EMPTY YET HEAVY

Have you ever wonder why emptiness felt so heavy? Funny right? But its a fact and we all know it. Who would have known that something hollow was this heavy in this goddamn world. Staring at empty ceilings, dark corners, closed doors and even my favorite, the night sky. Losing interest in everything including all the things you like, something that gives you a little bit of the so called happiness. And I thought, “Why?”. why am I like this? How long will I be like this? Have you asked yourself about this too? Why does no one understands me? Or even tried to? Nobody care to ask why am I quiet. No one noticed how faked my smile was. Why wont they choose me even just for once? Why am I only second or last in everything? This bullshit situation I am in right now. I always felt useless, in everything. ALL. THE. TIME. And even though its not new to me, it still bothers me. Im used to it. But I felt like shit. Every freaking time. Im starting to wonder if I was only born to be a mess my whole life. Isnt it unfair? And im thankful that I am on the level of numbness that helps me survive all the bullshit raining down on me no matter how empty I felt, my numbness helps me a lot. But it was still there. And its not easy trying to act like it didn’t bother the hell out of me.

 

Most people chose her. All the time. In every different situation. Shes the favorite. And I think ypu know already who I was talking about. Right? No need to drop the name. Im already mean enough I don’t want to add another ingredient to my devil persona. The always jealous and full of wrath girl, not saying anything but putting everything in her blog and twitter account. How nasty was that.

Back to the topic, did I mention also that almost everyone likes her? From adults, children, boys, girls or maybe even pets despite the fact the fact that we are identical. In almost everything. We also don’t like crowds and people but there is always something that puts her on top. She was chosen. They still like her. They still want to spend time with her. And I was left alone again , with darkness looming in my heart and a question of what in my mind. Just to be clear, I don’t want any of that attention but Im only wondering why, why am I the not the first option even for once? Am I not that worthy? Are we not the same? Its good to be different because you know what im sick of that twin interpretation since I don’t know when. It was nauseating to be honest. But how are we so different despite the fact that we are almost the same? Thats all I wanna ask. I don’t care about the attention , my heart just ache whenever I was left in the corner like something thats not worthy.

 

I hate myself because I sound like a desperate attention seeker. Because to be honest with you, if I were to choose between her and me I would also run to her and leave my stupid ass me. See? Eben my own self and mind wants to choose her. It only proves how unworthy, useless and trashy I am. That even I myself would discard this self.

 

I am insecure. Yes I am. And I cant help It that she is one of the main reason.

She have the confidence that I don’t possess.

She has thee aura that I lack.

I am irresponsible while she can handle the task well.

She is born to be a leader and I will always remain as a follower.

She has the style while im only a copycat.

She has the originality that I want so bad.

She can be calm and I have the worst temper.

And there will always be a hundred reason why she is better than me.

Im so pathetic.

Desperate even.

 

I love to be alone. Its my escape since words don’t work well with me.

I can think of something. Or enter the world that I only know of. Inside my rotten mind.

And thats okay.

But sometimes, it also kills my soul. It hurts.

How long will this unnecessary life continue? Will it ever end?

When will the life that I dreamed of begin?

I want a restart button so bad. Not a pause or a rewind. I want to reset everything. Start a new life, erase the data or start a new game. Hoping that this time I will win, I will have a happy life and my soul will be at peace. No over thinking. No heartaches that could shatter.

 

I don’t like the mind I have right now, its greedy, its painful and its giving me heartaches.

But I think my mind is not the only one to blame. Its not going to be like this if the world im in is not this harsh. Not this unfair.

 

I hate my mind because it can become too selfish, too naive , too ambitious, and too desperate all the time. It becomes too powerful at the moment that it puts off the fire in me, it kills all the hope left and its scary sometimes. I want to end it. I don’t want to continue if im going to be this useless. Im trying to find a way out but it seems im in the middle of a maze. It seems that im just running in circles and I don’t even know if there is something inside me left. Something that makes me alive because all I felt is emptiness and I wonder if im only waking up every morning because that is what this cruel world expects me to do. I felt like an empty bottle. Nothing inside.

 

 

What the fuck am I doing?

 

 

--- Swadee

6/21/22.