FEAR

 When I was still working, back in my call centers day I always get low survey scores, so the effect would always be attending a short meeting with an English trainer since as what my supervisor say it will help me get a better result next time but of course I doubt that will happen. If you don’t know I think I’m famous enough already in the company or for those who know me either my team mates, previous supervisors, account coordinator and of course Quality Assurance specialist as the Irate agent. So in short, I always have a rebuttal especially for customers who they call “Karen” . Yes, that’s one of my toxic trait, I don’t have the patience that others have. One insult and boom! One shout and here comes the sarcasm. So yeah that’s me! Ill tell you about that some other time.

 

There’s this time, in a short meeting with the trainer which I already forgot the name, ask me some random question only instead of lecturing me the same things over and over again. Which I really like considering that its an after shift session where agents are expected as sleepy, groggy and cant definitely understand a boring throwback lecture. One of her question was “Whats your greatest fear?”

 

If your going to be ask what would be your answer. Maybe you can answer it in a few seconds right? You’ll say death, snakes or even accidents. But on that time , it seems that I was the only one who cant answer. It seems that for others the question would be like the same when someone ask you what your favorite color. But for me I found myself thinking hard, nothing comes to mind. Even my fright for snakes didn’t come to mind that time. My mind wandered more than the question ask, It didn’t answer in a way that was expected. Its really weird , it seems that the trainer might think that im an over thinker which in fact is true. As I recall, I was thinking that time what was the fear in my heart more than the most obvious one. So my answer came out like I was being interviewed in an all about life program.

 

 

“ Maybe to die without accomplishing something.” That was my answer to the question. I forgot about the trainers reaction already but after the meeting ended even I myself realized that was the time I admitted my greatest fear. I don’t fear death like most of the majority. If its meant for you to live long then good, but if its your time then you cant do anything about it. You may have heard about it already, it was an old saying from the grandmothers but I fully agree with it. Not accomplishing anything meant you haven’t served your purpose in this lifetime. You havent lived. And it seems your space in this lifetime is a waste. You can disagree with me but thats what I thought especially if you havent lived your life without relying on others. Life was given to find purpose or be full of purpose. As for me , im saying this right now but im also ashamed since I also didn’t know right now what the fuck am I doing.

-- Swadee *

3/31/22.