Push me

 Time check. Another evening, another day. down to the last 2 months of the calendar. But im still shitty as I am. No fucking achievements, no improvements just nothing. Still finding the right answer to why I am like this. To why am I feeling this way. Why my mind runs in different way, not so similar to others. Why is everything pointless. Can I get away?

 

A month ago, I ventured on one of my greatest escape, and im glad it happened. We attended the concert ive been waiting for the past 2 years. And im glad that my sister have given me the opportunity, but at the same time I realized again how pathetic and trashy I am. Compared to her. I always told my self that I am not someone who will impose on others but funny thing, I am exactly a trash right now. Nothing. How did it end up like this?

 

Maybe because the only thing I planned after I quit was how to get out of that hell, I didn’t think of the other hell waiting for me. Im so confident that Ill get the peace I badly want but as shitty as my life , why did I expect? Its not changing it just showered me more anxiety that im still exhausted as ever. Im stuck. Like how my novel is still stuck at chapter 5. like before. I lost the drive. Im trying to catch up but I don’t even know where to hold.

 

See? Still a stuck up loser. I told my self a month ago after that vacation that I need to move forward. Because that is what I need. But still nothing. Damn. Im not even going comfortable going outside, I don’t want people to look at me or even talk to me. Im so anxious when I think about sending that damn resume. Im so stupid. Why cant I be normal?

 

All I am doing is excuses. Excuses to stop me from going outside. Thats the only way right now to calm the storm in me. Now I have a new one, o better start it on new year. This time I hope someone, something can push me. Push me so hard ill fall harder. Or even punch me to put some sense on me. I am ashamed. Really. I hate my self more and more. Im all talk but im the worst.

 

Please push me enough so I wont be able to look back. Can somebody please?

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Out Of Space

have you ever asked yourself if you really belong to this world? this planet? the era your in? i was always wondering maybe im born into the wrong era. What if this is not the life meant for me? what am i doing here anyway? Whats the reason why im here? What was in store for me? 

those questions are never going away at the back of my mind. They are persistent to stay there. Questions that will remain unanswered. Unspoken. A mystery.

i always knew that i am caught in the web of struggles looking for a reason to love life. a few years back, my teenage self all wanted was to find a job to support myself, provide for my needs or even give back to those who was there. im alone. No one to depend to. So i need to work my ass off if i wanted to buy something i want, eat what i crave and go somewhere i want to.  So i did. But the world doesnt supposed to work that way, its not going to stop just to give you time to adjust. You are growing older and its no longer the same. You wll realize that you need to grow. You need to survive and that means aiming for something higher. That poor teenage girl, ignorant to the cruel world tried to spread its wings and only ended  being swept by the wind. its too harsh. You will learn things in a hard way. The world will not stop for you. 

so i watch as confidence inflates, my eyes now knew that cruelty is always present in this world im in. and i dont have the power to stop it. i need to shield myself.  and the ugliness of the society makes it worst. 

who would have thought that a single paper will define your future? that it will matter most especially in the eyes of the society? that hard work is nothing without that shitty piece of paper. if you know what im talking about, thats the fucking college diploma. it sucks that people will based it on that shit how they will treat you. how their eyes will look at you and even if they need to smile at you or just treat you like nothing. Well, this hopeless girl now has one goal in mind. i need to get that shitty piece of paper and i will make them swallow their words. 

others may say that you need to forget and only focus on the positive things, well news flash, because of that dark feeling i have i was able to push myself even get on the job i never thought i could stand just to finish what ive started. Now i was waiting for that freaking moment were i can put on that fuckin black gown and get on that goddamn stage. that is the eonly time i can give myself a massive pat on the ,shoulder and say, " i made it." Yes i know im too hard on myself but thats what makes this stupid mind going.

After almost five years that goal is almost completed, now im back to the same scene. that girl who doesnt know where to go, doenst know what to do next. back to the phase that im struggling what to push me forward. and the anxiety that comes with the job i had. knowing myself im a very irritating person, no patience at all so i was actually amazed that i have been a customer service rep for almost 5 years given the personality i have. well i know im toxic. we all are. i quit. because i know that i need to find a way to save myself from my mind, my sanity is at stake, its been so suffocating and its been almost 10 months now. but whats funny is, im still a loser. Pathetic. Dumb. i realize how stupid i am. how dull my life was. well i already knew that but its sucks big time. im useless. im selfish which i also know. not proud of it though. it sucks that my mind doesnt work like how others work. it sucks bigtime.  

i wonder if there was something or someone who can push me. or even slap me. maybe that will work. Maybe i can think of something, enough to move forward?   thats why i keep on asking maybe im not for this world. Maybe i was never meant to be here. People usually are full of ambitions, or goals or dreams but here i am wishing to sleep and forget everything. i want to reset everything. or sleep for i dont know how long and just wake up to a different world.  When will i fall inlove with life?

10 Years

 October 3. thats your day. And its been 10 years since I last saw you, since I was able to give you a birthday card and 10 years of uncelebrated birthdays. A decade. A decade of what ifs, too many scenarios and too many questions. Im trying to imagine the supposed situaton if you were here but I cant really get a clear resolution. Maye because I  was so used to it. That I have accepted everything. That I have no chance to hope because it doesnt matter anymore, that no matter how beautiful the scene im going to create in my hsnd it wont change the fact that it was all just an illusion and it was better to leave it as it is. No imaginary scenes means no hopes raised. No more additional pain. Yes, I think thats better that way.

 

 

But what if youre still here, right now, right this moment where I am in the middle of nothing. Nothings working, its never going to be fine no matter how many times I told myself that overrated qoute. No decisions ever made, just a lot of regrets. Would you be able to understand? Will you hear my silence? Will you know that im crying silently until my throat hurts? Will you noticed how I hated myself? Will you? Maybe. Maybe not.

 

They say that people are not fortune tellers, you gotta tell them how you feel so that they can analyze, maybe they are right . but what will happen after? You cant tell if they are even interested to listen in the first place. Youll end up hoping that after you poured your heart to them they will understand but they will just nod , give you some unhelpful advice that they think will solve eveything not knowing that its just another toll on the poor soul, words that they think is nice ti hear but it was just another sugar coated phrase saying, “ youre too emotional”, “ its nothing”, “ forget about it” or sometimes it may be insensitive enough to cost you another night of overthinking.

 

Well, I wont know, the fact that I havent been able to see you as a mother to her teenage and now adult children will always be a question to me if you were the mother I wish or maybe just the same with other mothers. But remember this, I never hated you. I adored you and there was a time in my younger years that I wish youll see me as the woman you want me to be. Maybe in another life.

 

Still thank you , for those years that you were there, for letting me call you Mommy and for the little moments that I can still remember until today. I just hope that my poor memory will be able to keep it until then. Wherever you are, as they say that when people passed they can still see us, if that was true then I just want you to know that I was once happy meeting you, being with you and having moments with you.

 

If you can see me, please give me a little time, ill try my best to make you proud. Until then Mommy.

 

 

Your daughter,

Swadee

10/3/22.

 

 

Wanted: motivation

 They say motivation is the key to success. Maybe thats right but not for all of us. If someone is motivated it seems they can reach everything, they can do whatever they want and seems theyre getting closer to their dreams. It makes them happy at the end of the day.

 

 

But what if you cant find any motivation? What if everything seems so dull, gray and no reason to continue at all? Where can you get that ecstatic feeling to move forward? How will you stay and survive? Is it still okay to continue when there is no specific direction at all? Is it on someone? Somewhere?

 

This is always a question to me. And I know this is what I need.

I cant find any reason to continue anymore.

 

Its been 8 months since I quit my job. Well as you know, im not happy with everything in it. The people, the place, the job itself and everything. I don’t know what I want anymore but all I know is that I need to stop it to save myself since that familiar feeling is back again. DROWNING. I was never happy. It did give me the opportunities I need and I am thankful but its not for me. Its a whole new experience and it gives me the chance to graduate college. I will always be thankful.

 

Others loved their time, they even enjoy talking about it, they love the experience, the new friendship and even relationship but for me everything I have experienced is temporary. Because thats life.

I remember waiting for my restdays in those 4 and a half years. Just dozing off and away from everything.

As someone who gets tired of everything easily , 4 and a half is long enough and yes im always wondering, “ Did I really made It that far?”

Nothing is forever and that is a fact. Nobody can changed that for me.

What keeps me going during those years would be me wearing that back gown and earning that degree just to slap those who insulted and looked down on me. It helped in a way that I needed. And now that I already made it, there is no other goal ahead of me.

Im waking up, living and breathing because that is what is expected.

 

Funny, I can be called a NEET now. Nothing to do, just hiding and even trashy as ever acting like a parasite clinging to my hardworking sister. That is bullshit right? The fact that I don’t want to be called that way now here I am acting exactly what I have been avoiding.

 

For the past months ive been trying to find a reason, something that will push me to move forward again. To get through it. To be able to stand and have something to be proud of. But the more I try, all I want is to sleep forever, I don’t want to think about anything anymore. Maybe that is not a good thing and yes I know it. But my helpless self don’t care anymore.

I don’t want people seeing me, I don’t even want to go out and I don’t want to talk to anyone.

Heck I don’t even have the confidence to face others.

I don’t know where this is going , all my soul and body wants is a rest that could fix even half of my cracks. You might find it funny , and you might be laughing how someone like me whos not doing anything is getting tired. I don’t even know. But I want to sleep so bad, not an 8 hour sleep but longer than what almost everyone Is thinking about sleep.

 

And I want to wake up as someone that is not me.

 

 

 

                                                   -7/28/22.

EMPTY YET HEAVY

Have you ever wonder why emptiness felt so heavy? Funny right? But its a fact and we all know it. Who would have known that something hollow was this heavy in this goddamn world. Staring at empty ceilings, dark corners, closed doors and even my favorite, the night sky. Losing interest in everything including all the things you like, something that gives you a little bit of the so called happiness. And I thought, “Why?”. why am I like this? How long will I be like this? Have you asked yourself about this too? Why does no one understands me? Or even tried to? Nobody care to ask why am I quiet. No one noticed how faked my smile was. Why wont they choose me even just for once? Why am I only second or last in everything? This bullshit situation I am in right now. I always felt useless, in everything. ALL. THE. TIME. And even though its not new to me, it still bothers me. Im used to it. But I felt like shit. Every freaking time. Im starting to wonder if I was only born to be a mess my whole life. Isnt it unfair? And im thankful that I am on the level of numbness that helps me survive all the bullshit raining down on me no matter how empty I felt, my numbness helps me a lot. But it was still there. And its not easy trying to act like it didn’t bother the hell out of me.

 

Most people chose her. All the time. In every different situation. Shes the favorite. And I think ypu know already who I was talking about. Right? No need to drop the name. Im already mean enough I don’t want to add another ingredient to my devil persona. The always jealous and full of wrath girl, not saying anything but putting everything in her blog and twitter account. How nasty was that.

Back to the topic, did I mention also that almost everyone likes her? From adults, children, boys, girls or maybe even pets despite the fact the fact that we are identical. In almost everything. We also don’t like crowds and people but there is always something that puts her on top. She was chosen. They still like her. They still want to spend time with her. And I was left alone again , with darkness looming in my heart and a question of what in my mind. Just to be clear, I don’t want any of that attention but Im only wondering why, why am I the not the first option even for once? Am I not that worthy? Are we not the same? Its good to be different because you know what im sick of that twin interpretation since I don’t know when. It was nauseating to be honest. But how are we so different despite the fact that we are almost the same? Thats all I wanna ask. I don’t care about the attention , my heart just ache whenever I was left in the corner like something thats not worthy.

 

I hate myself because I sound like a desperate attention seeker. Because to be honest with you, if I were to choose between her and me I would also run to her and leave my stupid ass me. See? Eben my own self and mind wants to choose her. It only proves how unworthy, useless and trashy I am. That even I myself would discard this self.

 

I am insecure. Yes I am. And I cant help It that she is one of the main reason.

She have the confidence that I don’t possess.

She has thee aura that I lack.

I am irresponsible while she can handle the task well.

She is born to be a leader and I will always remain as a follower.

She has the style while im only a copycat.

She has the originality that I want so bad.

She can be calm and I have the worst temper.

And there will always be a hundred reason why she is better than me.

Im so pathetic.

Desperate even.

 

I love to be alone. Its my escape since words don’t work well with me.

I can think of something. Or enter the world that I only know of. Inside my rotten mind.

And thats okay.

But sometimes, it also kills my soul. It hurts.

How long will this unnecessary life continue? Will it ever end?

When will the life that I dreamed of begin?

I want a restart button so bad. Not a pause or a rewind. I want to reset everything. Start a new life, erase the data or start a new game. Hoping that this time I will win, I will have a happy life and my soul will be at peace. No over thinking. No heartaches that could shatter.

 

I don’t like the mind I have right now, its greedy, its painful and its giving me heartaches.

But I think my mind is not the only one to blame. Its not going to be like this if the world im in is not this harsh. Not this unfair.

 

I hate my mind because it can become too selfish, too naive , too ambitious, and too desperate all the time. It becomes too powerful at the moment that it puts off the fire in me, it kills all the hope left and its scary sometimes. I want to end it. I don’t want to continue if im going to be this useless. Im trying to find a way out but it seems im in the middle of a maze. It seems that im just running in circles and I don’t even know if there is something inside me left. Something that makes me alive because all I felt is emptiness and I wonder if im only waking up every morning because that is what this cruel world expects me to do. I felt like an empty bottle. Nothing inside.

 

 

What the fuck am I doing?

 

 

--- Swadee

6/21/22.