CLOUDY

 

 

Today, 27^th of March 2022 1:37 in the afternoon I was ready to eat my lunch for the day. Woke up around 9 A.m., have my 3 hour breakfast so lunch is expected to be around 2 in the afternoon. Not so usual right? We a different time for that. Gloomy as the sky, my heart can relate, I mean not just today my heart is always gloomy. But unlike the weather it always has been this way, no sunny days, maybe a bit of autumn a times or a little spring. I don’t know anymore.

 

 Its been almost 3 months after I left my job but I dot have it in me to start again. Am I pathetic? I'm a loser and again I don’t know anymore. Those who quit after me already started their new career in the same field but only in another company and I'm still here trying to wrap my head in everything. I'm pretty sure they’ve been thinking how incompetent I am, irresponsible and doesn't care about a thing. I can agree with the first and the last but not the responsibility part, I don’t have any obligations so far, I'm just waiting for graduation and I have my savings for that, I don’t spend money like before when I am still employed, I don’t do online shopping anymore, and I think that is responsible enough. I know what I can only do at the moment.

 

I am incompetent maybe because I don’t have the motivation others have, that is one of the reason I can think of , or if I am to be honest I'm afraid that maybe this is really me. Maybe I am really someone who doesn't think of the future , and as much as I want to deny it, that is true. I don’t see myself in a way that others are see their self, I don’t have plans like how others planned their future in 10 or 20 years, all I have is tomorrow , months I guess when I badly want to see a movie and the trailer is out knowing that it will be months away or a concert of an artist I badly want. I sometimes laugh at myself, maybe others will say how comfortable my life is without worrying about my future, how confident I am , how secured or how carefree. But the truth is , it always makes me wonder, “ Why am I like this?” sometimes I get tired of letting myself believe in all my excuses, I pity myself, my body for having a dumb soul, lifeless, no future just no direction. Living life for this long with the mindset I have really makes me think “ Why am I even here?” Maybe I've waste my time to much, maybe this life is not meant for the soul I have.

 

Living life with no direction is exhausting, especially if you don’t have answers to your own question. As Christopher Robin said, “ Doing nothing leads to the very best something.” I surely loved that quote but maybe its not always the case . Maybe I like it since its giving me another excuse to not face the tide which is life. What a shame! I'm such a joke.

 

As the sun starts smiling right now, I'm still stuck in my cloudy world. I keep thinking these past few days that time is running and I'm getting really useless, I cant even start doing the things I want , the ideas I have before passing my resignation letter. And I totally hate me for that. Bit as usual , the loser me is still writing,  finding excuses, doing other unnecessary things , procrastinating, since that's why I do best. I don’t feel the fire to get a new job, I don’t want to try since I know its not gonna work since I'm so out of it, I will be wasting my efforts, my confidence( if I have those which I ,doubt since I cant even imagine myself in another interview). I don’t really know. Its funny how hard it is for me to even answer a question I had for myself. “WHY?” Why don’t I think like a normal person, maybe my brain is dead. Why cant I find any motivation? Well, what is motivation for me anyway., why cant I think of my future? Maybe I don’t really have that in line for me. Too many questions, maybe others will think how dumb, how little , how not needed those questions are or they could just easily answer it in a few seconds or they'll just simply laugh how bullshit it sounds wondering why someone like me find it hard to answer a simple query. I don’t know. I don’t fuckin know.