CLOUDY

 

 

Today, 27^th of March 2022 1:37 in the afternoon I was ready to eat my lunch for the day. Woke up around 9 A.m., have my 3 hour breakfast so lunch is expected to be around 2 in the afternoon. Not so usual right? We a different time for that. Gloomy as the sky, my heart can relate, I mean not just today my heart is always gloomy. But unlike the weather it always has been this way, no sunny days, maybe a bit of autumn a times or a little spring. I don’t know anymore.

 

 Its been almost 3 months after I left my job but I dot have it in me to start again. Am I pathetic? I'm a loser and again I don’t know anymore. Those who quit after me already started their new career in the same field but only in another company and I'm still here trying to wrap my head in everything. I'm pretty sure they’ve been thinking how incompetent I am, irresponsible and doesn't care about a thing. I can agree with the first and the last but not the responsibility part, I don’t have any obligations so far, I'm just waiting for graduation and I have my savings for that, I don’t spend money like before when I am still employed, I don’t do online shopping anymore, and I think that is responsible enough. I know what I can only do at the moment.

 

I am incompetent maybe because I don’t have the motivation others have, that is one of the reason I can think of , or if I am to be honest I'm afraid that maybe this is really me. Maybe I am really someone who doesn't think of the future , and as much as I want to deny it, that is true. I don’t see myself in a way that others are see their self, I don’t have plans like how others planned their future in 10 or 20 years, all I have is tomorrow , months I guess when I badly want to see a movie and the trailer is out knowing that it will be months away or a concert of an artist I badly want. I sometimes laugh at myself, maybe others will say how comfortable my life is without worrying about my future, how confident I am , how secured or how carefree. But the truth is , it always makes me wonder, “ Why am I like this?” sometimes I get tired of letting myself believe in all my excuses, I pity myself, my body for having a dumb soul, lifeless, no future just no direction. Living life for this long with the mindset I have really makes me think “ Why am I even here?” Maybe I've waste my time to much, maybe this life is not meant for the soul I have.

 

Living life with no direction is exhausting, especially if you don’t have answers to your own question. As Christopher Robin said, “ Doing nothing leads to the very best something.” I surely loved that quote but maybe its not always the case . Maybe I like it since its giving me another excuse to not face the tide which is life. What a shame! I'm such a joke.

 

As the sun starts smiling right now, I'm still stuck in my cloudy world. I keep thinking these past few days that time is running and I'm getting really useless, I cant even start doing the things I want , the ideas I have before passing my resignation letter. And I totally hate me for that. Bit as usual , the loser me is still writing,  finding excuses, doing other unnecessary things , procrastinating, since that's why I do best. I don’t feel the fire to get a new job, I don’t want to try since I know its not gonna work since I'm so out of it, I will be wasting my efforts, my confidence( if I have those which I ,doubt since I cant even imagine myself in another interview). I don’t really know. Its funny how hard it is for me to even answer a question I had for myself. “WHY?” Why don’t I think like a normal person, maybe my brain is dead. Why cant I find any motivation? Well, what is motivation for me anyway., why cant I think of my future? Maybe I don’t really have that in line for me. Too many questions, maybe others will think how dumb, how little , how not needed those questions are or they could just easily answer it in a few seconds or they'll just simply laugh how bullshit it sounds wondering why someone like me find it hard to answer a simple query. I don’t know. I don’t fuckin know.

 

FRIENDS???

 

Do you ever know someone who will send you a message just to use “you” , your name just for their own benefit? If you have encountered these kind of people then I can definitely relate. The reason why  their parents don’t trust them anymore is them. Breaking someone’s trust is always the worst , especially when its your parents, but of course it is happening outside the homes too, everyone can experience this, either you can break someone's trust or you’ll lost the trust you have for them, its just that it always comes to worst on parents. Well, I cant 100 % relate, since we are not that open with each other and it was a long time since I lived with them but still I can imagine it, and I know I wouldn't want it if ever that the situation is different with my situation right now but yes , I have my tiny share too, I remember going home drunk when I was 16. Back when my mother is still with us. You'll get reprimanded and they will look at you not the same way before. Right?

 

There are those who have broken their parents trust not just once but about a dozen times already and still act like they’re being bullied by their parents, or maybe act like the situation is not getting better and will always say that maybe they just don’t have luck with the kind of parents they have. And that's really one hell of bullshit to take. I just cant take it. You’re lucky enough if your parents are still with you, might be living in the same house or just simply being alive even if they're old and cant carry you in their arms anymore.

Anime: The Genius Prince Guide to Raising a Nation Out if Debt

For those who still have this privilege , you are lucky and you should treasure it as much as you’re heart can hold.

 

Making a mistake is normal, we should learn from it and put it behind our back after not do it again and again. Doing it again is being stupid and you know it but you’re still providing excuses to justify it. Worst is, someone can just lie easily to get what they want even compromising their parents trust that is already broken. Imagine a broken thing getting smashed again? Is it hard to at least forget about nonsense whims? For your mother. And you want someone to cover up for you? You want someone to lie for you and fool your mother? She didn’t even judge you after what happened? After you left here heart broken and her mind wary of worrying over you while you are flirting with a guy whose not even worthy? Did she judge you? No. Did she kick you out? No. She still supported you and even pay your tuition fee, even after lying that you enrolled in that semester when in fact all you did was waste her money , helped you when you decided to quit your job and was still even their when you got another job. SHE IS STILL THERE. AND WILL ALWAYS BE THERE. And you know what? That's what I envy about you, you have a very strong woman beside you. Even when I'm visiting often but I can feel her care and her vast understanding. But I don’t understand why you can lie to her that easily? Why do you keep repeating the same mistakes?

 

And don’t regret saying NO to any request especially if that will hurt someone who doesn’t deserve the pain. I wont lie to the old woman to cover for you, first, she doesn’t deserve to be fooled and second, I don't think you treated me as a friend more like someone that you can used whenever you can. I will always say NO since its clear as day that you’re just using me. I hope one day you'll see how hard it is for her getting lied to by her own daughter. How she keeps her disappointments to herself to avoid hurting you. She's always smiling wanting the best for you. How can you be awful?

 

To someone out there, if ever you feel that somebody is using you for their own convenience don’t be afraid to say NO. Nobody has the right to make someone their doormat and no parents or someone who is capable of love deserve to get hurt. Don’t be afraid to walk away especially if that can help someone keep their smile. Stop wasting your time on someone who only remembers to call you if ever they need someone to do their dirty tricks. Someone who will made you lie to her mother so she can meet up with her friends and just leave you alone like you don’t matter? Wake up and don’t be afraid to lose someone along the way, its always the best who stays.

 

 

-- Swadee x.x

3/18/22. 

HUMANS AND DEMON LORDS

                        Anime: Standing on A Million Lives

I hate humans. Yeah, you’re laughing, thinking im condemning my own race. But did you ever wonder why? Am I the only one? Have you watched an anime series where its all about the hero-church people-versus-demon lords fighting? And have you thought about why they want to exterminate the human race? You might say that I watched too much animes or read enough mangas or stories. I can consider myself a mid-level otaku, minus the cosplay and everything that is customized. Im collecting merch and im inlove with a lot of fictional characters. Back to what I was saying, demon lords don’t just hate humans, they always have a reason. It might not still be able to justify their actions but you cant blame them and I believe that all this reason can actually be the same with the real life except demon lords don’t exist only unfortunate souls. Betrayal always comes first, then discrimination. This happens not only in animes or novels or movies, I think you might have come across with it already. Didn’t you?

 

Humans not only betrayed their own kind, they can abandon their pets, they can even shatter someone else dream as long as they can pull their selves up. Imagine being abandoned without knowing the reason, waiting for a return that is unsure. Humans are greedy, not contented with the success they have turning to yearning of perfection, always acts superior even with nature acting like they don’t care but when karma strikes they usually just find something to blame. They need to accept that the universe can just easily crush them, instead all they do is act high and mighty developing something that is not really necessary. Yes, I hate my own kind. Call me anything but thats what I felt, I don’t know if were the same but think about it. Imagine someone who will all act goody and nice just because they need something from you and because they know your the best candidate to help save their ass out. Being considerate and providing the help I can, giving advice, instructions and even examples when in fact those assholes just want you do all the job instead. They couldve told me that they want to sleep and let you do all the hussle. I hate it. I liked those who are aware that theyre being used and can confidently decline, you don’t need to feel guilty you did great and its for you, you dont need to have those heavy feelings , turning down someone who is capable for something that theyre asking for is not a crime, you need to go away if need just to avoid those who wants to treat you low. Youre not someones doormat. They need to know how to put effort, ransack their brain for that fuckin research paper, they need to know their place, its not okay just to say “OKAY” everytime. They are always the ones with all these dramas about how hard when in fact all they do is spend their time on TikTok feeling all that sad girl vibe. Fuck! They don’t even know how hard it is to earn for the daily expenses and rent and tuition fees and now theyre acting so low when in fact its her mother paying for her school fees, I cant even imagine how bullshit it is to have your mother worried about you and their you are wasting her money chasing some guy that not even worth it. Well, I don’t care just don’t involve me in any of your dramas ,I don’t give a fuck ,im just concerned about your mother. Why cant they realize theyre being unfair?

 

They cant even understand your silence and here you are listening to their late nights play. Im not asking for anything in return God knows that just a little bit of common sense for them to know that they need to be sensitive. And bear in mind , that its okay to cut them off. Permanently.

 

-- Swadee-

3/3/22. 

Quitter

 Its been 3 days since I officially quit my job but I still havent tell a single soul well except those who already knows, my former sup , my sister, and 3 other beings. Well I don’t really know. Im not worried about money right now, Ive been thinking about how to tell them but I cant even think of a way. Maybe because I didn’t know why im having a hard time spilling it. I keep asking how it was so easy for others to tell someone whatever decision they have or they have done. 4 years and a half is not a joke and for sure I am aware of it. Others might say im being impractical, well I cant argue with that since that is true. I might come out as impulsive well maybe, but Ive been thinking about it got the last few months, maybe a year ago. Im the kind that gets bored easily, I don’t socialize or what others say make many friends. I cant do that because well as ive said I lost interest. Yes, especially people. Sometimes theyre just too easy to read, one glance and youll know theyre not gonna stay for long. Like seasons. Back to quitting  my job , the plan was to wait until March, since that is the time for graduation but of course shit happens, I took it as a sign, funny and impulsive you may say but yes I did. My attitude hits back in an ugly way I don’t know how many times. Maybe because im already stuck. I dont find it worth staying for like before that I can still force myself to carry on with the job and so I quit. Loser right? You know that feeling that your earning you can buy what interest you, or if not right away I know I can save for it. My previous teammate told me that I shouldnt feel “napagiiwanan” since I sent my self to school alone at that, I have a job while others are fighting for it, I can even call my self professional and I should be proud knowing how independent I can be. But why does it feels like I still don’t have any direction? Why am I lost?

 

I quit my job in Cebu because I know I need to grow. And looking back that was one of the best decision it leads me to where I am today. Following my rejections after, I decided to go and send myself to college so one day I can proudly say I made it. So one day those rejections will no longer hurt me and those who insulted and didn’t believe will at least regret what they’ve said before. Yes, others may say that is wrong because I was aiming for revenge but for me it doesnt matter because thats what pushed me to carry on the job even if I know im not fit for it. Imagine how a person that doesnt like talking to someone shes not comfortable with, a person who doesnt say hi unless someone came to her first, a person who doesnt have enough patience to even repeat what she had said has become a call center agent for almost 5 freakin years. Well , I was going on about this because maybe I was still trying to justify the decision I made. Whats funny is I don’t even know why im explaining, why I was so hesitant to tell them and why I am still thinking what others may think.  One thing im sure is I wont regret it, It might have come early than planned but I know this is what I want. And you know whats stupid about it, I always convince myself and I even gave advice not to think what other people say but in the end im always the one getting slap by it, I came to realize that ive always been thinking about the disappointment that I will hear or maybe see. Why is it always hard to do what you want and just let the others fuck off? Why?

 

 

 

By Swadee . 1/16/22

How to Dream?

  

Have you ever asked about your purpose in this lifetime? Well I always asked myself about that. Maybe because I really don’t have a very clear idea why I’m here. Others at my age always have this idea of what they really want in the future, it might be being a nurse or a doctor or sometimes an engineer or a teacher. It feels like I was still in the middle of nowhere thinking what would be the next step, still doubting the possibilities if I choose to remain standing on where I am located or go left or right. Or maybe begin to wander and take the chance to discover myself If I go on. It feels like I don’t really have any direction at all.

 

I was thinking that maybe if I have a more privileged environment, just maybe I could grasp this dream I would really want. Living independently and getting a job to live is also a bribed to forget that dream. But on my case I don’t really care at first because in the first place I don’t have this so called dream. When I was young I actually could remember that I used to play as a teacher I still have this little notebook where I wrote all the imaginary student’s name and put some scores to record pretending its my class record. When I was growing up I realize I don’t want to be a teacher anymore, well, maybe because I’m already aware of what there job is or maybe teaching and being with these kids is really not my thing. To be honest, I’m really not into kids or children and especially babies. I was so bad back then that we always bullied our 2 cousins. I’m also not a fan of babies like almost all the people because they actually annoy the hell out of me. They’re so loud and you need to be with them always. In my entire life , I have never held a baby.

 

Back to the purpose thing, when I was in elementary I would always like to write short stories and I keep on doing that until early years in high school. I still have this story I started writing when I was 15 and it was still in chapter 2. I always hate myself because I know I wanted to finish it but I wasn’t able to. It was still my dream since then and I still wanted to do it until now. I’ve had a few stories in my mind and I really wanted my thoughts and idea came to life or put it in a paper. I’ve had multiple stories in my old notebooks waiting to be completed. And then again it drew up this question, “ Is this really want I want?” if Yes then why cant I even find the drive to proceed.

 

I can’t exactly figured out the reason that I cant even continue doing what I really want. I’m actually lost and I hate my self for being dumb and not being able to do anything. I was in the middle of my lifetime and it would be too late for me not to figure out what will I do with my life. For damned sake I’m not a teenager anymore. it actually occurs to me that your status also plays a big part on your dreams or figuring out how you want your life to be. Have you seen rich and more privileged people can get exactly what they want. They have this is so called power to be more driven. For an instance a rich kid wants to sing, the parents would immediately find a good workshop place to enhance the child’s voice even though it’s not that good compared to a child in the province. The parents of that child would often tell them to focus on something that can help in the future like finding a job that can support them and immediately that dream will soon fade out and the child will only sing in the bathroom. See? It was also heartbreaking that on the future that rich child will be seen in rehab. People like us who is not so privileged in this life needs to focus on the things like finding a living to survive and soon setting aside what we want. But I’m not making it an excuse that we are not rich that we cant get our dream I was just hoping it would be great if all these people have the chance to be guided accordingly on what they really want. It would be great if we can fly towards our destination without minding what will happen tomorrow.

 

I don’t want to put a limitation on dreams. I think it would be perfect to dream as much as you want because there is also a million possibilities that awaits. I have this crazy dream of travelling the world ever since I was young. It would be nice to fall in love with different places and culture. Meeting people in different countries would be amazing too and of course getting to taste all the good food the globe can offer. For now, I will also work hard to finish this dream that I started. After graduating I can figure out what to do with the degree I’ve got. They asked me before, “ What’s your goal?” and I replied, “ I want to be the boss of myself.” And I think I can do it this time.

 

 

--- S W A D E E x.x ***  10/14/19

LOVE YOURSELF FIRST

 I’ve choose to be alone because I know that I can save my heart in doing so. Being in a place where there is a lot of crowd doesn’t guarantee that it will truly make you happy. Being with yourself helps you know how you can be better without the help of others. For others, it may sound dumb but for me its the best way to be yourself. We all deserve to be loved but first we must also learn and never forget to love our self first.

 

There is nothing wrong in putting our self first. As long as were not hurting anyone and as long as you know in yourself that you deserve that treatment. We can love someone or something but we must not compromise the love that we can give to ourselves. They say, “LOVE is the most beautiful and important discovery.” Well I may say that I can agree with that. It would be more beautiful if we can find it in the right place, right time and especially with the right person.

 

They say that in order for you to find that someone you must also find a way and not just wait for it since they believe that you cant find it if you’re not putting any efforts on finding it. Well for me, you must trust GOD’S timing and it will be more beautiful. After destiny brought you to where you’re supposed to be then you can do your part and do everything to keep it. But then again we must remember to love our self first. Don’t be afraid if love fails ,it happens for a reason. If you know your worth then surely you can find that certain person God has reserved for you. Don’t be in a hurry, the perfect love story takes time.

 

Fall in love with someone who sees you soul. Someone who makes you smile not just make you laugh.I’ve read somewhere to fall in love with a soul not just the body which I surely would give a thumbs up. It would be amazing to meet that person who can see right through you without giving a hint or some words. That person who actually can see right through your very own soul. Its like memorizing the shades of your eyes and analyzing what mood you are in. It might be bored , sleepy , frustrated or just plain stupid sometimes.I would surely be glad and excited to meet that person.

 

Well of course, I also believed that you can actually get this bliss alone. Like enjoying your favorite ice cream in your favorite place, drinking your coffee in one the new coffee shop in town or might be falling in love with the sound of the rain even when sometimes you actually hate it. But my favorite is of course crying my eyes out when watching a sad movie. Well that may include every movies with dogs being the hero and on every tear-jerking movie about young love and tragic ending which I honestly love. And never forget a romantic anime movie which shatter your heart and break your soul.

 

That just some of the few things that others actually missed out due to being absorbed by the cruel world. Others begged for love when the truth is they know in their selves that they are more. They always tired their hearts out and always forget to water their soul. They always wait for that infamous knight in shining armor who will actually swept them off their feet when the truth is that fictional prince is out there just waiting for some damsel in distress to fall over their feet. Yes Dear, the world is unfair and it will always be. Remember Scar?

 

It would be great if love often comes in an easy way however that would be really boring. Just try to dance inside your room in the music inside your head. Experiment with your hairstyle but don’t go too far or maybe try burning your house down by trying to get your masterpiece straight from the oven in a form of your favorite chocolate chip cookie which you already tried a hundred times baking but doesn’t always looks like a cookie. Or maybe just try to focus on getting those goals first pasted on your wall. Then maybe, I’m damn sure that you will now exactly know how priceless you are and no one can measure your worth because you knew from the start that your one of a kind and you will be always worth it. There’s nothing in loving and putting yourself first especially if you know it would be for the best. Well, I believe in what Maleficent says,” Love doesn’t always ends well.” If that happens you still have yourself, SCRATCHED but still BEAUTIFUL. <3

 

 

-- S W A D E E x.x ***

Written on 10/14/19.

Confrontations are Hard for Introverts

  

It’s funny how we always end doing the things were trying to avoid. I always have this mantra that if someone feels bad about something especially if it involves a certain person, that someone should tell the person what's wrong about them instead of ghosting or ignoring the person. You know what's funnier? I'm not that braved. I really, really want to do a confrontation especially if the situation is getting worse but In the end I always wait for things to go on their own. Loser right? It was terrible and I exactly know the feeling as well if a certain person totally ignores without telling or giving a hint on what's wrong. But maybe there are things that are better to be left unsaid. I know now and I perfectly understand why others are struggling to tell someone how irritating they are or how much they hate a certain person. And I also know how empty someone can feel if somebody starts ignoring them like strangers in a cross roads. I actually don’t like that scenario because for me it would have a big and negative impact how you see yourself. As for me, it always makes me think that I’m not good enough and I might be too insensitive and that I might be too cruel with someone.

 

The feeling that I have right at this moment can be compared to big fat hypocrite. I cant find the courage to tell her how I end up not greeting her on the hallway, how I stop liking her post and how I fast I turn around when she's on the way. Well maybe because they might think that I’m overacting because for her it might be a joke but for me it looks like she crossed the line there. Well this is so not me. I don’t defend a colleague and I don’t get angry because of a certain person its just that the joke went too far and I don’t like it even though the insulted ass is not me but it particularly refers on how choose people around me and I don’t like it. So I ignored the bitch and maybe she noticed since after a few days she approached me. And that’s the time I felt how it is for those who suddenly shuts off others. Maybe its about the timing, I don’t feel the urge of confronting her but it doesn’t mean that I wont. But now, she completely ignores me as well. And I’m not me if I will be the one who’ll chase after these. So let it be.

 

I’m still proud how I suddenly notice that this is not what I believe in. But maybe we really cant tell unless where on the same shoes they were in. I don’t know how it goes but yeah maybe we can figure it out. As for me, I don’t actually give a damn since I feel like I have the right to still feel that way because in the first place I was insulted and worst it makes me feel that someone always have the right to criticize my choices. I’m a liar if I will deny that I don’t judge others but at least I know when to shut my mouth off.

 

 

 

                           ~~ Swadee x_x `]

 

 

2/5/2020.