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 Am I A burden ? i think I am. A big one. A trash. Useless , unmotivated, no goals. Nothing.

 

Im so sick of myself. I want to be reborn. I need to press a reset button in my life. Not a Pause. Not a refresh. Not the rewind or even fast forward. Just the reset. I feel like im not born for this world. I will never be. Its tiring trying to stay functional.

 

Im not excited for tomorrow, I don’t want to back to yesterday. I just want to sleep for a very long time.

I want to stop caring. I want my mind to stop. I want my world to stop.

 

I hate birthdays. I don’t see any reason to celebrate or even be happy about it.

I don’t want to remind myself that im getting older yet I havent had any accomplishments yet. Nothing.

Just trash.

 

I know I cant change the world. Its too impossible for someone like me.

But I know I can control my own world.

Sometimes I want to fade away.

I want to fly far away.

Or sleep a hundred years.

Got teleported to another realm.

This is not me who watched too much anime.

Its just better than reality.

 

I wonder how long will I bear it.

How strong can I get?

Pretending to be inlove with this world when im not.

How long will I be living the life where I don’t even know myself.

The life so bitter that I can feel the poison it brings to my bones.

 

Time can only tell

But if I had the chance to catch a star

I would love to get that reset button to end this.

 

There were too many tangled lines in my head right now

Sometimes im afraid it might come out.

And people will be terrified.

Since they don’t much about darkness.

They love shiny things.

And rainbows and flowers in spring.

And only a few hearts love autumn.

 

Im afraid that one day my hand will shake and I can no longer command it to stop

What if my eyes get tired of wearing that look of a survivor

And it decides to just stop

And all they can see are the ,hollow parts of my soul

I need to be ready

For when that time comes I don’t want their stares full of pity

At least I don’t deserve that

 

I want to be remembered as the mysterious and weird lady

No pity on her eyes

The leader of the crows

And the mistress of the lions

Fierce and loyal                                                           8.2.22

A lot of Maybe

 Do tears run out while the pain remains?

Isnt it unfair?

But I think thats what happens.

To me.

Maybe thats why it feels so heavy despite being empty.

I think it never going away. It lives here.

It will remain. Forever.

 

Like scars.

You can put a band aid but it will always be there.

Like a memory.

A remind of a wound.

A reminder of pain.

Maybe its roots runs too deep.

Pain relievers don’t work anymore.

And maybe its fine.

Since its bearable from the outside.

Or just maybe.

You can pretend its okay.

Or maybe try to forget about it.

 

But time only knows.

It will come as a surprise.

A pain inside a gift box made of everything gray.

It will knock at your door in the most unexpected moment.

Saying hello that brings tears.

Unbearable sigh that clench your heart.

And a flashbacks of memories you don’t need.

 

No choice was given but to let it in.

Wallow in grief and ignorance

Hiding beneath candy eyes

With lies clear as the skies

Only a broken soul like you

Can surely tell whats it like.

 

Who knows sunset can be bitter,

Maybe youre just expecting something sweet just like the the sky baths in purple

Thats not how it is

Its bliss but not to everyone

Its might be not your time

Just wait darling maybe the sun is not for you

Maybe your born to love under roaring thunders and angry rains

Just wait, and maybe the stars will come and kiss you.

 

For now, lets pretend everything is in color

Don’t let anyone find a crack on your door.

For they might see the fragile flower

Bathing in sadness near the drawers

Let them see you shine. For now.

Well no one knows that you have the lights on

All they care is how golden you look.

 

 

Darling, people will pretend not to notice

As long as everything seems at peace

Only our minds know the deep secret our hearts hold

And that is better than any gold.

We will not forget , since im also afraid that I will not be ready

So lets stay, inside our room where the corners can keep it safe.

 

If only someone is brave enough,

Brave to get inside the turmoil and chaos in my mind

If that someone can see the darkness in my heart

I wonder it its gonna be alright.

Is it alright darling? To let them in,

Will they understand the lonely corners of my mind.

Im scared, of everything.

Because I know that I will not like the look in their eyes

It mirrors the words that their lips cant say at the moment

And surely it will add a crack on my soul.

 

I choose my mind to keep the secrets of my heart

For my mind knows that my heart needs a diary.

A diary that will be kept hidden

For no one can understand.

 

If one day my mind cant handle it anymore

I hope to cross path with one broken soul whos ready to hear something dark

Something hidden

And something that is definitely unordinary

 

I want to run in field with blue roses

I want to fly above the horizon

Do you wonder how it feels?

Maybe yes or maybe you don’t care

Ive grown to appreciate gray

Getting darker and darker until it turns to black

I think its a lively color

I think its perfect for me

 

 

For now, ill be dancing in the green fields

But only inside my mind

For there is no way I can do that in this world thats not so good to me

Well I will try to get a little hope

So even if it crash me the pain would be little

 

Were getting older darling

And the darkness is getting stronger

Is that how it is

To grow up

To know that fairytales don’t exist

 

Well maybe if fairytales existed

It would be boring, thats why the world choose to be a little bad

If magic can happen I want to be there

I want to experience what it is

Before my heart totally freeze.

The Wrong Side

Anime: Spy x Family

That feeling that youre always misinterpreted, have you felt that? It would be great if you don’t , because let me tell you its awful. It stings. Like burns in the soul. And its never going away. Even how hard you tried to forget about it, it leaves a mark. Or rather a stain.

 

Why is it that people easily brand me of someone im not? How easy is it for them to assume the me which is not me? The me that I don’t want people to think? The me that I hate. Well I guess I always hate the Me’s that existed. I don’t even know which is real because mostly I realized those Me’s are all paper. Easily torn. Can be replaced. Can be faked. Maybe im trying so hard to blend in and the funny thing is I always talk about being the authentic me. But im so fucked up because at the end of the day Im always this desperate girl trying to fit in. That stupid girl doing something that she doesnt want and maybe blame the people on what they have perceived along the way about her, which of course is my fault for being so fabricated. You can laugh because Im so stupid and thats a fact. They are always right. Im desperate.

 

I hate myself so much for being so sensitive at times. Those times when its not necessary. Those times that will make me look like an idiot. Im gonna be like, “Oh I don’t care about what they say.” but im always choking on those words. I ended up processing everything that they say. Over thinking. Well what can I say, its been my hobby. I don’t know how long. It sucks. It hurts.

 

I badly really wanna shout, I want them to know that thats not me, im not that energetic girl they thought, im not an extrovert. I struggle with my words. However, since im trying so bad , maybe not to embarass myself, or maybe to let them know im not stupid, or mostly to stop them from thinking that im too sensitive for this word, that maybe I don’t want to be called “the OA bitch”, I showed the someone that I don’t even know. Or maybe someone that only me knows. I dint even know what the fuck im talking about right now, its awful to be me. In other words maybe I just want someone who can see right through me, who can see how sensitive I am, someone who can hear the loud beating of my heart when im trying to talk to someone for the first time, someone who knows the feeling of cold sweaty palms when im about to start presenting my report. No one. All them thought im this extroverted, trying hard girl in the room. They don’t get me at all. And I don’t like it. I don’t want it.

 

 

In this world, its not easy to say, “Thats not what I mean.” ,” Thats not me.”, “Thats not what I want.” Well maybe in my own world only, because others can easily be their selves, can easily sent their message, easily understood and most of all they knew who they are. Im desperate. Yes I am.

Well people always believe what theyre told to, what they want to, and what society prefers.

 

Im always lying with myself. I hide. I cant even make up my mind. I want to be found but im not doing anything. I can hate myself all I want but that doesnt change the fact that even to myself I am useless.

 

I want to do the things that I want, in my own way. But its always the opposite. Resulting for everyone to evaluate me in a way that I don’t want. Giving life to another me, another fabricated me that I will play for all the time that I am with that group of people. Its tiring because after a ertain the cycle will repeat again. New faces. New character that will be born. Sometimes I wonder maybe I have too many faces. Too many roles. I don’t know which is the real one.

 

Why is it that my action is not really how I want people to see me? Is it possible. Or maybe im just too stupid. My thoughts were too far from what im doing. And I ended up living the character they thought about me. Stupid right? I don’t know anymore.

 

Maybe its better to be hidden than seen. Because in the first place I don’t really know anymore. What should be done, what should be seen and what should be keep hidden. Im confused. Afraid of what theyll say, forgetting what I told myself. Doing something that every normal people would do instead of doing the weird thing that will make me comfortable. Saying yes even though sometimes I really want to tell them no. Expressing myself in a wrong way, which at some point I thought it was the best and ended up not able to express anything. Its makes me want to beat myself sometime every time I talk in a way that I think is great, desperately trying to forget that I am someone who doesnt talk that way, who talks casually instead of using flowery words. It makes me want to puke. But its too late. No matter how much I hate it, how many times I puke Ive already done it. And there is no UNDO button to press. Its never good to be me. Maybe there is someone out there whos as confuse as me. I don’t know. But if there is, I hope youll find what youre looking for, I hope someday youll realize what you really want and I hope you stop hating yourself and live the way you want.

 

Because I cant do it right now. I don’t know when.

 

I want to stop justifying myself. I don’t want to be confused anymore. I don’t want to think at all. I want to stop trying to please people. I don’t want this.

 

I hate this.

I hate me.

 

I don’t want this anymore.

 

I cant.

I don’t know when.

 

I hate me.

ME.

ME.

 

 

 

I want to hide from me.

 

Away.

 

Sealed.

 

 

The Joker

 Have you ever tell a joke and look bad because of it? Even if you just do it because they make fun of you first? We are trapped in a fucking society where we always “need to respect” the elders? But I think their should be exceptions for that “rule”. Not because your younger you cant defend yourself against then and not because they’re older they can make fun of you always and just shrug about it like its the most normal thing to do.

 

 Its fucked up that they can insult or humiliate you like you have given them a right to do so, and have their own fun and expect you to be okay with all of it.Just one word from you and they’ll look at you like your the most awful thing they’ve seen. They consider your little joke as something that shouldnt been said in the first place. Your actions will be calculated by the judges living in their eyes. They want to have their own laugh and you are the subject, which is so fucked up, no one has the right to do that. They want to laugh their asses off yet they wont let you have even a small chuckle. When in fact, your joke was only a little better than the corniest joke they might have heard, no one will ever get insulted, hurt or humiliated since you knew yourself it will take a toll on you. Thats not the case for them. They just don’t care at all.

 

 You can no longer count the times their “jokes” humiliated , bruised your ego, dissipate your hard earned confidence and as someone as kind as you are you cant even disrespect them. You never knew that coming up with a rebuttal that is nothing compared to the humor they have, to only counter that joke who scarred you again would be a big deal. Who knows that this is so hard?

Why are laughs seems so expensive?

 Why ca someone afford it while I cant?

 Why is it so hard to tell them its not funny anymore?

Why is it so hard to let them stop?

I, have never thought that adults can be like that?it seems my own expectations hurt me again.

 

That joke was clearly on me.

 

How I wish its not this difficult to laugh.

im the worst

 Here I am again feeling pathetic and feeling so low about myself. I hate it. I am envious which I shouldnt be and I cant help it. And I feel so worst. Like im a trash. Now I strongly believe that no matter how good a person is, how hard she/he tries to liv in the most righteous way, something from the dark called envy will always finds a way especially if you have lived being compared in such a cruel world. You’ll get to point of being bad.

 

I act like im hungry for attention. I always denied it but deep inside I know thats its true no matter what the excuses would be. I don’t want it but its like a disease creeping in. As embarrassed as I am I cant do anything. All I can do is agree with the darkness creeping in. What would you expect if youve been living for almost all of you’re life being compared.

 

Having a twin is not easy and happy like what others think especially if you possess all the negative facts. Is it okay to ask for something equal?

I always ask myself.

We have the same face-they say--, same actions at times and almost the same opinions on every issue but im always in the shadows.

Why is that?

Where am I lacking?

 

But in the end I always realize that im no better and I cant defeat her.

The light on her is brighter than what I have or if im honest I really cant be her. I don’t have what she had. Maybe, our differences only ends in our faces. But sometimes, I doubt it also.

 

We have the same face yet she looks so pretty while I look like trash. No matter how dark the circles around her eyes was she still shines, her photos where perfect while mine look like a trying hard silly girl. She has plenty of ideas while I stood in the sidelines with nothing, no originality and cant think of anything. she can lead while im useless, someone who others in the room would take a glance during leader selection. She was loved, adored and admired first. And I can only step towards the dark after someone notice whos that girl that exactly looks like her.

 

I started to compare even my pictures with hers. I started to stop taking photos of myself, even scared to take an ID picture and she always says how horrible she look. I always check her photos, how can she say that? When in fact the camera loves her. Well, ever since I have a very low self esteem, I am not blaming her but it just gets worst. The fact that she doesnt know hurts. I am dependent to her like how shadows were supposed to. Maybe im a masochist.

 

Shes always there, she showed support at times , she talks to me over some things that other wouldnt understand maybe because we always have the same in mind. Always. And because, unconsciously she has become my role model.

 

Her styles inspire me, her ideas sometimes makes me survive. And sad to say, I sometimes badly want to be her.

 

I want t be alone, but at the end of the day, im thankful since she understands me the most.

Times when I feel so lucky comes but in every bliss that I thought, it always ends in the same page. I was always drag to the dark by my own mind. Trapped and suffocated. So dark that I can curse myself. I know that im not that attention seeker girl. I always want to stay in the quiet zone but in everything I think there is always an exception. Shes the only one who can turn me into someone I don’t wanna be. The evil in me smiles.

She makes me crave for the same affection, the same look she gets from everyone whos excited to listen to her, I yearn for the mind that she had, the face she wore because even if I look at it we are so different. Her smile seems ready while I always look awkward. Her frank attitude that is not afraid to say no at times and how she can stand up for what she believed in.

 

I hate myself for trying so hard to copy her always when it happens, and in return I always took the blow since no one understands. People starts assuming that I am that person and I cant tell them im not. The result is always me losing. Always me being pathetic, and sometimes without any choices I started to pretend that im really that person they thought I was. And there is no going back.

 

They cant see what I want them to see. And I ended up being an actor trying hard to blend in. Why is it so hard?

Its always getting worst. There is no way out.

DROWNING

I think im drowning. This feeling has always been here. I don’t even remember when it started, sometimes I can feel that its in my head, or sometimes just somewhere near or lurking in the shadows. All I know is im craving for air to breath or a hand that will pull me up when im almost reaching the bottom. And the truth is, I only knew it when I can no longer breath it seems that I always notice it too late. In the middle of nowhere or in between solitude.

 

Im not good at handling things, decisions , problems, company or any inf=d of relationships, may it be romantic or platonic. I always get tired. So easily. Always finding things boring or even lifeless, and I know I need to go because its eating me up.and worst, every time I always lost a part of myself, my confidence, my directions , and self esteem. And I always catch my breath trying to find the air and the light. Thats when I know im drowning. Again.

 

Memories tends to perished, its seems to be that its made only to be enjoyed once and the rest would be stardust. Feelings would be a once in a lifetime luxury, a minute of euphoria and it would be nice to capture it like what others do but it seems that I don’t have the privileige. For me its just a tick of the clock or I can put it like a stopwatch, maybe given a minute or just a few seconds only. So I need to enjoy it while its happening. Is it to bad to get a piece to be kept? Sometimes its an advantage but not all the time. If only I could select what to keep and what to lose. And I turn out to be pathetic with no feelings or even memories to say I live.

 

Imagine the feeling of wanting something so bad, feeling the love towards something and then find out that you don’t want it anymore. Im not spoiled, oh how I wish I was, but that feeling that you’re getting tired of something you though you like is simply absurd that I want to curse myself. Why do I always wants to run away and not mind anything.I cant find the finish line.

 

A few months ago, that damn feelings of being out of breath is pulling me too hard unlike the previous cases so I decided to take a leap not minding how high or what could be the possible damage after I fall. I quit. I escaped. Im tired. They don’t understand how I badly wanted to breath. Im incompetent in their eyes but they don’t know much I want to hide. Maybe im wasting time, would it be bad if I know I needed this? I need to jump to break free from that feeling before I totally disappear. And I know I wont regret it. Shitty as I am , I still feel restless, awful and pathetic. What do I really want? How can someone understand if I don’t even fucking understand me and myself. Now im starting to frown again without any direction and no where to hold.

 

I thought I already escape the trigger of this feelings but theyre always everywhere. They are here. Running away by quitting my job to avoid the stress and the toxic work environment because it also is one of the triggers. But why does anxiety never goes away? Why do I feel like the tide is washing me away from the shore? Maybe because I took over thinking as my favorite hobby but what I can do? I tried some ways to avoid it but it keeps on hunting me. I don’t know. Its getting worse and worse. I don’t know. I can even think of even a half ass reason why.

 

Maybe because this time I don’t have a goal in mind. Im almost dine with school all I need is to process everything for graduation. I did before since I know thats the best revenge for those who threw insults at me. A diploma. Maybe they wont treat me as little as before. But now since its done all I want is to sleep. Im tired. And im not literally not doing anything.maybe because my soul is tired.

 

 

--- Swadee **

4/3/22.I think im drowning. This feeling has always been here. I don’t even remember when it started, sometimes I can feel that its in my head, or sometimes just somewhere near or lurking in the shadows. All I know is im craving for air to breath or a hand that will pull me up when im almost reaching the bottom. And the truth is, I only knew it when I can no longer breath it seems that I always notice it too late. In the middle of nowhere or in between solitude.

 

Im not good at handling things, decisions , problems, company or any inf=d of relationships, may it be romantic or platonic. I always get tired. So easily. Always finding things boring or even lifeless, and I know I need to go because its eating me up.and worst, every time I always lost a part of myself, my confidence, my directions , and self esteem. And I always catch my breath trying to find the air and the light. Thats when I know im drowning. Again.

 

Memories tends to perished, its seems to be that its made only to be enjoyed once and the rest would be stardust. Feelings would be a once in a lifetime luxury, a minute of euphoria and it would be nice to capture it like what others do but it seems that I don’t have the privilege. For me its just a tick of the clock or I can put it like a stopwatch, maybe given a minute or just a few seconds only. So I need to enjoy it while its happening. Is it to bad to get a piece to be kept? Sometimes its an advantage but not all the time. If only I could select what to keep and what to lose. And I turn out to be pathetic with no feelings or even memories to say I live.

 

Imagine the feeling of wanting something so bad, feeling the love towards something and then find out that you don’t want it anymore. Im not spoiled, oh how I wish I was, but that feeling that you’re getting tired of something you though you like is simply absurd that I want to curse myself. Why do I always wants to run away and not mind anything.I cant find the finish line.

 

A few months ago, that damn feelings of being out of breath is pulling me too hard unlike the previous cases so I decided to take a leap not minding how high or what could be the possible damage after I fall. I quit. I escaped. Im tired. They don’t understand how I badly wanted to breath. Im incompetent in their eyes but they don’t know much I want to hide. Maybe im wasting time, would it be bad if I know I needed this? I need to jump to break free from that feeling before I totally disappear. And I know I wont regret it. Shitty as I am , I still feel restless, awful and pathetic. What do I really want? How can someone understand if I don’t even fucking understand me and myself. Now im starting to frown again without any direction and no where to hold.

 

I thought I already escape the trigger of this feelings but theyre always everywhere. They are here. Running away by quitting my job to avoid the stress and the toxic work environment because it also is one of the triggers. But why does anxiety never goes away? Why do I feel like the tide is washing me away from the shore? Maybe because I took over thinking as my favorite hobby but what I can do? I tried some ways to avoid it but it keeps on hunting me. I don’t know. Its getting worse and worse. I don’t know. I can even think of even a half ass reason why.

 

Maybe because this time I don’t have a goal in mind. Im almost dine with school all I need is to process everything for graduation. I did before since I know thats the best revenge for those who threw insults at me. A diploma. Maybe they wont treat me as little as before. But now since its done all I want is to sleep. Im tired. And im not literally not doing anything,.maybe because my soul is tired.

 

 

--- Swadee **

4/3/22.

FEAR

 When I was still working, back in my call centers day I always get low survey scores, so the effect would always be attending a short meeting with an English trainer since as what my supervisor say it will help me get a better result next time but of course I doubt that will happen. If you don’t know I think I’m famous enough already in the company or for those who know me either my team mates, previous supervisors, account coordinator and of course Quality Assurance specialist as the Irate agent. So in short, I always have a rebuttal especially for customers who they call “Karen” . Yes, that’s one of my toxic trait, I don’t have the patience that others have. One insult and boom! One shout and here comes the sarcasm. So yeah that’s me! Ill tell you about that some other time.

 

There’s this time, in a short meeting with the trainer which I already forgot the name, ask me some random question only instead of lecturing me the same things over and over again. Which I really like considering that its an after shift session where agents are expected as sleepy, groggy and cant definitely understand a boring throwback lecture. One of her question was “Whats your greatest fear?”

 

If your going to be ask what would be your answer. Maybe you can answer it in a few seconds right? You’ll say death, snakes or even accidents. But on that time , it seems that I was the only one who cant answer. It seems that for others the question would be like the same when someone ask you what your favorite color. But for me I found myself thinking hard, nothing comes to mind. Even my fright for snakes didn’t come to mind that time. My mind wandered more than the question ask, It didn’t answer in a way that was expected. Its really weird , it seems that the trainer might think that im an over thinker which in fact is true. As I recall, I was thinking that time what was the fear in my heart more than the most obvious one. So my answer came out like I was being interviewed in an all about life program.

 

 

“ Maybe to die without accomplishing something.” That was my answer to the question. I forgot about the trainers reaction already but after the meeting ended even I myself realized that was the time I admitted my greatest fear. I don’t fear death like most of the majority. If its meant for you to live long then good, but if its your time then you cant do anything about it. You may have heard about it already, it was an old saying from the grandmothers but I fully agree with it. Not accomplishing anything meant you haven’t served your purpose in this lifetime. You havent lived. And it seems your space in this lifetime is a waste. You can disagree with me but thats what I thought especially if you havent lived your life without relying on others. Life was given to find purpose or be full of purpose. As for me , im saying this right now but im also ashamed since I also didn’t know right now what the fuck am I doing.

-- Swadee *

3/31/22.