Have you ever asked about your purpose in this lifetime? Well I always asked myself about that. Maybe because I really don’t have a very clear idea why I’m here. Others at my age always have this idea of what they really want in the future, it might be being a nurse or a doctor or sometimes an engineer or a teacher. It feels like I was still in the middle of nowhere thinking what would be the next step, still doubting the possibilities if I choose to remain standing on where I am located or go left or right. Or maybe begin to wander and take the chance to discover myself If I go on. It feels like I don’t really have any direction at all.
I was thinking that maybe if I have a more privileged environment, just maybe I could grasp this dream I would really want. Living independently and getting a job to live is also a bribed to forget that dream. But on my case I don’t really care at first because in the first place I don’t have this so called dream. When I was young I actually could remember that I used to play as a teacher I still have this little notebook where I wrote all the imaginary student’s name and put some scores to record pretending its my class record. When I was growing up I realize I don’t want to be a teacher anymore, well, maybe because I’m already aware of what there job is or maybe teaching and being with these kids is really not my thing. To be honest, I’m really not into kids or children and especially babies. I was so bad back then that we always bullied our 2 cousins. I’m also not a fan of babies like almost all the people because they actually annoy the hell out of me. They’re so loud and you need to be with them always. In my entire life , I have never held a baby.
Back to the purpose thing, when I was in elementary I would always like to write short stories and I keep on doing that until early years in high school. I still have this story I started writing when I was 15 and it was still in chapter 2. I always hate myself because I know I wanted to finish it but I wasn’t able to. It was still my dream since then and I still wanted to do it until now. I’ve had a few stories in my mind and I really wanted my thoughts and idea came to life or put it in a paper. I’ve had multiple stories in my old notebooks waiting to be completed. And then again it drew up this question, “ Is this really want I want?” if Yes then why cant I even find the drive to proceed.
I can’t exactly figured out the reason that I cant even continue doing what I really want. I’m actually lost and I hate my self for being dumb and not being able to do anything. I was in the middle of my lifetime and it would be too late for me not to figure out what will I do with my life. For damned sake I’m not a teenager anymore. it actually occurs to me that your status also plays a big part on your dreams or figuring out how you want your life to be. Have you seen rich and more privileged people can get exactly what they want. They have this is so called power to be more driven. For an instance a rich kid wants to sing, the parents would immediately find a good workshop place to enhance the child’s voice even though it’s not that good compared to a child in the province. The parents of that child would often tell them to focus on something that can help in the future like finding a job that can support them and immediately that dream will soon fade out and the child will only sing in the bathroom. See? It was also heartbreaking that on the future that rich child will be seen in rehab. People like us who is not so privileged in this life needs to focus on the things like finding a living to survive and soon setting aside what we want. But I’m not making it an excuse that we are not rich that we cant get our dream I was just hoping it would be great if all these people have the chance to be guided accordingly on what they really want. It would be great if we can fly towards our destination without minding what will happen tomorrow.
I don’t want to put a limitation on dreams. I think it would be perfect to dream as much as you want because there is also a million possibilities that awaits. I have this crazy dream of travelling the world ever since I was young. It would be nice to fall in love with different places and culture. Meeting people in different countries would be amazing too and of course getting to taste all the good food the globe can offer. For now, I will also work hard to finish this dream that I started. After graduating I can figure out what to do with the degree I’ve got. They asked me before, “ What’s your goal?” and I replied, “ I want to be the boss of myself.” And I think I can do it this time.
--- S W A D E E x.x *** 10/14/19
No comments:
Post a Comment