Feb and March✨watching anime movies, sunsets and seafoods 🍤, photos

If Wishes do really come true

 hi there. nevermind. im 99 % sure no one is reading this shit but just in case. 

Tomorrow is the last day of the current year. Still me. Pathetic, unemployed still not a risk taker obviously and almost out of confidence. If only i knew that this is how my life will turn out i would have been a cloud or something just to avoid being human. And yes, btw i still dont like my own kind. 

so, the year is ending, no record breaking changes for me and about less than 48 hours to new year here i am feeling my heart hurts. Literally. Why do people make bad stupid decisions and find something or someone to blame? Humans have the heart and especially the brain to know exactly what they were doing and the decisions theyre making. in short they knew right from wrong. its just bullshit why they still choose to trampled on others, be stupid enough that i want to end them even of we were blood related. i hate them . They make matters worst and blame you in everything. Like what the hell? Suck it up asshole its you and your stupid ass decision. 

I always hate to be blame by something i didnt do. Especially if i know that i already made or did my part. Why would they blame the world if they're the one putting theirselves in such bullshit situations? Theyve got brains but theyre surely a big idiot. And i dont care about that toxic culture, "No matter what happens, your family." I dont give a damn People should stop tolerating someone just because you belong to the same fucking family tree. If you choose to commit something that can hurt someone and is obviously a big type of stupidity then i hate you no matter who you are, and dont blame me or put some salt on me, trying to play the fucking victim. It wont work on me. When i hate you, i hate you. Yes thats me. I am horrible. At least i refuse to be taken advantage.

Occasions like this are always celebrated in this country or to almost all of my kind. But there might be something in this fuck up life of mine that every time there is something to be celebrated i always ends up getting frustrated and just want to forget everything and sleep and never wake up. Every freaking time. Birthday. Christmas. New year or even  on days i thought might be different from all the days.

As i said if i will be given a chance to leave everything behind i would definitely do it. Forget everything and hope that my dogs will be safe. Even if im no longer there.

IF WISHES DO REALLY COME TRUE and if there is really someone who can hear it. Please i dont want this same pain in my next life. 

Wednesday

 Kids are always asked what will they want to be when theyre older. What would be their dream job. Their goals. We all became kids at some point. Once. Others were lucky while of course there those who just wants to get old right away. Well for me, there are memories I would like to keep but I cant say I love my childhood wholeheartedly. I have some traumatizing experiences and unfortunately unlike some other kids that eventually forgot about that part of their lives I just cant. I have a very poor memory but heavy things and memories have the power to stay. I don’t know if its a curse or maybe I should be thankful about it. After all vengeance, hatred are what motivates me.

 

 

Most girls want to be successful, pretty and famous when they grow up. Well I want success but nothing else. This is me, someone who doesnt have the luxury to dream of how should I treat my skin or what make up and dresses are in. Im not that kind of girl. And im glad im different.

They may want to be miss Universe or a muse or some talented popstar. But all I can remember when I was at that age was how to become rich and travel the world.

 

So while others dreamt of that disney life or be taylor swift here I am wanting to be Wednesday Addams.

 

I first watched that weird family in an animated series, and I know instantly that they will be my favorite family. No human dramas. Which I like, and Wednesday will always be my favorite girl. Alone, fierce, savage and doesnt like humans. Well the only difference is, I love animals and she don’t.

 

Morbid thoughts, that was how bright minds work for me. No unnecessary drama. Far from living from that candy coated world others like to live in, not optimistic enough to ruin my day.

 

But of course, everyone can never be the same, even if we can compare ourselves to a fictional character. Wednesday has the confidence I don’t have. I don’t like myself. She can be so smart that its scary but im not. Yes I can be frank at times only, she has the talent to always speak her mind in everything and every situation and I often kept it to myself.

 

Im not afraid to be alone and im proud of that but it would be great if I have the power to seek justice for myself. Im not afraid of the dark , I find comfort in it. But I don’t have any special talents I can be proud of. Maybe except for being irritatingly socially awkward that I wanted to punch myself every time. I wish I could be more prouder.

 

 

Push me

 Time check. Another evening, another day. down to the last 2 months of the calendar. But im still shitty as I am. No fucking achievements, no improvements just nothing. Still finding the right answer to why I am like this. To why am I feeling this way. Why my mind runs in different way, not so similar to others. Why is everything pointless. Can I get away?

 

A month ago, I ventured on one of my greatest escape, and im glad it happened. We attended the concert ive been waiting for the past 2 years. And im glad that my sister have given me the opportunity, but at the same time I realized again how pathetic and trashy I am. Compared to her. I always told my self that I am not someone who will impose on others but funny thing, I am exactly a trash right now. Nothing. How did it end up like this?

 

Maybe because the only thing I planned after I quit was how to get out of that hell, I didn’t think of the other hell waiting for me. Im so confident that Ill get the peace I badly want but as shitty as my life , why did I expect? Its not changing it just showered me more anxiety that im still exhausted as ever. Im stuck. Like how my novel is still stuck at chapter 5. like before. I lost the drive. Im trying to catch up but I don’t even know where to hold.

 

See? Still a stuck up loser. I told my self a month ago after that vacation that I need to move forward. Because that is what I need. But still nothing. Damn. Im not even going comfortable going outside, I don’t want people to look at me or even talk to me. Im so anxious when I think about sending that damn resume. Im so stupid. Why cant I be normal?

 

All I am doing is excuses. Excuses to stop me from going outside. Thats the only way right now to calm the storm in me. Now I have a new one, o better start it on new year. This time I hope someone, something can push me. Push me so hard ill fall harder. Or even punch me to put some sense on me. I am ashamed. Really. I hate my self more and more. Im all talk but im the worst.

 

Please push me enough so I wont be able to look back. Can somebody please?

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Out Of Space

have you ever asked yourself if you really belong to this world? this planet? the era your in? i was always wondering maybe im born into the wrong era. What if this is not the life meant for me? what am i doing here anyway? Whats the reason why im here? What was in store for me? 

those questions are never going away at the back of my mind. They are persistent to stay there. Questions that will remain unanswered. Unspoken. A mystery.

i always knew that i am caught in the web of struggles looking for a reason to love life. a few years back, my teenage self all wanted was to find a job to support myself, provide for my needs or even give back to those who was there. im alone. No one to depend to. So i need to work my ass off if i wanted to buy something i want, eat what i crave and go somewhere i want to.  So i did. But the world doesnt supposed to work that way, its not going to stop just to give you time to adjust. You are growing older and its no longer the same. You wll realize that you need to grow. You need to survive and that means aiming for something higher. That poor teenage girl, ignorant to the cruel world tried to spread its wings and only ended  being swept by the wind. its too harsh. You will learn things in a hard way. The world will not stop for you. 

so i watch as confidence inflates, my eyes now knew that cruelty is always present in this world im in. and i dont have the power to stop it. i need to shield myself.  and the ugliness of the society makes it worst. 

who would have thought that a single paper will define your future? that it will matter most especially in the eyes of the society? that hard work is nothing without that shitty piece of paper. if you know what im talking about, thats the fucking college diploma. it sucks that people will based it on that shit how they will treat you. how their eyes will look at you and even if they need to smile at you or just treat you like nothing. Well, this hopeless girl now has one goal in mind. i need to get that shitty piece of paper and i will make them swallow their words. 

others may say that you need to forget and only focus on the positive things, well news flash, because of that dark feeling i have i was able to push myself even get on the job i never thought i could stand just to finish what ive started. Now i was waiting for that freaking moment were i can put on that fuckin black gown and get on that goddamn stage. that is the eonly time i can give myself a massive pat on the ,shoulder and say, " i made it." Yes i know im too hard on myself but thats what makes this stupid mind going.

After almost five years that goal is almost completed, now im back to the same scene. that girl who doesnt know where to go, doenst know what to do next. back to the phase that im struggling what to push me forward. and the anxiety that comes with the job i had. knowing myself im a very irritating person, no patience at all so i was actually amazed that i have been a customer service rep for almost 5 years given the personality i have. well i know im toxic. we all are. i quit. because i know that i need to find a way to save myself from my mind, my sanity is at stake, its been so suffocating and its been almost 10 months now. but whats funny is, im still a loser. Pathetic. Dumb. i realize how stupid i am. how dull my life was. well i already knew that but its sucks big time. im useless. im selfish which i also know. not proud of it though. it sucks that my mind doesnt work like how others work. it sucks bigtime.  

i wonder if there was something or someone who can push me. or even slap me. maybe that will work. Maybe i can think of something, enough to move forward?   thats why i keep on asking maybe im not for this world. Maybe i was never meant to be here. People usually are full of ambitions, or goals or dreams but here i am wishing to sleep and forget everything. i want to reset everything. or sleep for i dont know how long and just wake up to a different world.  When will i fall inlove with life?