I know is im craving for air to breath or a hand that will pull me up when im almost reaching the bottom. And the truth is, I only knew it when I can no longer breath it seems that I always notice it too late. In the middle of nowhere or in between solitude.

 

Im not good at handling things, decisions , problems, company or any inf=d of relationships, may it be romantic or platonic. I always get tired. So easily. Always finding things boring or even lifeless, and I know I need to go because its eating me up.and worst, every time I always lost a part of myself, my confidence, my directions , and self esteem. And I always catch my breath trying to find the air and the light. Thats when I know im drowning. Again.

 

Memories tends to perished, its seems to be that its made only to be enjoyed once and the rest would be stardust. Feelings would be a once in a lifetime luxury, a minute of euphoria and it would be nice to capture it like what others do but it seems that I don’t have the privilege. For me its just a tick of the clock or I can put it like a stopwatch, maybe given a minute or just a few seconds only. So I need to enjoy it while its happening. Is it to bad to get a piece to be kept? Sometimes its an advantage but not all the time. If only I could select what to keep and what to lose. And I turn out to be pathetic with no feelings or even memories to say I live.

 

Imagine the feeling of wanting something so bad, feeling the love towards something and then find out that you don’t want it anymore. Im not spoiled, oh how I wish I was, but that feeling that you’re getting tired of something you though you like is simply absurd that I want to curse myself. Why do I always wants to run away and not mind anything.I cant find the finish line.

 

A few months ago, that damn feelings of being out of breath is pulling me too hard unlike the previous cases so I decided to take a leap not minding how high or what could be the possible damage after I fall. I quit. I escaped. Im tired. They don’t understand how I badly wanted to breath. Im incompetent in their eyes but they don’t know much I want to hide. Maybe im wasting time, would it be bad if I know I needed this? I need to jump to break free from that feeling before I totally disappear. And I know I wont regret it. Shitty as I am , I still feel restless, awful and pathetic. What do I really want? How can someone understand if I don’t even fucking understand me and myself. Now im starting to frown again without any direction and no where to hold.

 

I thought I already escape the trigger of this feelings but theyre always everywhere. They are here. Running away by quitting my job to avoid the stress and the toxic work environment because it also is one of the triggers. But why does anxiety never goes away? Why do I feel like the tide is washing me away from the shore? Maybe because I took over thinking as my favorite hobby but what I can do? I tried some ways to avoid it but it keeps on hunting me. I don’t know. Its getting worse and worse. I don’t know. I can even think of even a half ass reason why.

 

Maybe because this time I don’t have a goal in mind. Im almost dine with school all I need is to process everything for graduation. I did before since I know thats the best revenge for those who threw insults at me. A diploma. Maybe they wont treat me as little as before. But now since its done all I want is to sleep. Im tired. And im not literally not doing anything,.maybe because my soul is tired.

 

 

--- Swadee **

4/3/22.

FEAR

 When I was still working, back in my call centers day I always get low survey scores, so the effect would always be attending a short meeting with an English trainer since as what my supervisor say it will help me get a better result next time but of course I doubt that will happen. If you don’t know I think I’m famous enough already in the company or for those who know me either my team mates, previous supervisors, account coordinator and of course Quality Assurance specialist as the Irate agent. So in short, I always have a rebuttal especially for customers who they call “Karen” . Yes, that’s one of my toxic trait, I don’t have the patience that others have. One insult and boom! One shout and here comes the sarcasm. So yeah that’s me! Ill tell you about that some other time.

 

There’s this time, in a short meeting with the trainer which I already forgot the name, ask me some random question only instead of lecturing me the same things over and over again. Which I really like considering that its an after shift session where agents are expected as sleepy, groggy and cant definitely understand a boring throwback lecture. One of her question was “Whats your greatest fear?”

 

If your going to be ask what would be your answer. Maybe you can answer it in a few seconds right? You’ll say death, snakes or even accidents. But on that time , it seems that I was the only one who cant answer. It seems that for others the question would be like the same when someone ask you what your favorite color. But for me I found myself thinking hard, nothing comes to mind. Even my fright for snakes didn’t come to mind that time. My mind wandered more than the question ask, It didn’t answer in a way that was expected. Its really weird , it seems that the trainer might think that im an over thinker which in fact is true. As I recall, I was thinking that time what was the fear in my heart more than the most obvious one. So my answer came out like I was being interviewed in an all about life program.

 

 

“ Maybe to die without accomplishing something.” That was my answer to the question. I forgot about the trainers reaction already but after the meeting ended even I myself realized that was the time I admitted my greatest fear. I don’t fear death like most of the majority. If its meant for you to live long then good, but if its your time then you cant do anything about it. You may have heard about it already, it was an old saying from the grandmothers but I fully agree with it. Not accomplishing anything meant you haven’t served your purpose in this lifetime. You havent lived. And it seems your space in this lifetime is a waste. You can disagree with me but thats what I thought especially if you havent lived your life without relying on others. Life was given to find purpose or be full of purpose. As for me , im saying this right now but im also ashamed since I also didn’t know right now what the fuck am I doing.

-- Swadee *

3/31/22.